Just Because

My Son

2012-01-23T07:16:00.000-08:00

I have tried so hard to not "label" my children. But I am afraid it is inevitable. When asked about my children I often describe Stephen as the athletic one and Allie as the musical one. This doesn't mean that Stephen has no musical ability or Allie has no athletic ability. Allie has always been the one totally devoted to school and good grades and Stephen has always been totally devoted to being the best in baseball. But I hope that I have conveyed to them that these are descriptions and not judgements on who they are. Because as we all know, as we grow, those descriptions change.

That has happened in Stephen's life in the last year and it has been miraculous to watch. As a young boy, Stephen had a passion for throwing and catching balls and writing stories. He was creative not only with stories but with making up games with balls. One of our favorites was "This and That". Don't ask me to describe it, I still don't understand the rules. "That's okay, Mommy, I will wait for Daddy," was often said at our house after a few rounds of This and That. Stephen also wrote incredible stories and was quite prolific. I was thrilled that his Kindergarten, First and Second Grade teachers encouraged this creativity and didn't try to harness it into a formula. Unfortunately by third grade we had moved to a state that had the "WRITING" test in 4th grade. I am not sure I can describe the sorrow and pain I felt as I watched the creativity being squashed in my talented little boy. I was devastated. I was an educator for god's sake. I knew better...but I had to sit by and watch. I tried to continue encouraging his writing, but his confidence was taken away and a greater passion was taking over, baseball. For the next several years I watched as my son's joy and confidence in academics ebbed away. Finally in 9th grade he had a teacher who sealed the tomb on Stephen's academic interest. At the same time, Stephen's passion and talents in baseball flourished.

The baseball field was the one place I could see him hold himself with confidence and surety. It was beautiful to watch, because we all want to see our children happy and confident. He went off to college to play baseball and once again I had to witness the killing of my son's dreams. He had a coach who basically took Stephen's dreams away by tearing down his confidence and self-esteem. But, my son was stronger than that. He knew he was more than that. He stood up and spoke up for himself and declared that after the summer, baseball would be over.

Honestly we all feared what would come next. Stephen didn't see himself as we saw him, a smart kid. Now he didn't have baseball. What would happen? What came next is still miraculous to us. My son woke up and found himself. He found that boy of 5,6 and 7 who loved to read and write. He found his love of thinking and asking questions. My son has become the academic that Jack and I always knew was inside him.

Getting a phone call telling us about a fantastic professor he has is exhilarating. Looking at his Christmas list and finding several books and none of them about sports, it is amazing. Seeing the sparkle in his eyes once again is more precious than gold.

There are many more adjectives that pertain to Stephen. He is much more than those adjectives. He is an amazing young man who is beginning his journey as a man. I am honored to be his mother and have a front row seat to the miraculous life he is living. I only pray that he knows I see him as more than what he does, I see him. My boy. I see his heart which is gold. All the rest is just gravy.

"Mom Voice" vs. "Me Voice"

2012-01-19T07:03:00.000-08:00

[I wrote this last week, but am just getting around to publishing it.]

My son is leaving today. He has been home for the holidays since the 23rd of December. I am ready for him to go back. But I am choking up and feel teary. This is motherhood, isn't it?

We constantly live with 2 voices waging war inside our heads. The one voice is looking out for us and our wants and needs. The other voice is looking out for what is best for our child, what they want, what they need. Right after I had Stephen, I remember saying, "I never thought I was a selfish person until I had a baby." And I think it is true. I wasn't a particularly selfish person, but I just had the one voice in my head. Life was so much simpler.

For the past 19 years, the "Mom voice" was the loudest and demanded the most attention. Not that the "Me Voice" didn't shout and scream, but she just so often lost the fight. As my children entered adolescents, "Mom voice" started taking some breaks. Don't get me wrong, it still had a lot to say, but there were more periods when things were going smoothly. In that period "Me Voice" started making noises. "Hey, why don't you go to the movies tonight? Kids are gone for the night!" And little by little she became stronger and stronger.

Then the kids leave for college. The "Mom voice" becomes frantic at the idea that she will no longer be needed and starts making the "Me voice" feel guilty for the thoughts and plans she had started making in the last year. Sometimes "Mom voice" wins still and we stay over-involved in our grown kids' lives. Hopefully, the "Mom voice" realizes that she is still needed, but it is her time to rest and give "me voice" more air-time.

Technology

2012-01-10T06:38:00.000-08:00

Facebook has allowed me to reconnect with people that I doubt I would have ever reconnected with. It gives me a way to reconnect with boundaries. I share only what I want and they share only what they want. We aren't sitting awkwardly with each other trying to evade questions we would really rather not answer. We get to see photos of their lives and feel like we have not missed anything. We get to wish all these people happy birthday without spending a penny or getting out of our house. I have now connected with people from just about every aspect of my past life. That is exciting.

For the past several months, the buzz seems to be about Pinterest. Well, at least among my women friends. There is some debate over whether one should sign up for this and whether it will be helpful or just another time suck. I have found Pinterest to be a vital tool for me. You see, my memory seems to be ebbing away. Either that or I just have SO much IMPORTANT information stored that where that recipe for chicken is just doesn't make the list. Whatever, Pinterest is my new storage unit. It is my file cabinet, my bulletin board, my online memory! If I see something online, a new project, a recipe, an outfit, or a book, I simply pin it to my board in Pinterest and then go on my happy way. When I need to retrieve said item, I simply log into Pinterest and search for the photo, I am a VERY visual learner, and bam, I am sent to the link! It has really made the internet easier for me to manage.

For Christmas, I gave my parents a webcam. On Christmas day, my brothers set up the camera and we got to "see" all my family. It felt as if we were there in my parents' home with them. I didn't get to feel my mom's arms around me, but it was the next best thing. Now I want to be able to connect with my little nieces more. I think I have convinced my brother and his wife to get a webcam for themselves. I am so excited! I have already begun to plan activities and books I want to read to them! They are homeschooled, so I am hoping to be able to help in some of their lessons! It feels like the best of both worlds. I get to see my family and talk face to face without having to leave my home in North Carolina and all my friends here. Recently I had a "coffee date" with a friend who lives in Iowa. It was so cool to get to see her and talk.

Technology has many pros and cons. I know that all of the above can be abused and used for evil. But like everything in life, there is a light side and a dark side. I continue in my quest to look at the light side and find it wherever I go. What gifts have technology given to you?

Toying with Ideas

2012-01-01T12:51:00.000-08:00

Well, it is the new year. Along with the new year comes the resolutions. Every year I make some resolutions, I will lose weight, exercise more, be nicer, remember to send birthday cards on time, etc. Some years I vow NOT to make a resolution. Yet, secretly in my head I make them. I seem to enjoy setting myself up for failure.

Currently I am toying with the idea that this year I am going to work on building up my strength. When you are chronically ill, it seems you become MUCH more sedentary. Now, I know, all the docs, nurses and PT's tell you it is important to move. I KNOW it is. But when I feel like shit, I am sorry, I don't really want to move! When said movement is going to make me hurt worse for the rest of today and possibly tomorrow, it is really hard to get motivated! Sometimes watching Biggest Loser, I wonder if I was on the show, if I really could push myself like those people do. I mean, I am not more than 15 pounds heavier than I should be, so surely I can do what they do. I wonder what Bob would say?

I say toying, because I don't want to say anything to my family about it. I am scared I will just fail one more time and well, I really don't want any witnesses to that! I really do yearn to be stronger. I have noticed a significant weakening in the last year and that scares me. So, we will see.

Another idea that I am toying with is the idea of writing. I would like to set up the habit of writing every day. I would like to promise you, my faithful readers (jack), that I will blog every day in 2012. But, I know that won't happen. There will be days when nothing will flow from my brain. My novel is still brewing in my head. The main character keeps coming up and speaking to me and telling me stories that I should write down. I need to make space for her. So, we will see.

Maybe I should make a schedule for myself:
7:00 a.m. wake up and eat breakfast
8:00 a.m. exercise alternate walking and weights
8:30 a.m. sit down to blog
9:00 a.m. write
10:00 a.m. clean house
10:30 a.m. Work
12:00 p.m. lunch break
1:00 p.m. work/run errands
5:00 p.m. start dinner
6:00 p.m. eat dinner

Wow, sounds great, except for the hour to shower and the hour to nap or lay down to recover from the exercise.....

Well, we will see...

Miracles

2011-12-27T16:57:00.000-08:00

Growing up, my mom always told the stories of our births as miracles. She conceived Kip, my older brother, with her uterus turned inside out. It was a miracle that he was born. When I was born, it was a miracle that we both lived. She was told she would never have anymore children after me, so when she conceived Kade, my younger brother, seven years later, well, it was a miracle! So growing up we were told that we were miracles that God had given to her to raise and love. Little did we know that we too, would get a miracle from God. These memories were brought forth today in the form of a brown package.

My doorbell rang this morning and there was some confusion getting to the door only to find that no one was there. As I walked away, I noticed the UPS truck driving off, so I went back to the door and found a package on my porch. I knew this was from my mom and contained 2 small gifts for the kids, something my mom wanted to give Allie and my birthday gift. I was a bit befuddled by the latter, as we don't do birthday gifts for adults anymore.

I opened the box and checked that everything was there. Next, with Jack looking over my shoulder I opened my birthday present. Inside were my mother's wedding ring and the dinner ring she had made out of my Grandmother Riley's first wedding ring. (I say first because Clovis was married 4 times in all.) I was stunned. This was the last thing I expected to find in this little box. I couldn't understand why.

I called my mom, she asked that I call the minute I got the box, now I realize why! I began to cry. So many thoughts. Why was she giving me these now? What did this mean? Was she foreseeing her death? What was going on? But the reason was quite simple. Her hands have become so arthritic that she can no longer wear the rings. So she wanted to be able to give them to me now and see me enjoy them.

But, there is something eery about wearing these rings. My hands suddenly look more like my mom's than mine. They bring memories of holding her hands and twirling her rings. Taking them off and trying them on. They bring memories of hospitals where I sat twisting these rings around my fingers waiting impatiently for her to emerge from surgery.

My mom and I are best friends. We talked on the phone at LEAST once a week. Then about 6 years ago, mom stopped making sense on the phone. She sounded drunk. She talked of falling. She talked of bruises. She talked of not knowing where she was. I went to her and brought her home with me. That began the hardest period of my life. Over that 6 months, I slowly grieved the loss of my best friend. There were no more long talks about her life, my kids, decorating, life. She was a shell of a woman. Then a miracle happened. She woke up. As if from a dream, or nightmare. She went back to Texas, and slowly, gradually has become whole.

Yet, just recently have she and I begun to talk once a week again. It has taken me almost 5 years to trust that my mom is really here.

And now she has entrusted me with her wedding ring and the diamonds my Pop gave my grandmother. I will take in all the memories, joyous and painful, and will wear these rings with great pride.

These rings will remind me of the miracle that is my mom.

Fear of Writing/Water/Gays - somehow it all ties together

2011-10-17T16:43:00.000-07:00

I have had several people say to me recently that they think I am a good writer. Hm...I want to be a writer. Well, I am a writer. But I still don't know if I "feel" like a writer. It seems a writer would always have something to write about. It seems a writer wouldn't let the "inside the head editor" erase the entire blog entry they just wrote. It seems a writer would want to always be writing. I know, I know, this is not at all true. It is work. I have read many biographies and books about writing. I know you have to make it a habit. I haven't done that. I need to do that.

I constantly have thoughts in my head that I think I should write about. But sometimes when I sit down to write, I freeze. The editor in my head says "are you sure you want people to read THAT?" "do you really think people will care about that story?". And so I delete, and go back to reading.

What do you have in your life that you "really want to do"? What paths have you not chosen because you are scared, lazy, or just plain tired? What is the voice in your head telling you? How do you turn it off?

I was reminded this weekend about the idea of living life out of a place of peace instead of fear. This is a constant cognizant choice I have to make. For the first 30 to 35 years of my life I lived in fear. Fear of what God would do to me. Fear of the trouble I would get into with teachers/parents/friends. Fear that I would fail. Fear that I would get hurt. Fear that people would laugh at me. Fear that people would not like me. So many fears. But I consciously made a choice to raise my children differently. Now, they hold that truth up to me to encourage me to live my own life out of peace, like they are. They are my example of how to put fear out of the equation and plunge forward.

We all have our fears. Whether it be an innocent fear of the water or homophobia, we all have fears. What is important, is what will we do with the fear. Will we allow our fear of water to let us come to the end of our lives having never felt the ocean wash over our feet? Will we allow our homophobia to continue to make legislation and religious doctrine that take the rights of our neighbors? Our friends? Our families?

We are at that moment in history where we need to stop. We need to stop and ask ourselves what is behind our fear. Do we really think that letting gays marry will in some way ruin our marriage? Do we really think that these people CHOOSE this life? Do we really, truly believe, that Jesus finds them an abomination? Jesus, the man who ate with the vilest most hated people of society? Jesus, the man who taught that the lowest shall be the highest? Jesus, the man who taught us to love our neighbor as ourselves? This Jesus would applaud us teaching and preaching hate against GLBT people? Really? So, stop. Really, stop. Ask yourself why you are scared. See if there is really any basis in it. If you are using the Bible, stop. Really look into that Bible you take so literally, there are many things in there that I bet you aren't doing...like owning slaves, having many wives and concubines, killing your child if they are born with something not quite right, etc. So, stop.

As you ask yourself, "Why am I afraid of water?" or "Why am I homophobic?" I will be over here asking myself, "What am I afraid of if I write a novel?"

It is never too late to rid our lives of fear.

You are loved!

2011-08-30T08:38:00.000-07:00

In the past few days I have been confronted with other people's pain; one a stranger, another a friend. Both are women who have lost their way. Both are suffering financially. Both feel utterly alone in this world even though they have friends and children who love them dearly. The pain is palpable. It vibrates off both women with virtual SOS signs popping all around them. The sadness and despair is so deep I felt drawn to the edge with them. One I listened to while standing in a thrift store, and then talked to on the phone the next day. The other was beyond my help.

Now I sit with this pain and know not what to do with it. It presses on my heart and causes tears to spontaneously fall. The unanswerable questions flow through my mind. They do no good. I can't "fix" either of them. All I can do is be present and listen. I can be open so that others, strangers in thrift stores, feel the safe harbor. I can be at the other end of the phone. I can remind my friends and loved ones that they are loved.

So please know, that if you are reading this, you must have a special place in my heart. Know that there is someone in this world who cares. Know that you are loved.

Becoming a Teacher Part Three

2011-08-21T08:15:00.000-07:00

The notebooks stacked, the erasers piled in bins, the array of pens all signal one thing, the BEGINNING OF SCHOOL! My fifth year finds me in yet another small country town, McGregor. We had moved to Waco, TX, for my husband to pursue a Ph.D. at Baylor. I couldn't find work in Waco, so had to start looking outside in the smaller ISDs. Driving 30 minutes each way, was not my idea of a good school year, but the principal, Mrs. Holbrook, caught my attention. I had yet to meet a principal who embraced Whole Language and my philosophy of teaching. I was excited to see what could happen when the administration backed you!

This was another first for me, I was teaching a self-contained, gifted and talented third grade class. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. These kids were smart! I mean, SMART! No one was below grade level in any area. But with this, came a new challenge, how do I challenge these kids and motivate them to do even better? I enjoyed the challenge and fell in love with these students. With the exception of a couple, most of these kids had no idea how smart they were, they were just kids. With the exception of a couple, most of the parents recognized that their kids were not geniuses, just above the curve. The exceptions almost killed me at times, but I learned a new skill, dealing with obnoxious parents. Unfortunately, Mrs. Holbrook, had failed to mention that her staff was not too keen on her views on Whole Language. She had filled all 10 of the empty positions with "outsiders" who held her same philosophy. We were therefore, lumped in with her and disliked by most. Not all, there were some "insiders" who liked us and adhered to the same philosophy. By Christmas, the staff had won, and Mrs. Holbrook resigned. I was stunned and a bit afraid for my future. The next semester ended up having an all-time high, and all-time low. Having succeeded in ousting the principal, the staff decided to focus in on getting the "outsiders" out as well. They made our lives miserable. The only time I was happy that second semester was when I was in my classroom with my kids. The most unfortunate thing was that the students became aware of the bullying. I tried my best to hide my hurt from them even as I was being yelled at in front of them. But kids who are in your classroom know you. They could read my feelings better than me! Plus, they felt protective of me for another reason. I was pregnant! Jack and I had been trying for two and a half years, and that Valentine's Day I found out! So, as I said that was the best and worst semester of my career.

As it turned out, all but one of the newly hired teachers resigned that year. None of us had other positions, but we could not return to that nightmare. It was unfortunate. I learned a lot that year. I also made a lasting friend in Mary Witte. I taught her son, Cameron. She was the second grade Gifted and Talented teacher and she taught me a lot about thinking and researching and stretching students' minds. In fact, years later, she came to see me in DC and I got to spend some time remembering the good parts of that year.

One of the things I learned that year was how much a child's early years affect their growth. These kids I had in McGregor had been loved, read to and cared for. Their minds were open books ready to learn whatever I put in front of them. What a difference from my previous experiences.

Becoming a Teacher, Part Two

2011-06-04T11:37:00.000-07:00

The next two years of teaching brought about a change in scenery. We moved to the country outside of a small farming town, Krum, TX. My role here was not only elementary teacher, but pastor's wife as well. This was our first "live-in" position. I had no idea what was in store for me as I stepped into that classroom the first day.

Whereas in Ft. Worth, it was important to be a strong disciplinarian, in Krum, these kids felt like they had gotten a Marine Sergeant. I was used to pre-empting fights by having strict straight lines when walking the halls. I was used to "nipping" things in the bud! It finally took a little chat with my principal to realize that these kids were not hiding weapons, or just waiting to "jump" each other. In fact, most of these kids were related somehow or knew each other since birth. I could relax and not be quite so"wound tight" I believe were his words. So, I ventured forth into a new realm of teaching.

Without energy being expended on discipline, I found more time to focus on creativity. Although I found this fun and rewarding, there was something missing. I was bored. So the next year when a challenge presented itself, I grabbed it! I would be teaching a blind student who had an assistant who would be in my class part time and I would have to have all lessons and papers ready two weeks in advance to be Brailled. Moreover, whenever this child had a seizure, everything she had learned would be erased and we would have to start over. Lastly, she was spoiled. She was the baby in her family by 15 years and the world pretty much revolved around her.

This second year also offered another challenge. I would have a child in my classroom with whom I was friends with her mother. I had never had this happen, and was worried about it. But the child had cystic fibrosis and missed a lot of school. Since I lived out there near her, I could tutor her after school. It took me longer than Amber to acclimate. She did slip a few times and called me "KaKi" but no one seemed to care since many of them had had teachers they knew or were related to!

Both of these challenges would not even come close to the challenge that came that second year for me. I adjusted to Nicolette, I became much more organized which would be beneficial in the future. I enjoyed having the assistant and learned how to co-teach which would also prove to be a plus for my future. Having Amber turned out to be a true joy! She was my biggest cheerleader! Her hugs meant a lot to me that year.

But the biggest challenge came on New Year's Day. Shane Howard, a shy, sweet boy from my class, died. He had fallen into an icy pond before Christmas, and before I could get to the hospital, he had died. There is no class in college to prepare you for this. How do you deal with your own grief? How do you tell 18 nine year olds that their classmate has died? How do you deal with the media? How do you deal with nine-year olds' grief? How do you do all of this alone because your district is too small to have counselors? I don't know. Basically you take one minute at a time. One day at a time. You make mistakes, and you apologize and you keep taking steps.

Telling my class went much smoother than I would have ever imagined. They took it in stride. No tears, no anything! But, what I didn't know is that grief for kids comes out physically. So, I sent my kids out to recess and that is when the grief showed itself. Other students started saying that they were glad that Shane had died because he teased them. Suddenly these calm, kind kids turned violent! They started chasing and hitting. When I brought them back inside the tears and emotions began to pour out. It was overwhelming. Into my lap they poured their sorrow and grief. I gathered them all into my arms and hugged and wiped tears and before we knew it, it was lunch. We got our lunches and came back into the classroom, they couldn't stand the thought of being apart. We ate and talked. After lunch, we read a book about dying and talked some more. They decided that they couldn't stand the thought of moving his desk, so they memorialized it. They also decided to take up money to buy books for their library in his memory. It was an amazing thing to be part of. Kids have such resilient hearts. Kids have such love. I learned a lot from those kids about grief, friendship and love.

I learned many lessons from those country kids. I learned that all kids want to be loved, respected and listened to, no matter their circumstances. I learned that all kids crave boundaries and the chance to show they are responsible. I learned that all kids love to be read to by their teacher, even if they have a mom at home who reads to them. I learned to relax and trust my kids and myself. But the greatest gift came from Shane. I learned to appreciate life. I learned to live in the present. I learned to hug my kids often and tell them I loved them and how proud of them I was, no matter how they might seem to not like it!

Thank you, Krum. Thank you kids for loving me and taking this strange, outsider in and loving me. Thank you for all the lessons that have helped me become who I am today.

I came to realize from that two year period, that my true passion lay in teaching inner-city students. I realized I must use my gifts where they were most needed. I would only be truly happy when teaching in the inner-city. For that, I am eternally grateful.

Let's see we have lived here in Krum two years, so it must be time for a move! Stay tuned to part 3 to see where we go next.

Becoming a Teacher, Part One

2011-06-01T11:07:00.000-07:00

I grew up thinking I would be a teacher. I loved kids, I seemed to be good with them, and that is what my mom did. Then as I got older, I wanted to do MORE. I wanted to make more money and have more prestige. While in college, I didn't enjoy my first year of classes. I was discouraged because I wasn't doing well in the classes that prepared me for these other careers. Then, my second year, I was asked a simple question. "What brings you joy?" Immediately I said, "working with children". I went and changed my major and never looked back!

I did my student teaching in an upper-middle class neighborhood school. It was unique because it was an open-concept school. I guess that is when my interest in finding "other" ways to educate was sparked.

Then we moved to Ft Worth and I applied all over the city. I don't think then I even knew what "inner-city" meant. I was hired, and started at a school that was on the edge of an established neighborhood and the projects. I walked into that first classroom and had no idea what I was doing. Luckily Cheryl Wisch was right next door. She shaped me more than any professor I ever had. I learned more from her that first year than all the years after! The very first day I had completed the whole day's lesson plan by 10:00 a.m.! Yes, I had a lot to learn!

I was a naive white girl from an upper-middle class home walking into a classroom where the 7 year olds were smarter than me, street-wise. I was overwhelmed and distraught. But, somewhere within me, I found a way to connect to those kids. They responded to me in a miraculous way. I mean, we had NOTHING in common. Absolutely nothing. I couldn't imagine their lives any more than they could imagine mine. How does that happen? Over time, I gradually had to admit, it was a gift. God gave me a gift to relate to those little ones no matter the differences. I was given the gift to see inside those kids, past the walls around their hearts to their real selves. They inspired me to work harder, try more, and to never give up on them.

My second year of teaching, I saw the neighborhood deserted and my classroom become a revolving door. I started the year with 22 children and I ended the year with 22 children. But only 4 children had been with me the entire year. FOUR! I watched as children held up their shirts and showed me the blood from being whipped by extension cords. I cried as I called social services time and time again. I watched as children were taken from their homes. I waited for children who never showed up again because their families had skipped out in the night. I endured being cussed out by parents because I had taken their child's dinner money, two quarters. I sat with children left out in the cold on the last day before Thanksgiving, being forgotten by a mother who was working a double shift at the strip club. I accepted the gift of cat's collar still warm from the body of the cat. "Hear that beautiful sound, Ms. Mckenzie?" I listened and cried as that huge smile beamed while the hand shook the bell attached to the collar. Okay, and I chuckled cause they never did get my name right!! :-) I watched, I changed, I wept.

So, I opened my heart and was forever changed....and that was just the first two years.

to be continued

A Miracle

2011-05-31T07:13:00.000-07:00

A miracle occurred last night. And it couldn't have come at a better time. I have been discouraged, tired of being sick, and needing something. This miracle lifted my heart to new heights.

It starts with a secret. I had a favorite student. I know, I know, as a teacher you are NEVER supposed to have a pet. And I never let it show, mainly because sometimes she could REALLY try my patience. But in 1993, this little girl came into my classroom at 6 years old and promptly crawled up into my heart and never left. This little girl was scared, feisty, and had a little light in her eyes that no one had ever seen or nurtured. What she knew was fighting. That was the only way she got things, I think. She came from a rather large family and was a twin. You know she had to be feisty to make herself heard. What I saw in her though, was not a bad child, but a child who simply didn't know another way. This had worked for her. Fighting got her what she needed, so why try another way? Yes, all of this at 6 years of age. So I took her in my heart and got to keep her in first grade, second grade, and third grade. I had the privilege to watch this young girl learn other ways to get what she wanted. Now, she still fought, because in her neighborhood, I think she had to. (I didn't quite understand that then, but I do now.) And beneath that tough girl exterior was a loving little girl. And smart! Wow, once she stopped fighting me, she learned FAST!!! To be honest that was the true miracle. She was amazing. When Jack got a job in Maryland, I was crushed. Yes, I had a great reputation in Waco that I didn't want to leave. I had worked hard for that. But I didn't want to leave this little girl. I felt like I was abandoning her like others in her life had done. What message would that send this little girl that I adored? This was before computers and cell phones. This 9 year old was not going to write me letters and send them in the mail, so how would I keep letting her know that I was there? How would I communicate encouragement to her if I was not near? I was crushed. To be honest, I think I went into a depression over this. Of course, the big move, having 2 small children, living in a different culture (DC is a different culture, believe me), and the huge shift in our family life all contributed. But I think the start was feeling like I abandoned this little girl.

So, I held her in my heart. I kept up with her the only way I could, in my heart. I thought about her as she started 4th grade, 5th grade, 6th grade, etc. I sent good thoughts to her. I encouraged her to not give up. To keep trying even though she might be discouraged. I prayed her fighting would not get her into too much trouble. I prayed nothing untoward would come to her. Then I started helping other girls here in NC. I felt by helping them, I was helping her wherever she was. I kept up with one young girl who reminded me a bit of the TX girl. She had the same fight and sparkle in her eyes. But she moved away and I lost her too.

Leaving teaching was the hardest thing I have done. But leaving Shamika was harder. Now though, the universe has sent me a miracle. I found her. I found her on facebook. She is alive. Oh she looks good. She remembers me. She is graduating this weekend. She looks happy. I am so excited to catch up with her. I want to know how much she had to fight to get to where she is. I want to know if she felt me in her heart. I want to know that she has found love. I am so excited.

So the secret is out. In my heart are really 3 children, Stephen, Allie and Shamika. She has been there all these years, and will stay there till the end. Now I get to welcome her home. I wish I could be there this weekend, Shamika, to watch you graduate. I would hoot and holler louder than anyone. I would gather you in my arms and hug you tight. I would kiss your cheek and tell you how proud of you I am. I would beam. So girl, feel that. Hear me as you cross the stage, feel my hug, feel my kiss, and hear my words.........

I AM PROUD OF YOU!!
LOVE, MRS. MCKINNEY

Sister's Wives

2011-05-23T13:44:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am openly admitting that I watch this show on TLC. I began watching out of curiosity. My only image of polygamists was of the ultra conservatives. The long hair, old-timey dresses, marrying 13 year old girls to much older men, etc. But this show seem to show something else.

Cody is the husband. He is in his late 30's, early 40's? His first wife, and only legally wedded wife is Merrie. Merrie was brought up in a family of polygamists, and always knew she wanted to have that same type family. In fact, several years later, Merrie introduced Janelle to Cody and she became his 2nd wife. All the women are close in age, all around Cody's age. The Christina came along to make wife no. 3. They have several children among the three women. Christina stays at home and Janelle, Cody, and Merrie all work outside the home. They own a home that has 3 separate apartments. So each wife has their own kitchen and living area. When the show begins airing, Cody has fallen in love for the fourth time. He eventually marries Robin. All of these women were 21 years of age when they chose to marry Cody. They were well aware of the other wives, there were no tricks. Each wife chose this lifestyle. But, it is against the law in Utah, where it is probably more prominent. A couple of the wives have memories of their families being split up because their fathers were arrested. You might be asking why on earth would they go on National TV? Well, they thought people had changed. And as people may have changed, the law has not. So the State Prosecutor has instigated an investigation into their case.

The whole time I watch this show, I think about how I feel about this. It is not the lifestyle for me. I think it is wrong no matter your religious beliefs to marry a minor child and have sex with them. But, what about 2, 3, or 4 consenting adults? What about this family who is paying their way, paying taxes, raising normal, healthy children? They are practicing their religion. They don't want to try to change other people. They simply want religious freedom to live "family" they way they define it.

So, should government interfere in their personal lives, as long as they are all consenting adults? Is having one daddy, and 3 mommies detrimental to the children? All these thoughts are swirling in my head today as I watched the finale.

What are your thoughts?

YOU MAY DO ONE ACTIVITY AT A TIME

2011-05-22T12:21:00.000-07:00

When my son got to the age of having "activities" outside of our home, we were in the position of making some decisions about how we wanted our family life to look. Having met several of his 4-year old friends' moms who literally had a separate day planner for their 4 year old's activities, I was taken aback. I noticed that although both parents had full-time jobs as did Jack and I, they also had a nanny who was in charge of getting said child to all these activities. And that was not happening at the McKinney household. I was teaching at the time and was experiencing the older children who were living this same lifestyle. I remember one young lady who was very bright, but could not be quiet. She was so obnoxiously social, it was causing problems in my class. I ran a very independent style classroom, and this young lady couldn't organize her time on her own to complete any assignment. When I sat down with her, the issue became glaringly obvious. She was at French lessons every morning before school from 7:00 a.m. to 8:00 a.m. Then she came straight to school. After school, she had about 30 minutes at the daycare next door before being shuttled over to gymnastics where she worked out from 4:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. 4 days a week. Then it was home, dinner, and finish any homework that was not done in the 30 min. at daycare. Weekends were spent playing soccer, going to gymnastic meets, and more practice. This child was exhausted and the only free-time she had was in my classroom. So, she used that time to "play". Because all children need "play" time. Out of all this, came our family's philosophy. You may do one activity at a time.

So, Stephen's first choice was soccer. This proved to not be a great sport for him. He was very good at the actual sport, but the running into people and knocking them down, was too hard for him. He would score a goal and go back and apologize to the other kid! So the next year he chose baseball. Every season we would ask, "what do you want to try this season?" and his answer was always "BASEBALL!!"

Allie on the other hand, tried ballet, gymnastics, piano, and then singing in the Capital City Girls' Choir. She thought about trying softball or soccer, but when it became clear that she could not choose the color of her jersey, and she might have to wear something other than pink....she opted out! Yep, a girlie girl from the beginning.

This method of one activity has really worked for our family. Especially since we rarely had conflicts with either child's schedules. Stephen played year round with a 3 month break in Dec., Jan., and Feb. Allie's schedule was pretty set every Monday during the school year she had choir and then one performance in December and one in May. Very quickly, baseball began to take over our family life. Many a birthday and anniversary were spent at a baseball field. We got to travel to some pretty neat places to watch baseball. We have made some good friends watching our sons play. Granted, as Allie got older, the allure wore off for her.

Last year when Stephen left for college, we knew our lives would change. But surprisingly, baseball was the common thread. We went down many weekends in the fall and spring to watch scrimmages and games. Our family traveled to Savannah, GA, to a tournament. So, even though my house didn't smell like baseball anymore, baseball was still a huge part of our lives.

Stephen has made a decision that will change our lifestyle. He has finally decided it is time to move on to something new and leave baseball behind. I think he has sacrificed so much for this sport over the years, that he is ready to just live. He wants to get on with his life. He realized that baseball as a way of life, wasn't what he wanted. Having recently gone through Jack's major life change, we get it! We are sad of course, it is the end of a childhood dream. But we are excited to see where life leads him now. He will be leaving UNC-Pembroke, which he really hated, and will enter Appalachian this fall. He is excited.

So this summer will be his finale. He will play with his legion team, and many of his childhood friends, as a farewell to the sport that has shaped him and seen him through many years.

Our lifestyle will change dramatically. No more running to Pembroke on the weekends for a game. No more baseballs in my yard. No more net in my driveway. No more buying summer clothes with "sitting in the sun for hours and sweating" in mind.

So, I will savor this summer. I will cherish every play, every dirty uniform, every bit of red clay all over my house, and every smelly hat! I will sit back and enjoy sharing this family lifestyle for just a little bit more.

Then, come fall, I will still have Allie and her Monday rehearsals.....I will cherish every moment driving her to and fro. For I will have learned that I will miss our family philosophy: You may do one activity at a time.

Love Thursday

2011-05-13T16:40:00.000-07:00

Okay, this is a day late...Blogger wouldn't let me on yesterday...So, I am going to write today!

This week I'm loving:

1. Feeling better. Seriously! I can hold my head up, and actually get out of bed!!! I lost a whole month!!!! But I am starting my way up!

2. My family! I had a great Mother's Day. They are the best!

3. Baseball! It is so fun to watch games online or on tv with my hubby!

4. My daughter...she just cracks me up. She is so disciplined! One day this week she chose to do homework instead of hanging out with her friends...she is great!!!

5. Bunnies in my yard!! They are so cute!

That is what I am loving this week...what are you loving?

Menu Monday

2011-05-09T12:05:00.000-07:00

Today is Menu Monday, and because I was drugged out on Saturday, the day Jack and Allie go to the store, they took over. Unfortunately, they don't shop the same way I do. I must have a menu plan before I go to the store. They just go and pick up stuff they know we will eat. :-) Hey, we all have different styles! So I am going to make up a meal plan from what they bought. I don't know that this is what we will ACTUALLY eat, but maybe close!

Monday - Trader Joe's Barbecue Chicken Sandwiches

Tuesday - Spaghetti (never had it last week)

Wednesday - Subway sandwiches

Thursday - Grilled Chicken and Smashed Sweet Potatoes

Friday - Taco Salad

What are you eating this week?

"Has God caught up with you yet?"

2011-05-06T09:56:00.000-07:00

Today has been interesting. This morning as I drank my coffee and ate my breakfast, I turned on the TV to watch Grey's Anatomy which I had DVRed. It was about Arizona and Callie's wedding. In this episode, Callie's mother is seen refusing to hold the baby and really seeming not too excited about the whole ordeal. Finally, when Callie confronts her mother, her mother lets loose. This mother tells her child that she cannot and will not have anything to do with this baby who is born out of wedlock and will not acknowledge this as a wedding since it is not legal nor moral. The hero of this story comes in the form of Dr. Bailey. She says something in comforting Callie later that really touched me. "Where do you think God is? He's in you! He's in me! He's right here between the 2 of us. The world, it just hasn't caught up to God yet, your mother just hasn't caught up to God yet."

Then I flipped over to watch one of Oprah's shows from this week. It was on the Freedom Riders. I was touched and bowled over by the bravery and strength that those people had. They were 18, 19, 21, 28 years old!! Just children, really! And here they were, signing their wills and testaments and getting on a bus where they were mostly assured that they would die, get arrested, or beaten. That takes my breath away. Oprah asks, "What do you believe in so much that you would die for?"

Many leaders are drawing a correlation between the Civil Rights Movement and the GLBT Rights Movement. Black people were considered "less than". The Bible was used to say that Black people were inferior to White people. White people were scared of Black people. Black people were killed, hated, beaten, and not honored by any laws. Today, GLBT people are considered "less than". The Bible is used to say that GLBT people are inferior to Straight people. Straight people are scared of GLBT people. GLBT people are killed, hated, beaten and not honored by laws.

Are your children going to look back and say, "Wow, my parents stood up in a time when many thought they were wrong, to do what was right"? Or are they going to hang their head in embarrassment?

I pray God catches up with all of us soon.

(GLBT stands for gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender) ( just in case you didn't know)

Love Thursday

2011-05-05T09:26:00.000-07:00

It is THURSDAY!!!! And you know what that means? You get a peek into what I am thankful for this week!

So, today, I am loving:

1. The smell of freshly cracked pepper sizzling in a little olive oil right before I drop my egg white into the tiny pan! Mmmmmmmmmm, good!!!

2. Watching my dog, Sunshine, go around the house excited, then when I sit in my chair in the bedroom, she plops on the floor and within minutes she is SAWING LOGS!!! Too cute!!!

3. Seeing all the pictures of mothers on facebook! (gotta go get mine up!)

4. Fresh clean sheets, pulled tight with no wrinkles!!!

5. The feeling after going for 3 days without a shower and the clean feeling you get! Just makes you come alive!!!

Yes, as you can tell, I have not been outside my house since last Thursday! These are little things....but they do make me smile!!!!

What are you loving this week?

Being an Adult Sucks!

2011-05-04T09:52:00.000-07:00

A break. Finally a break. My gut seems to be a bit more settled today, so maybe the Crohn's is taking a bit of a rest. My fever has broken. My iron levels are up. Still a bit weak, afterall, I do have Mono still..but today my spirits are much higher.

It is one of those days I love. The sun is shining, the air is crisp and cool. My favorite kind of day. So, how could one's spirits be low?

On my mind today is a theme that seems to be swirling around me. Being a grownup stinks. My college-aged son is at the point in his life, with one year of being on his own under his belt, when he is realizing that being an adult isn't all it is cracked up to be! Then many of my middle-aged friends are at that point in their lives where their kids are leaving home or they themselves are recognizing that they are at that midway point and starting to wonder...Is this all there is? Is there where I want to be for the rest of my life? Why am I still here? Why am I not much farther along in my career, not much more financially stable, or not that in love with my spouse/partner? We have all at some point and maybe at many points, stopped and ask ourselves variations of these questions. Being a grownup carries lots of responsibilities. As my son recently said, "There is so much stuff to keep up with." And he is right. The sad thing is, he doesn't even know the half of it yet. It is fun to watch him as he grows up, but it is also a bit sad...I wish I could save him from the downs...but that isn't how we grow.

So how do we remain sane, much less happy? How do we face the responsibilities that feel like lead weights bringing us down? Well, this much I know to be true....when you follow your heart and love...you will get through. This is the message I am giving my son right now. Follow your heart, your passion. Yes, there will be hard times, but if you are doing what you love with whomever you love, there will be strength. Yes, sometimes you will want to give up, throw it all away, but then you look into your heart and you remember...this is what brings you joy, this person is who brings me joy, this job is what makes life better. And you can do it.

Often we find ourselves doing jobs that don't bring us satisfaction, joy, love. Often we find ourselves with burdens that outweigh our joy, such as medical bills, insurance premiums. But we must persevere, we must keep striving for that which brings joy and satisfaction. Maybe you are sacrificing right now so that your partner can follow their dream, maybe you are in a job right now that is not your passion, but pays the bills so that you can get one step closer to your dream job. Maybe, you are waiting around for a job....any job....just to pay the bills. Where is the joy there? How do you reconcile that with your heart? Only you know the answer to that question and all the others. At the end of the day, you must make the choices that you can live with. Maybe your need to have no worries about money, leads you to a job that isn't necessarily joyful, but it brings you joy to not have to worry about money. Maybe having to pinch every penny to not have to take on a third job while you wait for your dream job to become lucrative is what will bring you joy in the end. I don't know. I only know that the times in my life when our family has chosen out of love and care for each other, we have gotten through. Oh, there have been many times I wanted to choose the more lucrative route, but I am glad I followed my heart. It has been tough, it is tough right now, but I am content. I know for me and my family we are on the right path for us. And isn't that what really matters?

Thank you for listening to my babble. Reading my thoughts. And putting up with my self-interest!
Have a great day! Remember, Love Thursday is tomorrow! What will you be loving?

Love and Evil

2011-05-03T09:48:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here today holding feelings that are familiar to me. But feelings I don't want to carry around. These feelings started in my childhood. At a pretty early age I remember feeling like spanking me because I was bad was not right. I felt like hurting me, wasn't what the adults in my life were supposed to do. (before I get lots of hate mail here, my parents and I have talked about this...this is all they knew...we are good) Even then using force to teach didn't feel like the right thing to do.

Then in my teens, I remember sitting in the choir loft at church. An evangelist and several men in our church, were all in a room somewhere in the church praying over a female teen because she had declared she was a lesbian. I remember feeling in my gut that this was coercion, and it could not be right.

Then I went to college. One morning in convocation or chapel we had a professor speak. This professor had been my first religion prof. He was amazing. He constantly asked questions, and really listened to your answers. He questioned us until we answered with our thoughts, not the thoughts we had been taught in Sunday School. He was the first person to "give me permission" to voice the doubts in my mind. It was an exhilarating experience. But on this morning he spoke about something that I knew very little about but would change my life forever.

He spoke about pacifism. He told us about being in the war and the struggles he had with his conscience and what the Bible said about killing. I had always hated guns because I had lost several friends as a kid to gun violence. Before this morning they had simply scared me. But that day, I found a place inside my soul open up, as if it had been waiting for a crack to let it shine. Killing is wrong. We as Christians should not condone war or the death penalty. We should be about God's love, that is what Jesus taught. Peace.

Then as an adult, I came face to face with Evil. How as a Christian did I deal with this issue? I was choosing peace over war, love over fear, etc. But what about these evil people. I taught in the inner cities and saw these abused, poor children who at the age of 7 already had walls up around their hearts so high and thick I couldn't get through. Seven years old and they had already learned that no one cared. I envisioned these young kids growing up and I saw into their futures...it would not be much different than those of their parents. So, that means these evil people in the world were once small children who deserved a chance, but didn't get it. That seemed so unfair.

So, I went to several people and discussed evil with them. They were from different walks of life, and all people that I respected. I got lots of different answers and yet there was a similar theme. In truth, we are all born with evil and good in us. We all have the capability to be evil or be good. It is a matter of life circumstances, choices, and sometimes luck.

Today I am sitting here with conflicting feelings. I just read a blog post about my husband's appearance on the Bill O'Reilly show. It was filled with hate and venom. So much so that shills went down my spine as I read. I am also sitting here reading facebook statuses, watching tv news, seeing people question other's patriotism if they are not cheering over Osama Bin Laden's death. All of these people are Christians. They have all chosen to live their lives for good. So how does one mesh all these thoughts and feelings together?

For me, it always begins with empathy. I must, I believe, put my self in their shoes, feel their pain, and try to understand what brings them to this place of hate, or judgement. When I do this, I can see why they might be in the place they are, without condoning their actions. It is not easy. It is much easier to yell back. To get angry back at them. But this is not what I feel called to do by Jesus. I am called to love my neighbor as myself. To treat others as I would want to be treated.

So today I must choose to listen, possibly ask questions, and to love, even those who are questioning my faith and my patriotism. I must stand up for those whose rights have been taken away. I must choose grace and mercy. For this is how I want to be treated in return.

The Return of Menu Mondays

2011-05-02T09:10:00.000-07:00

I am working hard to get back into the habit of writing on my blog. The practice of writing everyday will help me with writing my novel, I hope. I taught my kids that they needed to write some everyday and eventually the words they really wanted to write would come....so I guess it is time to practice what I taught. I am going to pick up some of my regular posts, like "Love Thursdays" and "Menu Mondays!"

Of course this week, I will not be doing much of the cooking at all. Jack and Allie will do the majority. And I have to add here, that Jack grilled steaks and baked potatoes Saturday night that were out of this world! I am one lucky woman!

Okay, onto the menu for the week:

Monday - Quesadillas with Guacamole

Tuesday - Grilled Chicken with Sweet Potatoes Fries

Wednesday - Taco Salad

Thursday - Spaghetti

Friday - Breakfast! (Bleeker's favorite!!)

What are you eating this week?

From the Inside Looking Out

2011-05-01T10:26:00.000-07:00

When I was quite young, I remember it snowing in Texas. This was a big deal, quite possibly my first snow. But of course I was sick and not allowed to go outside. I remember my older brother, Kip, making a snowball and handing it to me through the window. I also remember pressing my feverish forehead against the cold pane of glass wistfully watching him play. I have found myself in this same place quite often through my life. When I was a teen, I was friends with people who were older than me. I remember one time we were circled around the fireplace at the Bryson's and they were all talking about their futures. Where they were going to college, what they were going to major in, when they wanted to get married, etc. They turned to me and all I could say was, "I just hope I have a date to the prom." I was still on the inside of youth, high school. They were out in the "world".

I am reminded of these feelings today as I lay here in bed and look outside my window. The sun is shining, the trees are green. I hear mowers, blowers, and birds singing. I see the statuses of my friends on facebook and they are outside doing fun things today. My husband is out watching our son play baseball. I wish I was outside today. But alas, I am not. These are the days that try me. The days that that make it more difficult to choose to have a smile instead of frowning. The days that make me want to vent, whine, cry. Hard days. But I can't stay here. This place is toxic and very hard to climb out of the longer you stay. So I climb out...

Even though my body is failing me right now, it is not terminal. I will once again feel good. Yes, it may not be as good as most people feel, but I don't know any better anyway!! Even though I can feel my energy draining with each word I type, I can type. I can think, I have access to a computer to be "connected". I have a roof over my head, a comfortable bed, my room is a comfortable temperature, I have friends who love me, and family that adore me. What more could I really ask for?

Life on the inside can sometimes be hard and lonely, but so can life on the outside. So which do you choose today, to see the negative or positive?

Abolitionists and Hell

2011-04-29T10:53:00.000-07:00

This past week has been very interesting in our home. For my non-facebook readers, my husband appeared on the Bill O'Reilly show on Monday and debated the existence of Hell with Bill himself. The aftermath of that show has brought interesting moments of sadness, anger, joy and surprise. Almost immediately after the show aired, Jack's email began to fill with notes of outrage, urges to become saved, warnings of "heretical behavior", accusations of being "the face of evil", and my favorite - revelations of "I can tell you are a gay man looking for a loophole". Uh-oh, that was news to me!

I am currently reading Jane Smiley's The All-True Travels and Adventures of Lidie Newton. Lidie has moved to the west with other settlers to develop Kansas territory. She and her husband are arguing about how to conduct themselves and whether they should acknowledge that they are abolitionists or just try to "get along with everyone else". Lidie is scared that she and her husband will be killed and is urging him to just get along. This is part of her speech,

"Husband, you are in the West now, not in Boston. Don't you realize the westerners hate abolitionists? Abolitionists are people who...who...who keep turning over rocks and making everyone else look at what's under there or, worse, smell it and touch it. Abolitionists won't let anyone alone. Westerners hate that."

This is what my husband does, he keeps turning over rocks and urging us to look under them, touch it, smell it, so that then, we may not turn a blind eye. He will not let society alone. He will continue turning over rocks and championing those whose voices aren't heard until all rocks have been overturned. He is my hero. Thank you Jack, for continuing to turn over rocks with me and teaching me as we go.

Love Thursday, revived

2011-04-28T14:13:00.000-07:00

I came to blogging because of my knitting. I used to read 20 different blogs everyday on knitting. Now I really just read 3. One of those is Shiree's "She Knits Shizknits". I find her funny and I love hearing about the antics of her 2 beautiful boys. It has been interesting following her, because her interests in knitting began to dwindle about the time mine did. Not that we don't both still knit...well, I guess she does...but our blogs took a different turn. She went off into Yoga...ahem...not me!!! And now she is into DIY. As you all know, I love this topic!! So it has been fun to follow her.

She inspired me at the beginning to start my own "Love Thursdays". I really enjoyed doing that. It helped me to stop and smell the roses if you will. I became more observant in my week. So, she recently reinstated "Love Thursday" and I am going to follow her lead!

This week I am loving:

1. My boy coming home for Easter! His hugs are the best. His carefree spirit is so inspiring. His bravery is admirable.

2. Friends who are there for me when I just need some company.

3. Finding new authors and new books although this is not the way I wish to do it.

4. Discovering the gift of a friend...her first novel...then her bringing me a stack of books and not one have I read before.

5. Having my writing rekindled by this friend's story.

6. My husband. He is there when I need to whine. He is there when I need a hug. He is there to talk seriously about topics when I am bored out of my mind from laying around. He is there with his quick wit to make me laugh when all I can do is cry. I just adore him.

7. Watching my daughter's free laughter and seeing her laugh at herself with her friends. Her smile could light up a city!

8. I know this is a bit odd. But I am loving my doctors and nurses this week. I am blessed to have 2 doctors who really care and show true concern about me and my health. I wish it wasn't like this, but since it is, I am so thankful to have found Dr. Carlson and Dr. Barish!

This is what I am loving this week, how about you?

Allie's 16th Birthday

2011-03-16T15:55:00.000-07:00

Today's post is actually stolen from a previous post in November on things I am thankful for. I felt in honor of her 16th birthday, it was a memory worth reliving. I've added a couple of photos. I hope you enjoy.

Today, I am thankful for Allie, my dear daughter. Jack really wanted to know the sex of our first baby, but I said NO! So to compromise, we found out early the sex of our second child. We were going to have a girl. I was so very excited and scared. Jack had named Stephen after someone special in his life, so I got to name the second child after someone special in my life. For that reason, I was very excited to have a girl, because I wanted to name her after my grandmother Eads. But, I realized even before I held her in my arms, that I would have such a huge responsibility to this little girl. I would need to be a woman she could look up to. I would need to exhibit the qualities I wanted her to have. The problem was, I didn't possess all those qualities. The transformation began while she was still inside me. I started making small changes in my life that were huge. My confidence grew in many areas.

The moment they placed her in my arms, I found out that your heart really can grow in an instant. My fears of not being able to love another child went out the window. My heart grew and took her in. It was a peaceful time too. Her delivery was easy and smooth, and she did not have to be whisked away like Stephen. So we had her first few minutes alone together. She also became hungry almost immediately! She has been hungry for life ever since.

This little girl was almost everything I was not. She was girly from the moment she could move on her own. Dolls, dress-up, PINK, and kitchens were her obsessions. She did not really enjoy being outside and sweating or getting dirty. She was strong. She knew her mind and was not shy about letting everyone know it. She was smart and witty. Yes, all of this showed up by the age of 3! I was in awe. I adored this little ball of pink.

My daughter is the bravest person I know. She was born with a facial assymetry, and a discoloration on the left side of her body. When she was little, we encountered many stupid, mean people. As she has grown, the differences are much less noticeable, yet she still encounters stupid people occasionally. Where many teen girls would wear their hair over their face, slouch, and not hold their head high, my daughter stands tall, holds her head high and walks with a confidence I can only dream of. I am amazed by her. She inspires me daily to be my best me. She inspires me to be brave in the face of stupidity.

Yes, we have our teen-mom moments. Yes, sometimes she makes me so mad I want to scream, and vice-versa I am sure. But this girl, I would not trade her for all the gold in China. She was a miracle baby. I should not have gotten pregnant, but God had different plans. God knew that this little girl and I needed each other. God knew I needed her to teach me.

Allie, I love you more than the sky is blue, more than the mountain is tall, more than the sun is bright. Thank you for teaching me all that you have so far. I look forward to watching you grow and seeing where life takes you. Just know that I am here. that I love you. that you are special. mom

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY SWEET GIRLIE GIRL!

A Silly Love Story

2011-02-14T14:16:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time, there was a young girl, a silly young girl. A girl who laughed in an unusual way and at inopportune times. A sweet girl, a girl who loved her friends and her college. A girl who had a plan. A life plan by which she would live her life. This silly young girl loved plans. She loved writing out her plan for each day knowing that those days led up to the big plan, the overarching plan. She met a boy her freshman year. A silly boy who broke appointments with her. A boy who stayed up late and slept in. A boy who had big ideas for the leadership of his school. The girl didn't think much about him, but there was always something. Something she couldn't quite see. The girl continued down her path all planned out. She spent the summer working and writing all her college friends wherever they were that summer. All except the silly boy who never gave her his address. When school started back the silly boy went to the silly girl and asked why she hadn't written. The silly girl made a smart remark and they laughed. But there was something. Something she couldn't quite see. The silly boy became president of his class and the silly girl was the secretary. They had meetings and often the boy would walk the girl and her friend home. The silly girl began work at the library. She noticed the silly boy hanging out. Often the silly boy seemed to be leaving the library at the same time she was, so they would walk together. They talked, they laughed, and there was something. Something she couldn't quite see. Secretly the silly girl got off her plan. She began to see another boy, not a silly boy, not a nice boy. She realized this but felt trapped. She was scared and began to share with the silly boy. He listened so intently, but never gave advice. One night after a meeting, the silly girl was in the elevator with her friend. The friend said, "you know the silly boy likes you." The silly girl laughed and laughed. But there was something. Something she couldn't quite see. Soon after that, the silly boy offered the silly girl an escape. Go out with him, the silly boy. So, she did.

The silly girl began to like the silly boy. There was just something. Something she couldn't quite see. The silly boy and silly girl started spending all their free time together. They talked and talked about everything. They laughed and laughed. The silly girl pretended to like staying up late at night. She pretended to really like watching sports on TV. The silly boy suspected, but didn't care, because she was sitting by him and that was all that mattered. The silly girl got sick and had to leave school without saying goodbye to the silly boy. So the silly boy went to her house. It was then that the silly girl KNEW there was something. But she still couldn't quite see. They continued dating after returning to school until one day, the silly girl SAW. She saw the something. She saw it LOUD AND CLEAR. The silly girl never wanted to be apart from the silly boy ever. The something was LOVE. This scared the silly girl, because this was not her life plan. The silly boy was not who she planned on marrying. He was a MINISTERIAL STUDENT. The silly girl was NOT going to marry a MINISTERIAL STUDENT. Plus she wasn't supposed to get married till she was out of college for a year or two. She wasn't supposed to meet the boy until her junior year! The silly boy was wrecking the silly girl's life plan. So, the silly girl broke up with the silly boy.

Unlike the previous boy, the not nice boy, the silly boy was a boy of integrity. He had given his word that he would go to watch the silly girl's younger brother play basketball, and he was going. On the drive to the silly girl's house, it was silent. There was little talk, little laughter. Not silly at all. After dinner, the silly girl's grandmother said to the silly girl, "He is the one." The silly girl gasped and said, "I hope not, because I just broke up with him." "Well, you better fix that," replied the silly girl's grandmother. So, on the way home that night, the silly girl pleaded with the silly boy to take her back. She didn't want to be without him. The silly boy smiled, and said yes, because the silly boy knew all along that the silly girl was scared, but he didn't care because she was right beside him and that was all that mattered.

The silly girl and the silly boy got married and became the silly woman and the silly man. Together they had a silly baby boy and a silly baby girl. They still talk and talk and laugh and laugh. The silly woman still pretends sometimes to love watching sports on TV, and the silly man knows. But it is okay because she is sitting right beside him and that is all that matters.

THE END

Poetry

2011-02-10T17:12:00.000-08:00

You invited me in, and poured me some tea.
I sat, listened and held your hand.
You poured out your soul,
I poured out mine.
And now there is nothing.
A big blank hole.

I don't usually venture out to others' homes.
I keep to myself and those trusted few.
But out I came and bared my soul.
Out I came and took on your pain.
And now there is nothing.
A big blank hole.

I am left standing with your pain in my heart.
I am left holding a forgotten promise.
A piece of my soul is out there.
I am too trusting, but ne'er again.
And now there is nothing.
A big blank hole.

Breathing in 2011

2011-02-01T13:16:00.000-08:00

Maybe this year I will just post on the first day of the month! Ha!! It is funny, I can go through periods where a blog post come into my head every day, and then times when I forget I have a blog. :-) I want to develop my writing, and to do so, I need to write everyday. EVERY. DAY. hmmmmmm.........

I just reread my post for the beginning of 2011. It seems that I was very prescient. "Let go." Wow, who knew those 2 little words could have such an impact on my life. I wrote that I would like to "Let go" more in 2011. Well, almost immediately, I have been provided with many opportunities to practice. And well, let's just say my grade right now is in the "D" range.

I have written about these same areas so many times. I have struggled with them so many times. And I get so angry at myself now because once again I am giving my power away. Once again I am allowing fear to rule my thoughts and emotions. Once again.....so I am not going to write about them here. I am not going to let these issues reign in my life.

I am going to breathe in...................and feel my body filling with oxygen and air
then as I slowly exhale.....................I will let those fears go
breathe in............................feel my body expanding
exhale.........................let the betrayals go
breathe in.....................and listen to the silence as I hold
then exhale....................let those people go
breathe in.....................and feel my heart beating
exhale........................let go of the bitterness
breathe in...........................feel the warmth spreading
exhale........................let go of the negative
breathe in.................feel the positive energy
exhale.......................let the pain go
breathe in...................feel the healing begin.

How about you? Do you have something you just can't let go? Does it creep into your life continually? How do you handle it?

For now, I'll just keep breathing........

A New Year

2011-01-01T09:37:00.000-08:00

Almost every blogger is writing a post today about the upcoming new year and what their hopes and dreams are. I guess I am no different. January 1st is always a good time to stop and think about the future and the path you are on. And to see if changes need to be made.

I am currently entering the 2nd half of my life. I am asking lots of questions. What makes me happy? What brings me joy? How can I live each day to its fullest? How can I be even more present in the "present"? I have some answers, I have found a job that I can do that makes me feel good about my part in our family. I have found that spending time with my husband doing just normal things, makes me happy and brings me joy. Raking the leaves together, browsing through a scrap store together these are what make me happy. What brings me ultimate joy is the love of my family. I have 2 children who have really grown up this year and have been able to articulate their love and appreciation. I have a husband who gets me, and yet still loves me. wow!

But there are still lots to learn, lots of ways to grow. And I welcome that, even though I know that means pain along the way. It seems like growth always includes some degree of pain. But in the second half of my life I now know that the pain won't last forever, and one day, there will be rebirth. So now, I can hold onto that.

As I enter 2011, I want to learn to be more real, to love more, to let go, to savor the moments. What are your wishes and hopes this year?

Happy New Years!

Pain and Hope

2010-12-30T12:19:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you just wish someone understood your pain. You know your husband is empathetic, caring and concerned. But there is that niggling in the back of your head, "Does he really understand or does he think I am faking?" You have no proof of this, just your brain playing tricks on you. When you ask your teens to do something for you, like get you a drink, make some tea, unload the dishwasher because the pain won't allow you to do it, they roll their eyes and sigh and you think, "Do they think I am faking?". You wish they got it, understood. When your friends show impatience with you for not being able to go and do, you wish they got it, understood. Then it dawns on you suddenly. For them to know means they have it. Means they are in as much pain as you are in. No, no, no. I don't want them to ever understand. I don't want them to EVER get it. I don't.

But the thing is, I don't want it either. We are coming to the end of another year. Another year without a cure. Not just a cure for my diseases but for so many diseases! It is heartbreaking. Yet, we hold on to hope. Hope that a mistake will happen in a lab and a cure will be found in the process. Or hell, just a drug with no side effects that makes your body think it is well and takes away all the pain. Anything. I'll take anything.

I don't like when I get to this place. The negativity door just flies open and all the whining, complaining and bitching just flies out. Just ask Jack! I guess we all have a tolerance level and I have reached mine once again. I know it will get better. I know I will know days of just a little pain. At least I hope so. That is the scary part. You always wonder, is this it? Is this the beginning of a life with a much higher level of pain always? That is frightening because you know there is that possibility. It is always out there waiting for you. The goal is to keep it at bay as long as possible.

Instead of regaling you with all the gritty details of how much pain I am in currently, I simply want to share this poem and in so doing shut the door to negativity once again.

Hopes for 2011

In this upcoming year may we be ever mindful of those around us,
May we smile in the grocery line,
May we slow down and really see the sales clerk, nurse, mechanic, etc.
May we open a door for a stranger,
May we let a car in our lane.

In this upcoming year may we be ever mindful of those we love,
May we tell them "I love you",
May we slow down and really listen,
May we be courteous,
May we give of ourselves.

In this upcoming year may we be ever mindful of ourselves,
May we cut ourselves some slack,
May we slow down and breathe,
May we allow ourselves some fun,
May we allow ourselves to receive.

Advent 2010

2010-12-17T01:23:00.000-08:00

I did not grow up knowing about the advent season. I don't think it is part of the Southern Baptist tradition. Probably too much like the "Catholics". Just kidding. I don't know if it is part of their tradition now or not. For me, Advent is something I have learned about as an adult. Unfortunately after my first introduction, it became a part of my husband's job, and quite frankly when I heard Advent, I heard "Your husband is going to be busier than normal, if that is possible". Don't get me wrong, there were seasons where the message got through. There were years I could feel the meaning. I am just saying overall, it was part of Jack's work. This year it is different. I am not even in church to hear about advent, yet here it is. This morning I feel it in my soul. So, here are my thoughts.

Advent is waiting. Not the fingers drumming, horn honking, hurry up waiting. It is the heart opening, soul expecting, mind wondering waiting. It is in this place that we do find hope, joy and peace. I feel my family has been in this place for the last year.

Jack left the ministry last year the Sunday before Advent. We have spent part of this year waiting to see what Jack would do. Would he teach? Would he be a therapist? Would he write? We have spent part of this year waiting to see what our lives would look like. Would we start having friends over more? Would we start new hobbies? How would we spend our new-found free time? There were many wonderings. Like who did we want to become? What do we want to do with the second half of our lives? What brings us peace? What brings us joy?

Those of you who know me are probably guffawing at this moment. You know that I don't wait well. I tend to worry, get anxious, even panic when I don't have a plan or know what is going on. I also tend to worry about money quite a bit, especially since I no longer teach. But you know, this past year, none of those things have entered my mind. Oh sure, we have thought about money. But again I would use the word, wonder. We have wondered how can we make a little more to make it through this "building up" stage of Jack's practice. This is miraculous.

A sense of calm and peace settled over our family this year. As we have spent time wondering, exploring, and loving each other, joy has filled our lives. No, it has not been an easy year. Yes, we have had some significant trials. In years past, these dramas would have easily defined the year for me, but not now. We are still waiting. We are still wondering. We are still loving.

What are you waiting for? What are you wondering about? Who are you loving? I pray this advent season finds you. I pray you are able to open your heart and let the sense of peace, hope and joy enter. I love you all.

Peace!

Christmas Decorating Part 2

2010-12-14T05:37:00.000-08:00

I do love the twinkling lights of Christmas. I turn my tree on, my wreath and my other tree as soon as I get up in the morning, do you? I love to see the lights all day long. I think I may have to think of a way to incorporate lights in my house all year long!

This is the Gingerbread Garland my mom made many years ago. I remember being pretty young when she made it. About 7 or so years ago, my mom gave away several Christmas items to my brothers and me. This was quite coveted. But it was the ONLY thing I wanted! And I won it! For me it is priceless!

She sewed all those buttons on my hand and stuffed them all! She was one patient woman!!!

This is my Santa collection. Nothing like my mom's, but I love it. In fact, most of those Santas came from my mom as gifts!!! Too funny!

My large tin collection. Never really know what to do with them!!

After a grand Thanksgiving table, I decided to go simple for Christmas. Plus it will just be the four of us. I like it!

This curio cabinet was Jack's Nanny's. The top Nativity is Allie's. The second shelf holds the Nativity that Jack got me when we were dating. And the pewter one my MIL gave several years ago. The third shelf is awkward and I am not sure how to make it better, but it holds the Santa snack plate and mug. And last are my Dicken's houses!

Christmas Decorating Part 1

2010-12-10T19:45:00.000-08:00

I love the Christmas season. Growing up, my mom always decorated every inch of our house. She adored Christmas. My mom's dad was a tenant farmer and they had very little. She remembers one Christmas getting fudge (her mom had made) and an apple for Christmas and being happy about it. But she wanted more for her children, I guess we all do. So she went over the top. Plus, Dad started having an open house every year for the church, at least I guess it was Dad's idea. So then, we started decorating even more. Mom and I would wear long skirts and turtleneck sweaters, we would light all the candles and offer tons of goodies. We have some great stories around those open houses. Like the year my dad decided to burn the grass the Saturday before the Open house. Oh, and we had no sidewalk to the front day, so people had to track through the burned grass to get inside. Oh my, we laugh now, but then....not so much.

When I got married, I married a guy whose family didn't quite celebrate Christmas like me. In fact, his family put up a tree, a wreath, some stockings and that was about it. On Christmas Eve, they opened their gifts! ~gasp~ So, the first clash happened. "Why do we need a wreath in the bathroom?" "Why do we need a 6-foot tree when we have this perfectly good 3 footer from college?" "Santa still visits you??? He still visits your brother? (who was 25 and married at the time)" Yes, that first year was interesting. But over the years we have met in the middle. I put up a little less, and he puts up with a little more! Okay, well, you may wonder how I put up less....so yea, this is half of what my mom used to do! On that note, welcome to our home.

In our entryway, I took an old window which I purchased at the flea market for $1 and hung a Yarn Ball wreath I made on it. On the table I added my new hurricane jars (I think that is what they are called) which I made with thrift store finds, with snow(Epsom Salts), candy and a candle. Next is a Snowman box I have had for years. I found this yarn ball snow man at the thrift store this year for $.50! And then the lamp atop a tin brings it all together.

As you walk into our den the focal point is our huge fireplace that soars to the ceiling. I found this wreath at a garage sale about 5 years ago and bought it for $5. I added a bow and some lights. This year I was inspired to add balls. So I bought some large balls at K-Mart on sale for $.50 each. I think it really dresses up the wreath.

Next I added more vases filled with vintage balls I have had a long time, garland with beads, and the lighted boxes which were gifts over the years.

I picked up this small red sled for $.50 at Goodwill, added a $.25 holly pick and a bow from my stash. I hung it by the fireplace and really like how it looks.

On one end of the den I tried something new this year. I put the old rocker in the corner and hung Jack's mom's mirror. Then I added an old wreath I had and put some balls on it and hung it over the mirror. I really like this look. The throw was a gift many years ago.

I got these old insulators at an estate sale because they remind me of my mom. She used to have them all over the house. So I just arranged them on the side table with some candles, an old bottle and some old McGuffy readers. Yes, the one on the far left holds pens. We always need pens when sitting in this chair, so I thought I would "pretty" it up.

On the other side of the room is our tree. I decorate using ornaments from my childhood, our marriage together, kids' ornaments, places we have gone, and gifts. I love the eclectic look of a tree. Beside the tree, I hung this great picture. It is a felt tree from the Dollar Tree, $.50, the frame I got at the thrift store for $.50. I painted the frame, and the mat and voila! A piece of artwork for Christmas!

And then the kitchen. I am having so much fun decorating the kitchen for the seasons! These columns and plate ledge are fabulous for decorating! So I took the frames and took out the fall photos and added another felt tree (from the pack I got for the art in the den) in one. Next I used wrapping paper and cut out ornaments and candy cane shapes. Looks great! On the middle column I added an old grater, my camping coffee pot, and a jar of "lollipops"! On another column I placed an old feather tree and attached some balls. On the far column I added my lollipop tree and some Christmas candy to my jars!

And finally I wrapped some tulle around the pillows! I love my new kitchen!

Sorry for the glitchy photo placements. Me and blogger don't do photos so great! I'll work on part 2 and the baking blog post later. This has taken a while!

A Month of Thanks

2010-11-14T06:39:00.000-08:00

I never have been good with writing every day, and counting down. So screw it, I will just write when I can! Afterall, it is MY blog, I can do what I damn well please!!! :-)

Today, I am thankful for Allie, my dear daughter. Jack really wanted to know the sex of our first baby, but I said NO! So to compromise, we found out early the sex of our second child. We were going to have a girl. I was so very excited and scared. Jack had named Stephen after someone special in his life, so I got to name the second child after someone special in my life. For that reason, I was very excited to have a girl, because I wanted to name her after my grandmother Eads. But, I realized even before I held her in my arms, that I would have such a huge responsibility to this little girl. I would need to be a woman she could look up to. I would need to exhibit the qualities I wanted her to have. The problem was, I didn't possess all those qualities. The transformation began while she was still inside me. I started making small changes in my life that were huge. My confidence grew in many areas.

The moment they placed her in my arms, I found out that your heart really can grow in an instant. My fears of not being able to love another child went out the window. My heart grew and took her in. It was a peaceful time too. Her delivery was easy and smooth, and she did not have to be whisked away like Stephen. So we had her first few minutes alone together. She also became hungry almost immediately! She has been hungry for life ever since.

This little girl was almost everything I was not. She was girly from the moment she could move on her own. Dolls, dress-up, PINK, and kitchens were her obsessions. She did not really enjoy being outside and sweating or getting dirty. She was strong. She knew her mind and was not shy about letting everyone know it. She was smart and witty. Yes, all of this showed up by the age of 3! I was in awe. I adored this little ball of pink.

My daughter is the bravest person I know. She was born with a facial assymetry, and a discoloration on the left side of her body. When she was little, we encountered many stupid, mean people. As she has grown, the differences are much less noticeable, yet she still encounters stupid people occasionally. Where many teen girls would wear their hair over their face, slouch, and not hold their head high, my daughter stands tall, holds her head high and walks with a confidence I can only dream of. I am amazed by her. She inspires me daily to be my best me. She inspires me to be brave in the face of stupidity.

Yes, we have our teen-mom moments. Yes, sometimes she makes me so mad I want to scream, and vice-versa I am sure. But this girl, I would not trade her for all the gold in China. She was a miracle baby. I should not have gotten pregnant, but God had different plans. God knew that this little girl and I needed each other. God knew I needed her to teach me.

Allie, I love you more than the sky is blue, more than the mountain is tall, more than the sun is bright. Thank you for teaching me all that you have so far. I look forward to watching you grow and seeing where life takes you. Just know that I am here. that I love you. that you are special. mom

A Month of Thanks - Day 5,6, and 7

2010-11-07T05:50:00.000-08:00

So, it turn out writing daily didn't go so well. But, I am not going to stop, I will keep trying.

Today I am thankful for my son. He is my first-born. He was longed for and dreamed of for many years. I will never forget hearing those words after hours of labor, "It's a boy!" In that second, my life changed forever. I promised him that I would be the best mom I could be. He and I have a remarkable open relationship. We can talk to each other easily, we get each other. He has had to be patient with me as he made each transition in life. It has been hard for me to let go of each stage. But he has taught me to embrace the future and not live out of fear. I can sit and tell him what I fear, and he will patiently listen and then just hug me. He never makes promises that it won't happen, he just listens and hugs me. Wow! What maturity.

I have always felt bad that he has to be the one to usher in each new transition. Allie has it a bit easier because he has already "broken us in". We are in one of those times now. I am trying to transition to the mother of an adult. Legally, I have no more rights as his parent. He is now out there having to make his own way and reap those rewards and pay those consequences. I still want to shield him. I still want to bring him home under my wing. But that is not what he wants. Nor is it what he needs. He needs me to be here and listen and hug him. Just like he has been teaching me all along. I can't make any promises to him. I can't fix anything for him. But I can be here. I can listen. And you better believe I will hug him. (afterall, he gives the best hugs....some girl one day will be VERY lucky!!)

Stephen, I love you. It is such a privilege to be your mom. You have taught me so very much during your 18 years with me. I know you are going to go on to do so much good in this world. Your loving spirit is needed in our world. As you go, know that I am here. I will listen. And I will hug you. I will not make promises, and I will not try to fix you or the situation. Of course, as in the past, I will probably screw up some, so please be patient and gently remind me again and again.
I love you,
Mom

What are you thankful for today?

A Month of Thanks - Day 4

2010-11-04T14:19:00.000-07:00

Today I am thankful for my new job. I am enjoying this very much. Since many have asked, I'll describe it briefly here. I am a Prescreener for The New Teacher Project. I look at the applications coming in and using the TNTP model, determine whether the applicant gets an interview or not. This is work that can be done at home on my computer. In fact, I couldn't sleep last night and so I screened two files. It is quite nice to be able to log on when I am able and make money. Jack is doing this as well while his business builds up. It has given us something new to talk about and bond over. It has been cool.

I love feeling like I am contributing again to my family, and that I am still having some minor role in education.

What are you thankful for today?

A Month of Thanks Day 3

2010-11-03T08:33:00.000-07:00

I knew by taking on this challenge of writing about my blessings and what I am thankful for I would encounter obstacles. I just didn't realize they would come so soon. Election time is hard. Our society has made it out to be a "do or die" situation. Every election it feels as if the future of our country rests on this very election. It then causes a panic when the election doesn't go your way. People get worried that everything will change and of course for the worse. I get tired of it. I get tired of the name calling on the TV ads. I am tired of "Us vs. Them". It doesn't work. We learned that in kindergarten but forgot it somewhere along the way. So this is my obstacle today. Negativity. But I will overcome it and look toward what I am thankful for today. I hope you are reading this and thinking as well, since no one but Joy is sharing your blessings. ~hint hint~

Today I want to focus on my husband. I met Jack when I was only 18 years old. He did not make the best impression on me, but there was always something....something I couldn't put my finger on. He dressed atrociously, which back then counted a lot...okay, still does, and he stood me up for a "prayer meeting". (We were prayer partners in BSU) After a year of being aware of him and him being aware of me, he made his move. Thank goodness I was smart enough to not let his painter's overalls and torn slippers influence my decision. I said yes, and the rest as they say is history.

We married at 21. Now stop a minute and remember yourself at 21.......really stop and remember....do see any resemblance to who you are today? Not me! Well, yes, of course there are some similarities, but many of the big things have changed in my life. The same is true of Jack. He is VERY different than he was back then. But we have changed together.

I give Jack a lot of credit for us being together today and still so in love. He pushed us to go out on dates, to go away for weekends, to stay connected. When we had children, he was able to see into the future how we needed to stay strong, so he fought for time away from the babies. He was right. I am so grateful that he had that insight.

Jack knew from the beginning that I was sick. But neither he nor I had any idea what lay in store for me. Some men would have left, it would have been too much for them. There were years where I had many more sick days than good days. But he hung in there. He was always there for me. He learned how to be my advocate and get me what I needed before I could even articulate it myself. In those times, I can relax and know that it is all okay in his hands. That is a blessing. To not have to worry about the kids, what is going on at home or keep up with the meds and what drs. are saying, but to just rest and heal. Then he stepped up again and took the entire burden of earning for our family on himself. He saw that I needed to quit working and made it possible.

Jack has always seen the best in me. He sees things in me that I don't always see, and he tells me. Miraculously, I often live up to just that. I am a better person being with him.

He makes me laugh. His humor has gotten us through many, many, many dark days. He is witty and even though I don't always get his jokes, I so appreciate the effort.

He has embraced all my quirkiness and learned to love, or at least tolerate, my weirdness. He just goes along with me at night when I make up the bed to then turn down the covers to crawl in. He just lets me crawl up on his lap and holds me when the world just seems like to much. He enjoys my silliness, and praises my attempts at crafts. He knows I need order and plans. He tries to accommodate but also helps me see that plans and order aren't the most important things in life.

He has been the best partner in parenting. He has helped to soften my edginess and my strictness. He values me and my intuition with the kids. He makes a conscious effort to be a part of both kid's lives. And again, his humor in parenting has saved us many times.

I love Jack. He is my best friend. He is the one I want to tell all my secrets, my sorrows and all my joys. His hand is the one I want to hold when I am scared, sad, or joyful. His face is the one I look for in crowds. He is the one that makes my heart go pitter patter even after 25 years.

Before everyone is throwing up, I realize that many of you aren't at the same place as I am in your marriage. I would like to make a couple of points which lead to the main thing I am thankful for in Jack McKinney.

One, it has not always been like it is now. We have had some really rough patches. Being chronically ill causes a strain on even the best marriages. Having children and being a minister causes ENORMOUS strains on our marriage. All the changes we have grown through have caused some difficult discussions and difficult times in our marriage.

Two, Jack is not perfect. I am not perfect. But we are both committed to make this marriage work. So, we have done some very hard work in our marriage. It has not been all hearts and happy. It is hard work, and we have done our share.

But here is the most important thing about Jack McKinney, he has never given up on me or us. I am so thankful that 26 years ago, he was brave enough to ask me out and I was smart enough to say yes.

I love you, Jack and am so very thankful for everything.

What are you thankful for today? Will you be brave enough to share?

A Month of Thanks Day 2

2010-11-02T08:43:00.000-07:00

I have been truly blessed with many friends over my lifetime thus far. I wish I could name each and every one and list the many ways in which they have blessed my life. In doing so, I would invariably leave off someone and I just couldn't do that. So I am going to speak in generalizations.

I have friends with whom I have recently reconnected with from way back in my past, all the way back to middle school days! I have so enjoyed catching up and seeing what they are up to these days and where their lives have taken them. They have brought me a sense of "home" with all the memories they bring. I am thankful for that look in the mirror to see just how far I have come. Plus the whole feeling like a young girl again...kind of nice!

I have friends who I can count on to tell me the truth. They will listen to me and console me and when they think I am ready to listen, whether I think I am or not, they will tell me the truth. How I cherish those friends. It takes a lot of guts to do that with a friend. I am so glad they feel safe enough with me to take that chance. Often in my life, a friend has stepped forward to speak the truth and has helped me from taking fatal steps in the wrong direction. I am grateful.

I have friends who make me laugh. I don't mean chuckle. I mean squeeze your legs together or you will pee laughter. The laugh that comes from deep in your belly and soul and cleanses. I meet with three of these women once a month. But there are others as well. Thank you for helping keep my sense of humor when I have lost sight of it myself.

I have friends who have loved me through some pretty unloveable times. I have had moments in my life where I was not the friend I should have been, have been too consumed with my own drama to see yours, yet you stayed by my side. You waited, silently, with words of love every once in a while to remind me you were still here. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You know who you are.

I have friends that I don't see regularly. In fact, rarely at all. Yet there is a sister-soul bond that unites us. When we do see each other or talk on the phone it is as if no time has passed. You know me better than I know myself at times. You love me for who I am not what I do. I know that each of you is on the other end of the phone, and all I have to do is pick it up and you will be there. That is such a safe feeling. How blessed I am.

I have friends who push me. They see my potential when I don't and they push me to step out of my comfort zone. When I fall, they are there, and when I succeed, they are cheering the loudest. I so appreciate you.

I have friends who are just a safe place to go. In their hugs I feel the worries of the world melt away, much like when I am in my mom's arms. I know I am safe to say whatever I need to. I know I can cuss, cry, yell or whatever and you will not look down on me, judge me, or be offended by me. You will just love me.

I am truly a blessed woman today. Thinking about all of you has made me lonesome for each one of you. I wish I could fly you all here and spend a week with each one of you. But alas, I cannot. So feel my warm hug, hear my loud cackle, and know in your soul, I love you.

Now it is your turn. Tell me about a friend who has blessed your life. I just love stories!!

November - A Month of Thanks

2010-11-01T07:28:00.000-07:00

I did many things right in raising my children. But I do have regrets. One of those regrets is not putting more emphasis on Thanksgiving. I wish I had spent some time adopting traditions around this holiday like I did Christmas. It is probably too late with my kids, but not too late for me and Jack. I will be sharing what new traditions we come up with this month.

I would like to post this month about things/people/places that I am grateful for. I would like to spend some time really expressing that thanks. For really, I am truly blessed and have many, many things to be grateful for. So we will start today.

On Mondays it always strikes me how lucky I am. See, Mondays are my "Home Day" I clean the kitchen well, sometimes even mop~gasp~, vacuum, dust, change sheets, do laundry, clean bathrooms and any other cleaning chores I have. By having all day Monday to do this, I can spend my weekend with my family, and I am not mad at them for not helping me. They are busy on Mondays, and not around. I get annoyed when I am busy and people are laying around. This way, I am happy. I am getting my house organized and clean which really brings me joy!

This blessing came at great cost to me. I love having time to do what I need to do. But the flip side of that is that I can no longer do what I love, what I was born to do, what I am quite gifted at doing - teaching. Isn't that often the case with blessings? They often come at a price. I guess, we eventually see the blessing in that cost. I am finally there. It has taken me many years to get here. But, now? Wow! I am so thankful. I hear how stressed all my friends are, how tired they all are, how they long for more "me" time, and it makes me thankful, no matter how it came to be.

So now I have my weekdays to do as I wish. I fill them or not. Sometimes I sit and catch up on DVR'd shows, read or knit. Sometimes I fill them with volunteering, errands, lunches with friends, appointments. Sometimes I spend them resting. It is such a luxury to allow my gut and joints to dictate what and how much I do. I am a lucky girl!

Now, I want this to be interactive. You can comment here on the blog, or on facebook, your choice. Do you have a blessing which cost you? Would you share it?

Go now and be thankful. Look for things to be thankful for, you never know what I might ask you to share tomorrow!

In An Instant

2010-10-04T13:11:00.000-07:00

A moment in time, and your world can change. Have you seen the Sprint commercial where because something has downloaded so quickly on her phone a woman is able to bend down faster, and therefore bumps into someone and she ends up a prima ballerina, while the same person with a slower phone ends up a ballet teacher of small children? A moment, and your world can change.

We've all felt it. Sometimes it is like we are watching it unfold in slow motion. A month ago I didn't use the "holder dilly" on the mandolin, and used my hand to hold the potato, and well, sliced a chunk out of my finger. I watched that unfold in slow motion, but couldn't stop it from occurring because the path was already set in motion. Sometimes your life changes, and you didn't even see it coming. You simply picked up the phone and boom! Life is no longer as it was before.

We can't go back. We don't have a remote control to push the rewind button. While cutting that potato, I couldn't push pause when my consciousness realized what was about to occur. So we have to live with the consequences of that moment. Me? I had to get a bandaid. Sometimes though the consequences are greater than a simple bandaid can alleviate. It is in those moments when growth happens.

When you find yourself in that situation, your life has drastically changed, you may feel lost. You may even be angry. How could one moment change so much? How could one seemingly small decision change my life so drastically? There is grief. You have lost the life you thought you were leading. There is sorrow.

After the grief, the shock, and the pain is over, you find you still have life. How do we live after the change? Do we learn something and become better people? Do we adapt and in adapting become more? Or do we let it become a crutch? Do we then just make bad decisions because life has already changed so why the hell not?

One moment, and your life can change. So what are you gonna do?

My son's 18th birthday

2010-09-29T08:30:00.000-07:00

Today my son turns 18. He is at college, and I am at home. This is the first birthday which I have not been with him. This is our first apart. We drove down last weekend to watch him play ball and to take him to lunch. But it was weird. It was different. We all felt it. He got a little choked up and I got, well, I cried.

I never gave much thought to that mother bird. I have always marveled at the baby birds and how they fly away from the nest and all the cool adventures they will have in life, but never gave a seconds notice to that mother. What must go through her mind? Well, after the relief of getting them fed, and all out of the nest, then what? Basically, she starts the next chapter of her life. Which for that bird is more eggs. Well, I am glad we differ there. I am not at all interested in starting another family, even if it was possible!

I am beginning a new chapter in my life. I am trying new things, planning new adventures, and trying to stay busy. I am excited about the possibilities that lay ahead.

Today...today it is not so easy. It is rainy and cool outside. It is the kind of day that both my boy and I hate. We really like the sun. Not the heat, but the sun. So, it is the kind of day we would snuggle up and watch a movie. Of course, as he got older, that would be him snuggled upstairs or over on the couch and me in my chair. Long gone are the days when he snuggled next to me. :-) We might still share a movie, but likely not. Still, we both knew there was someone else in the house that was battling the weather blues with them.

I miss my boy so terribly. Yet at the same time I am so very proud of him. I know it was time. I know he will succeed. I am living in the time of Happy/Sads as a friend recently told me. Happy that he is gone and doing well and sad that he is not still here with me. A time of change.

So today I will remember. Remember his birth story, his funny toddler stories, his school days, his baseball stories, his successes as well as his defeats. Then I will send forth into the universe my hopes for his future. Hopes of peace, love and tranquility. I will also probably be sure and hug the girl that is still here.

So, if your kids are still home, go hug them. If they aren't, well you know where I am.

Peace.

Day Two of the Chicken Experiment

2010-09-21T16:58:00.000-07:00

Tonight we had Chicken Tortilla Soup! This is by far one of my favorite soups! I usually cut up one or two raw chicken breast and saute it in the pan, but tonight, I used my handy dandy chicken from the one I cooked on Sunday. The chicken fell apart in the soup instead of being in chunks, but I like it. PLUS, it is very low in calories!!! One cup = One bowl = 60 calories!!!! Of course, we add some cheese and fritos, but not many! What is your favorite soup recipe?

Chicken Tortilla Soup

7 oz. chicken cut up
1 qt. canned tomatoes
1qt. chicken broth
1 can chopped green chilies
1 small onion, chopped
2 cloves of garlic
1 t. chili powder
1 t. cumin

Saute the onions and garlic, add the spices, then the chilies, let them blend together a bit, then add the tomatoes, chicken broth and the chicken. Let simmer for a bit and eat!!

One chicken, how many meals? Day One

2010-09-20T16:49:00.000-07:00

Well, yesterday I poached a $4 organic whole chicken. I scavenged all the meat and put it in a baggie for the week. Tonight was Chicken Enchiladas Salsa Verde. Wow! It was really good!!! I liked that you could make the salsa verde early in the day and then just assemble at dinner time. I also really liked the salad on top. The bad part is that it was 450 calories!! Got to figure out how to lower that!

So stay tune to see how the chicken gets used tomorrow night. Oh yea, I am feeding 3 people, btw! What is your favorite way to use shredded chicken? Is it low calorie?

Thoughts on my god

2010-09-05T06:38:00.000-07:00

Sitting outdoors in the cool temps with my hot coffee. I love this. The only thing that could make it better is all of you, my friends, here with me. I have decided that this is the place for me to worship at this time in my life. The world seems so crystal clear to me right now. The blues in the sky are brighter than I remember and the green on the plants and trees, is so vibrant with life. I feel the pulse of nature through my veins. It is here I see god. She is present in so much out here. I feel her presence in the cool breeze that wafts my hair. In the warmth of the sun I feel her love. This is what I know. This is god. This is all that I know about god right now. And this is enough.

I am not one to talk a lot about god. Don't know if you noticed or not. I don't claim to have many answers, just a lot of questions. So I try to focus only on what I know. The facts that have been made known to me. For instance, I know that I will make it through the bad times in my life. I know I will feel alone, but will not be. I can not say that god only gives us as much as we can handle. I can't say that because there have been many times in my life I have felt pretty overwhelmed. But I do know that during those moments, if I took a breath and looked around me, I saw god. Maybe in my baby's smile, or a friends' hug, or a nurses' soft touch, but god was there. I don't know about all things work together for good. There have been plenty of not so good things in my life. They didn't all work out to be good. Or should I say, I haven't let them all work out for good. I think we make choices. I think that is god's gift to us. We have free-will. So sometimes I do choose to see the good in events, but sometimes, all I see is the bad. Sometimes I choose to look back and see how it all came together, other times I see only how it didn't. But I know that god was there.

Today, god, I give you thanks that even though my body fails me, I have been given a gift. The gift of time. I have time to sit out here and feel the warmth of your smile, the soft caress of your breath, your creativity through creation. My life is slow, just how I like it. I am not rushed and hurried, I have time to take a breath. Time to look around me. Time to let a harried mother go in front of me at the grocery line. Time to watch football with my husband. Thank you. I choose today to look at my "not working" as a gift. Thank you.

Do you see god today? Do you take the time that is around you? Even if it is only a minute? Do you look for god? I hope so.

May god's smile find you today, may her caress bring you comfort and may her creativity inspire you. Amen.

Grief

2010-08-19T17:54:00.000-07:00

I don't like being sad. I don't like feeling down. I don't like feeling like I want to cry all the time. I don't like being depressed. I don't like grieving.

Grief is unpredictable. And that my friends, does not work well with me. Anyone who knows me, knows I like order and predictability. Not that my house is clean, or my life in complete order, but I enjoy living with the illusion that my life is pretty ordered. I detest the unknown. So I prepare. I play the "What-If" game lots. I like to think through every scenario possible and then I feel like I am prepared. I know, you are laughing. And well, no, it doesn't work most of the time, okay, hardly ever. Then I have wasted lots of time and energy on nothing. But it is what it is. Grief, comes in and tears that veneer all down. I can be going along feeling pretty good about myself and my life, and thinking how good I am doing about my sadness over _____(fill in the blank). And then BAM!!!! Out of nowhere Grief tears through my order and brings the chaos of sadness and depression. And sometimes the grief is over something I thought I had gotten over.

I had a conversation last night after dinner with Jack. We were talking about grief and how each of us was handling it and I asked him if it was possible that my grief was over for Stephen. The last two days I had felt pretty good and had a really good attitude, so I was thinking that maybe I actually have gotten through this better than I expected. Then Jack, ever the voice of Truth in my life said, "Grief is like the waves of the ocean. You stand with your back against the tide and sometimes the waves crash over your head and send you flying off your feet. And gradually for some, the waves get tamer and you don't get knocked flat by them as often. And for some, the waves just keep crashing."

Today I had an innocuous facebook exchange with an old high school friend. We were bantering about something inane and I used the word "ass". She came back with, "Wow, and you being a preacher's wife." I quickly wrote back, "Not anymore!" And just like that a wave came and crashed over my head. Just like that.

Me, grieving the loss of being a preacher's wife? Really? Seriously? Yes. That was the only life I knew. I am out here with no map. No built-in safe guards. I don't even know how to define myself anymore. This ties into Stephen leaving and realizing that in the very near future, I won't have the definition, "Stephen's Mom" or "Allie's Mom". In the sense that I won't be meeting people in that arena. I will be meeting people simply as KaKi. Who is she? She is no longer a teacher. She is no longer a preacher's wife. Who is she?

I am in the midst of lots of change right now. Change which brings chaos, grief, and adventure. I know there are positives, but right now, in my grief, I mourn my losses. The grief of not being a teacher anymore, still crashes over my head at times. The grief of not being a preacher's wife and the financial security (ha) that brought, still crashes over my head. The grief of not having Stephen in our home anymore, is and will crash over my head. How long? Well, it has been almost five years since I stopped teaching, although that wave is getting more and more tolerable.

So I am grieving, gasping for breath as the wave recedes. And I am left looking at the coastline. I see options there that I have never been able to look at before. There are adventures waiting for me. It looks scary, but then I notice something to my right. I glance over and Jack is standing beside me, reaching his hand out to walk out together. That is my constant, my North Star. I know that whatever the future holds, he will be there waiting for me to come up from the water.

What is marriage?

2010-08-18T07:00:00.000-07:00

Marriage is many things. What you normally hear about is the love, the romance, the companionship, and the intimacy. All of which are true. Most of the time. Well some of the time. Well hopefully more times than not. What you don't hear much about are the times when it is not. What about when the romance and intimacy are missing? What about the times you feel lonely and unloved? Is that marriage?

My definition of marriage has grown and changed over time. When I was young the above definition was mine. Then I got married. We got jobs, he went to school, we tried unsuccessfully for many years to get pregnant, then had two kids, I became chronically ill, and well, life happened. There were many times where there was no intimacy, try getting romantic after putting a screaming toddler to bed. Most nights we just wanted to be alone and sleep or watch TV. The last thing we wanted was someone else "needing" something from us. There were times when we both felt we were in this alone.

So why are we still married and even happily married? Well, because through all that misery, I still chose him and he still chose me. We didn't want to be going through all that with anyone else. See, marriage is choice. You feel attracted to someone, they feel attracted to you. You fall in love. And you choose to spend the rest of your life together. Your life. That means the mountaintops and the valleys. That means when one is hanging over the toilet spilling their guts. That means when one of you is being a complete asshole. That means when one of you is totally depressed and can't get out of bed. That means all of it. You choose to be with that person. Now it doesn't always work. The other person has to choose you back and you can't make them choose you. They may choose the easy way out and leave. Because believe you me, staying and choosing during those times is hard work. You have to listen, you have to compromise, you have to fight for what you believe, you have to tell what you need. You have to communicate. You choose to do the work, because you choose to be with that person for life. And oh the joy when it works. Man! The comfort of knowing you have someone in your corner for life will let you jump off cliffs you never imagined. The thrill of being wanted will help you conquer the world.

"You reap what you sow." How true. Sowing is hard work. You do it in cold, brutal weather. You sow in hot, scorching weather and sometimes in beautiful weather. But oh the joy when the crop comes in! Of course, then you have to sow again, reap, sow, reap. Marriage is like that. You work hard and reap the benefits, then a new stage of life hits, you work hard and reap those benefits. And pretty soon you have reaped a whole heap of benefits!

If you aren't married, then you might not have enjoyed this article. But, you might be counting your lucky stars you don't have to work that hard! If you are married, go choose them. Let them hear you say it. Go do the work, for the benefits will come!

Watching Him Fly

2010-08-16T15:20:00.000-07:00

Standing in the parking lot outside the
apartment building, knowing what is coming, my heart lurches. We are awkwardly standing around because none of us really wants to begin. A friend said to visualize the goodbye, wished I had done that. Wished I could have written my script, maybe even taped it since I don't think words can get by the HUGE lump in my throat. But the letter I left on his bed will have to do. Finally, Jack starts the process. He hugs Stephen and then I go deaf. I know I am next and the rushing in my ears is drowning out what others are saying. Finally he comes toward me. I look in his eyes and I see the fear, I grab him and feel the grief radiating off him. No matter the good intentions, the tears come. Silently they fall as I hold my first-born son. I tell him I love him and that he will do great. He gruffly tells me he loves me then grabs his sister and they tease. We get in the car, and I watch him walk away. The dam breaks and the grief is uncontrollable. I had no idea the strength of the sorrow. I couldn't breathe as the sobs wracked through my body. Every cell in my body wanted to jump out of the car and go back. It wasn't time was the refrain going through my head. I only had him 17 years!! I was supposed to keep him for 18! Maryland stole one year from me! I want it back. I shouted these and other phrases inside my head, didn't want to totally scare the other child, as we drove away. We drove in silence with the occasional hiccup coming from me, for miles before my breathing began to slow down.

If I had known the depth of the grief I feel today back when trying to get pregnant, would I have tried so hard? If I had known the anguish of raising a teen, would I have tried so long? Yes. Yes. Yes. I would not have missed one day of this beautiful boy's life. He showed me compassion for others when he was two and waited patiently every morning for his friend Sydney, who had separation anxiety, to arrive so he could read to her so she wouldn't cry. He showed me how to have fun by making games out of everything we did. He taught me joy by running to hug me everyday when I came home. He taught me perseverance by working hard for his dream of playing college baseball. Yes, I wouldn't have missed a moment of those precious seventeen years.

Now it is time to look ahead. What new adventures await him? What new ideas will he discover? What new lessons will he learn? I don't know, but I know he will bring his big heart, huge smile and loads of determination to everything and everyone in his way.

Fly my baby bird, Fly!

Saturday

2010-08-15T04:42:00.000-07:00

I stand in his room folding shirts and pants to put in his suitcase. We separate things to take to college and things to keep at home and things to go to Goodwill. I take a break and sit down to sip some tea, and my eyes gravitate to the frames on the wall. His first professional photo at 6 months. What a gorgeous, happy baby. My friend, Leslie, went with me to help me with the ordeal. For some reason, I didn't think I could do it all by myself. Right before they called his name, he banged his rattle on his head and a red mark immediately popped up. Below the photo is his birth announcement. We wanted to be creative, original with the announcement while spending very little money. So our friend helped us print them on the computer. We loved movies, so we used a "Movie" theme. I remember calling our friend and weeping while telling him the birth length and weight. I was suffering post-partem depression.

I glance over to my son, who now towers over me, but who still has those beautiful soulful eyes. My throat constricts with love. My mind races with questions like, "Have I taught him everything?" "Have I really done the best I can do?" "Will he be safe?" "Will he make good choices?" "Will he miss me?" "Will he be happy?" "Is this forever?" He looks at me and knows instinctively what is going on inside my brain, so he makes a joke and we continue working.

The pile of stuff grows to pack into the van and the time keeps ticking. Tonight we take him to eat, a special dinner. Allie and I are thinking, "Olive Garden" or "Cheesecake Factory", but no, my boy chooses "Torrero's". It is a simple Mexican food restaurant he loves. It is like him, simple, no drama. We will celebrate all he has meant to us and all he has accomplished. We will laugh and I will secretly grieve. Well, hopefully, secretly!

Then tomorrow, we will take our first-born and deposit him out of the nest into the rest of his life. He will begin living a life that I will not really know much about.

So every time he passes me, I hug him. Every time we talk, I tell him how much I love him. Every time I think of him, I cry.

I have done good. I have raised a sweet, smart, caring, sensitive young man. Someone I enjoy talking to, and being around. And now it is time for others to encounter him and for him to explore this great big world on his own. So, I let go. I look forward to seeing where his adventure takes him. I will laugh and applaud when the highs come, and love him when the lows come.

Mother Daughter Camping

2010-08-09T07:10:00.000-07:00

Three years ago one of the mothers of my daughter's friends, proposed a camping trip. It would be her daughter's birthday party. The other 2 mothers were enthusiastic about camping and had camped quite a bit. So all three assured me they would take care of me, and I would have a blast. I insisted on having an aerobed, which one mom provided. My daughter and I had had a pretty rough year in our relationship, so I was unsure how much she would want me along. She insisted that she wanted to come, so I went.

It was a bit rough. But overall not bad. I didn't sleep at all the first night, Nature is LOUD!!! But after that I took drugs and slept like a baby! The weather was great, the scenery beautiful! The best part for me was watching my daughter interact with these 4 other girls whom she had grown up with but had just become close to two years before. I got a glimpse of my daughter's life that I often did not get to see. She was more loving that weekend than ever before. I cherish those memories.

The next year we went again! We go to the same place, the Toe River in the mountains of North Carolina. This time we went earlier in the week and spent a few days in Asheville. This was nice for those of us who preferred hotel camping and shopping. Then we trekked out to the wilderness for the nature camping part. Again it was a fantastic trip! It is a lot of work to camp, but worth it to be a part of the girls' discussions. I loved listening to them talk about their dreams and plans for their lives. I enjoyed watching the interactions between daughters and mothers. My daughter and I bond each year on this trip over how much we hate "roughing it"!!! Last year we rented tubes and the girls went tubing and then the moms. It was a blast.

So this year, we made the trek again. But this year held a new experience. RAIN!!! Luckily it only lasted a few hours on the first day and the tents stayed dry! I was scared for a bit during the storm, it is quite loud when you are in a tent! But the rest of the trip went without a hitch. This year it was fun to see how the girls had grown and changed. It was interesting to see how the relationships between mothers and daughters was different. And it was nice to see how strong my relationship with my daughter is now.

Anniversaries, birthdays, New Year's, these are all events that make us pause and take a look at where we have been, where we are, and where we are going. This mother/daughter camping trip has become one of these events for me. I spend time thinking about my relationship with my daughter. Marveling at how wonderful she is, how much she has grown, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. I get to eavesdrop on the conversations she has with her friends. I am amazed at their wit, their humor, their maturity. I always come away in awe of these five beautiful young women. I also like to dream a little about where they will be in five years, ten years, fifteen years. The girls like to make predictions. One year everyone agreed who would be the first to be kissed, have a boyfriend, get married and have kids. Well, we were all wrong! The first to have a boyfriend was not who we thought, in fact, we all thought (including her) that she would be the last!!!

What markers do you have in your life that make you stop and reflect and dream? Maybe you need to find a new one. Just check the weather forecast if your new marker includes being in a tent outdoors!!!

"I'll Never Marry a Minister"

2010-07-08T15:52:00.000-07:00

I grew up knowing exactly whom I did not want to marry. Well, okay, maybe not exactly whom, but I knew I didn't want to marry anyone who wanted to be a minister, of any kind. I was very adamant about this all through my childhood and teens.

I saw very clearly the toll being a minister's family took on the wife and kids. I mean, every time you meet someone new and tell them what your husband/dad does, they inevitably say, "Oh wow, that is a tough life." So who in their right mind signs up for that? Because they are right.

My dad pastored several churches but was at one church long enough for me to feel like it was home. We moved there when I was in third grade and left after I graduated high school. I need to first say that my dad has a thick skin, and very little of this really bothered him. I mean, sure some of it did, but he is an incredibly forgiving man. As a child, I had a hard time understanding why people were being mean to my dad. I overheard friends' parents talk bad about my dad when they thought we couldn't hear. (we were in the back of the pickup sitting underneath the OPEN little window????) My Sunday school teacher made a point of telling me how much she loved me, just not my dad so much. All of this was incredibly confusing to me. On top of that, my dad was never home. He was the kind of minister that his flock came first. So the phone would ring, off he would go. We had a vacation planned? Too bad. Special dinner? Sorry. And I mean who were we to get in the way of God? Someone's child is dying and I want my dad home for dinner? Someone's husband just left them and I want to go on vacation?

What sealed the deal for me though was when I was in Jr. high. I slipped into the sanctuary, not supposed to be there, and saw my daddy in front on the platform with a microphone in front of him and a giant screen beside him. Up on the screen was a list of all the problems the church had with my dad. That list was LONG! The head deacon, a friend of ours I thought, was reading them off and asking my daddy to answer to each one. I was floored. Only one of the items still stands out in my memory. My daddy wore a white suit to a funeral. Why? Because the father/husband who had just lost his entire family in a plane crash bought my daddy that suit and asked him to have a praise service because just that year they had all been saved. The only other memory is seeing the back of my mom, sitting tall, but her shoulders shaking just so slightly. I knew this was killing her.

That was the final straw for me. As I look back that was also the beginning of my questioning God and the church. (but that is another post all together) I made a firm decision that I would not live that life. I just wasn't as good as my mom. I would have been jumping up and telling them all to go to hell. I just wouldn't be able to handle the pain.

When it came time to go to college, I went to the same small Baptist (Southern) college my parents attended and my older brother. Now, my dad and my brother were both ministers....you would have thought I would have caught that, but NO! I just wanted to go to college in a different state than my parents lived. But alas, my dad decided to move the summer before college to a church only 45 minutes away from my school!

My first roommate and I had so much in common. We became very close in just a few short weeks. But there was one huge difference, she was there with the intent to find a husband who was going to be a minister. I was floored! I tried to warn her. I told her all the bad stories, but she was just as adamant as I. In the end she married the son of a minister. I wonder if she now realizes what she was saved from. (maybe she'll read and comment....hint hint)

I was extremely open about my not wanting to marry a minister. In fact, I would not date anyone who wanted to be a minister, which I must say limited my options!!! Then along came Jack. He was not intimidated by my strong proclamations. And for some reason, the wall dropped and well, you know the rest.

Now, though, Jack is not a minister or studying to be a minister. He is a pastoral counselor. We do not go to church on Sunday and Wednesday. He is home every night. Saturday he is actually present with us and not writing a sermon in his head, or mulling over some other issue related to church. I have to say, I had no idea really what we were missing until now.

So, am I glad I married a minister? The jury is still out on that, but I know one thing. I am glad I married Jack McKinney.

The life of the chronically ill

2010-06-28T08:06:00.000-07:00

I am often asked how I can be cheerful and pleasant with chronic illness. I usually answer that it is my life, and what choice do I have? I don't want to be gloomy and bitchy everyday of my life. This answer is of course much easier to give when I am in remission and not in pain. But after yet another diagnosis, the answer is much more difficult.

At this point in my life, I have been ill longer than not. My symptoms started when I was 19 years old. I did not receive my first diagnosis, Crohn's, until I was 28, but was in and out of hospitals during those nine years. I didn't experience remission until I was 36 years old. Those eight years were filled with steroids, weight gain, weight loss, hospitalizations, medications, doctors, and lots of pain. When I was 32 I received yet another diagnosis, Meineire's. This proved to be very debilitating. But it came and went, except in 2001 when it came and stayed and stayed.... Then when I was 40 I received another diagnosis. This one scared me more than the other two. It was Ankylosing Spondilytis. This is a debilitating arthritis of the spine and other joints. The prognosis is not something I wanted to think about in my 40's.

All of my diagnoses have a common thread, they are all auto-immune diseases. It seems my body likes to attack itself. hmmmm...... My doctors are always quite stymied by my body and its reactions to drugs, treatments and well, itself. And once more my body has decided to throw another curve ball.

About two years ago, my right shoulder started hurting. I went to the dr. got some prednisone, and realized I could no longer take prednisone when I ended up locking myself in the bathroom caling Jack because all I could think about was killing myself. By the time I got to the orthopaedist, I could no longer move my shoulder at all. I had Adhesive Capsulitis, or Frozen Shoulder. After an Embreazement (VERY PAINFUL SHOT), which failed (another astonishing fact, my doc has never had this fail) and finally surgery, and one and a half years of physical therapy, I was better. Now one year later, the left shoulder has frozen. My doctor says this rarely happens, but it does on occasion, so of course, my body has to do it!!! The pain is too fresh! I still remember the embreazement and the pain during, the relief after, and the pain after the deadening wears off. I remember the painful physical therapy, the tears, the screaming, the depression. I remember the surgery and the pain. I remember the physical therapy, the pain, the tears, the depression. I remember. I don't want to go through this all again. I DON'T WANT TO!!!! But what to do?

So, I gripe today, I will cry many tears, and I will fight depression. Then I will make a choice, I will, most days, choose to smile and carry on. But some days..........don't ask me.

Grandmother Allie

2010-06-23T04:25:00.001-07:00

Sitting outside listening to the birds drinking my coffee. I’ve just finished watering my garden which always takes me to memories of my Grandmother Allie. She loved her garden. She knew the names of all plants, trees and flowers. She had a magical backyard for a child. There was a large Mimosa tree which provided endless play. From the large branches low enough to the ground to climb and climb “high”, to the pods the tree produced to make “beans” with, to the flowery blossoms to pick for “flowers”. There were vegetables, roses, flowers and lots of herbs growing in her backyard. Because she lived in Texas, it also meant complete dedication to watering. I’m not sure why, but I always hated having to help her water. Yet, it was the one time of the day you had her complete attention. I would sit on her back stoop and we would talk. She would tell me about the plants she was watering or stories. With my Grandmother Allie, I felt completely and absolutely loved.

Living near the border of Oklahoma, my grandmother grew up with tornadoes. Once a tornado came as a child and it scarred my grandmother for life. She was terrified of storms. In her little community (one stoplight on the highway) there were several underground cellars. Some homes had their own and there were others that were shared. Every time the clouds became dark and the winds picked up, off we would go to the cellar. We were usually the only ones there, as we were really in no threat of a tornado, but try telling that to a terrified 70 year old grandmother. We would sit among the jars of jelly, pickles, tomatoes, and other canned goods. Even though my grandmother was scared, I was never afraid with her in that cellar. I had such complete faith in her love and ability to take care of me.

I wish she were here today to see my garden. She would love it. Even though I didn’t do the work, she would still praise me. Regretfully I didn’t inherit her green thumb, but that doesn’t stop me from trying each year. This year, my tomato plants are actually producing tomatoes. I am so proud. Luckily, I have a great friend who is patient with me and helps me have a beautiful garden.

I miss my grandmother. I wish she could be sitting with me right now. We would listen to the birds and she would try to identify them. She would be so delighted that one of my plants (I have NO idea the name) is about to bloom. She would marvel at the cool temperature. She would tell me the stories of how she started my coffee addiction at age 3. She would praise my crocheting attempts and be awed at my knitting. She would be humbled that I named my daughter Allie after her. She would praise my parenting skills and tell me how wonderful my children are. She would love me unconditionally.

I miss you and raise my mug to you.

The Letter pt. 2

2010-05-27T06:22:00.000-07:00

Before The Letter came, my relationship with Billy Ray Anderson taught me many things. And after The Letter, I found out if I had really learned those lessons or not.

The first lesson I learned was about good and evil. I have struggled with this concept for as long as I can remember. I was raised believing that we were born into sin and needed to be saved to become good. After being saved, you had a one-way ticket to heaven no matter what. This reasoning seemed to support that after you are saved, you do good. You are filled with good. But this is not the truth that I observed at my dad's church. That church was filled with saved, good people. Yet they treated my dad horribly. They were hurtful not only to him, but to me and my mom. So from my perspective, I saw good and evil residing in these people. Then I became a mom and realized this tiny little being was way more holy than any adult I had ever known. As I watched him grow I saw the struggle between good and evil begin. Talking with Billy Ray I realized this man was a good man. He had been someone's little boy. He was sweet, he was a hard-worker and he loved his grandma. But in a fit of rage, the evil in him took over. After many talks with my hubby and a lunch with my good friend, Steve Smith, I came to peace about good and evil. I believe it resides in each of us. I believe you need to nourish the good for it to be dominant in your life. But we cannot judge others by their actions because that action lies within us all.

The second lesson I learned is about poverty. This lesson really started when I began teaching in inner-city schools. I saw these sweet, loving children living in an environment where violence is commonplace. In dealing with their parents, I realized that when you are living in survival mode you don't have time to care about education, good vs. evil, or quality of life. So many have given up and given into drink and drugs just to escape their realities. I'll never forget this one mom. She had 5 kids and I had one of the twins. I went to make a home visit and found her naked on the couch high as a kite. I judged her that day. But now I am sorry I did. I don't know what I would do in her place, watching day after day your children starving, having no new clothes, constantly having to ask for charity, having no idea how to change your life because this is exactly how it was when you were growing up. I am sorry Ms. Snell. I am sorry. Billy Ray is responsible for showing me this. He talked about what it was like to go hungry and the anger that builds up when he would see other children throwing food away. He talked about seeing other kids in new clothes and him in clothes from Goodwill or the dumpster. He helped me to see how these things feed the evil in us. There is little room for light. But then he talked about a school teacher who saw him. She worked with him one on one and taught him to read and write. His eyes would light up when he spoke about her, she was nourishing the good in Billy Ray. We must do more. We need more community centers where children can go and be nourished physically, mentally, and spiritually. I don't mean "save" them, I mean let them experience music, art, and nature. We need to provide a safe place to escape the danger of their environments. I have read about many new programs, but we need more.

The third lesson I learned was about me. I learned about forgiveness. I have been the recipient of forgiveness many times in my life and I have been the giver as well. I grew up thinking there were some actions that were basically unforgivable for me. As I have lived life, this belief has been challenged over and over. Twelve years ago, I was the recipient of forgiveness. This person showed me such grace, it has made a lasting impression. I am not sure that I have ever forgiven myself or totally accepted this gift. It hasn't been until recently, as in right this very moment that I have gotten it. I can forgive Billy Ray because he is a person, not a monster. In prison it is hard to find places to feed your soul. It is understandable that this dark, shadow side would show itself eventually. I am not sure I did then, but I do now, I forgive you Billy Ray. I know you didn't mean to hurt me. I also forgive myself and accept your gift of forgiveness dear friend. I was confused and not seeking help in light-filled places. I gave into the dark shadows within me. Thank you Billy Ray and Dear Friend for teaching me about giving and receiving forgiveness.

In all experiences of life there are lessons to be learned. Some lessons are learned over and over and over and over. I pray I never quit learning. My hope is that my heart will continue to stretch and open to all that is out there. My heart is always willing, it is my mind that is slower. So, I pray my mind will limber up and continue to accept new thoughts and new sights.

Letting Go of Family Stories

2010-05-25T06:06:00.000-07:00

Family stories. We all have them. We tell them over and over and laugh or sigh. We especially love telling stories on others. The story about how Uncle Charlie fell asleep in church and started snoring, or the time the kids sneaked out of the house without the parents ever knowing. But there are other stories. Family stories that are told that describe a person we are no longer. The bad sheep stories and the shy child stories are the stories that evolved over time to usually help to explain behaviors or help others cope with behaviors in the family that were unexpected or unwanted. These stories can stay in a family for a long time, or they can slowly be replaced by new stories. Sometimes the person who is the subject of the story begins to let the stories define who they are today. They give the story too much power in their lives. It is usually in the growing up process, that we begin to let go of those stories which no longer describe who we really are or who we have become.

My family is currently in a transition phase of story-telling. My kids are now old enough to tell the stories, or ask for stories to be told. Well, truthfully, they are in the eye-rolling stage of "not that story again, mom". Although secretly, I know they love hearing the stories. This is not the only change. My husband is changing his story. He is no longer a pastor, which means my story has changed as well. I am no longer a preacher's wife. He is in a place of figuring out the new story, he is not sure of what it is or will be. This brings anxiety as well as extreme excitement about what will be. I look forward to this story and what it will be about.

But another member of our family is changing his story as well. My son is graduating from high school. He will no longer be living at home and will be encountering new ways to live his life. As he and we, as his parents, begin to contemplate this new story, we can't help but look back over the story to this point. I find myself looking in the scrapbooks and rereading the antidotes alongside the photos. As I do this, I wonder which of these stories will he add onto and which of these will no longer be true. Will he still have a passion for baseball and will he find a way to have baseball be a part of his life? Will he still be the sensitive and kind person he is today? There is one story that has changed and that I as his mother have a hard time letting go. This story plays in my head unbidden. It is the story of his birth and the joy at finally having a child. Plus his first year of life and almost losing him three times. Holding a baby in your arms and watching them struggle to live leaves an indelible mark on your heart. The truth is, he is no longer that baby who is sick. In fact, he is a strong, strapping young man. The picture of health. Yet to this day when we go to the dr., I hold my breath waiting for the bad news. It is time that this story stop defining him and my fears for him. He is about to set out on his own and he is more than capable to care for himself. He doesn't need me hovering over him. He won't end up in the hospital because of a cold.

The funny thing about this story is that it was only true for one year out of the seventeen years he has been alive. Yet the story so changed my life, that I cling to it. I have given the story so much power that I still fear for his life.

It is time to let go. It is time to put that story where it belongs, in the past. It is part of his story and mine. But it does not in anyway define who he is today. So I need to let it go, and trust that he will be okay.

What stories does your family have?

A Letter Changes Everything

2010-05-22T12:30:00.000-07:00

One of the things that always bothered me about church was all the talk about "helping" others, but there was little "doing". Social justice is a big part of my spirituality. My parents imparted this to me by doing not saying. I grew up with different people staying in our house, or people eating Christmas dinner with us, or driving out to the truck stop to pick someone up. We delivered groceries and clothes to people. It was an important part of my growing up. This to me embodies Jesus' message. I feel Jesus was about taking care of those around you. But like I said, at the churches I had been a part of, there was more talking than doing.

That all changed when we moved to Raleigh and Jack started pastoring Pullen. Here I found people in many different areas actively working to make change. There was a boycott going on when we got here against Taco Bell and Mt. Olive Pickles around their treatment of farm workers. (It worked, by the way) There was an environmental group that set up adventures to clean highways and rivers. There were groups around hunger issues. We would go out and glean the sweet potato fields or go to the food bank and help there. There was a group about the Death Penalty. They would hold services on the night of an execution and then march to the prison. They also wrote these guys and visited them in prison.

I didn't jump in. Wisely, Jack recommended to wait a year and get to know people, settle in, get the kids settled, and basically see what our lives were going to look like before I got too involved. So I waited. I kept being drawn to one cause - death row inmates. It seemed like that year there were several executions. Years before I had been deeply moved by "Dead Man Walking" and felt I needed to get involved in some way. Now, if you know me, you know I have a huge fear of being imprisoned falsely. I don't know why or where this came from, but it is VERY real. So my interest in this cause surprised both me and Jack. But when I asked him how I could become involved, he told me about becoming a pen pal. I thought about it for a while and it seemed the perfect solution.

So Jack introduced me to Billy Ray Anderson. Billy Ray had written to Jack asking him for a pen pal, and Jack set me up with him. I was forewarned of the requests for money and of getting too attached, but was not prepared for what would happen.

I realized after his first letter that Billy Ray had a learning disability. As we begin to write back and forth, I realized that Billy Ray was somewhat mentally disabled. When he found out I was a teacher, he began to tell me stories from his childhood and told me his I.Q. His stories broke my heart as I had known many little boys who fit his descriptions. There seemed to be a symmetry to my work with inner-city kids and now befriending Billy Ray. I wanted to make a difference in these kids' lives so they would not end up like Billy Ray.

His letters were usually full of scripture and his musings on Jesus. I told him about some of the students I was tutoring. He gave me advice about them and my own kids. He sent me artwork which he had learned to do in prison. After several months, he asked if I would come to see him. I was terrified. Me, going into a prison? Voluntarily??? Jack agreed to go with me which was allowed because he was a minister. Jack described the process of the gates closing and at one point being in a very tight space with a gate closed in front of you and another closed behind you. There really is a "clank". I made it and met Billy Ray for the first time. He was a huge man about my age. Jack stayed with me until my nerves calmed down. Then he left us alone. We talked some and he asked me to pray. Then he asked me to sing, so I sang. Then it was time to go. I was deeply saddened to leave him there. I knew he had done something bad (didn't know what at this point) but he was more like a child than an adult. Afterwards I asked him about his crime. He had a hard time telling me, but he did. He had murdered his girlfriend because she left him. He described the murder in detail and had confessed when arrested.

All this time the letters kept going back and forth. I wrote one letter a week, he wrote 4 -5 letters. I sent little bits of money to his account for stamps and ice cream. I felt a good friendship with him, much like those I had with my students. Then one day I opened a letter that changed everything.

Billy Ray wrote a sexually explicit letter to me. It was a lengthy letter describing many obscene acts. I was stunned and began crying and shaking at once. I didn't know what to do. I felt defiled and betrayed. We had been writing for over a year at this point.

After much thought and talking with Jack, I opted to end all communications. Billy Ray had sent several letters as I was trying to understand and decide what I needed to do. I threw them all away, unopened. I asked Jack to find a replacement for me and a male therapist had recently asked Jack about a pen pal on death row. This man took my place and is still writing to Billy Ray.

I have experienced a lot of guilt about leaving Billy Ray. He has been left all his life, and this is what precipitated his crime. But at the time, I was unable to cope with the feelings of betrayal and vulnerability his letter evoked. I was scared. I became terrified that he would be released and would come to my home.

About this time a moratorium on executions was put in place as the legislators looked at the issue. I stopped all involvement in the cause. Passing the prison causes me much pain. I have just recently realized the depth of this violation. I pray that naming it, putting words to the pain can help me begin to heal.

Love Thursday

2010-05-20T17:06:00.000-07:00

This Thursday I am loving:

1. Watching my son get what he deserved - MVP for baseball and All-conference! Way to go!!

2. Getting to spend time with my daughter and my "other" daughters, the twins this weekend. I love those girls!!!

3. Fitting into size 12 pants!!!!!

4. Walking with my husband and talking. I love that time together!!

5. Having the work on the outside of my house done! Now for the painting.

6. Having friends support me even if they live miles and miles away. Thank you all!

What are you loving this Thursday?

The Grass is Greener on the Other Side

2010-05-19T13:51:00.000-07:00

I love to spy on other people's lives. I watch "Wife Swap", "Nineteen Children and Counting", and I used to watch "Jon and Kate Plus 8". I know, I know. Believe me, I have heard it all from my hubby! But I am curious. I want to know what other people's lives look like. It started when I was little and reading "Little House on the Prairie" books and "Anne of Green Gables". I was fascinated with how other little girls lived. I really wanted to live back then, it sounded so fun. At some point, this curiosity morphed into a "the grass is greener on the other side" mentality. I began to feel everyone's lives must be so much better than mine.

I became a teacher and this feeling suddenly and drastically changed. I met children who ate only two meals a day, five days a week, the meals served at school. I met children who thought it was just the way it was to get whipped with an extension cord. I met children who were left at school for hours sitting in the cold because their mother picked up an extra shift at the strip joint and forgot to send someone to pick them up. I met children who lived with a mom who was drunk/high/or some combination every minute of every day. My students taught me that just because you may have a tough life, you don't have to hang your head and mope around. They taught me that we all have crosses to bear. They taught me to live my life with joy. But over time, the urge to look over the fence, came back.

My husband began his ministry as a "live-in" pastor about this time. I mean that we began living in the towns where he preached. He pastored several churches with middle income people like us and then upper income people. Through him, I met people who were devastated by depression. Through him, I met people who were grieving the loss of children/spouses. Through him, I met people who were struggling with financial issues. Through him, I met people who were struggling with health issues. The interesting thing I learned was that these issues knew no socio-economic boundaries. Everyone has problems. Everyone has issues. Everyone feels they have too much to handle. I finally learned the grass is not greener on the other side, it is just different.

You may be wondering what was so bad about my life that I was always looking. Well, that is just it, my life wasn't that bad. I grew up in a loving home, albeit it a conservative and patriarchal one. I went to college and met the man of my dreams. I had a career I loved. I did have health issues, but not enough to keep me from having fun and working. We didn't have a lot of money, but we had enough. it had nothing to do with my life, but everything to do with how I viewed life, how I lived life.

I kept looking ahead. When we have kids.......when you work full-time......when I can stay home with the kids......when our kids are gone......when we can retire.......when we go on vacation.....on and on. I never looked at the "now", where I was at that very moment in time. And you know the sad part? I missed things. I missed moments with my children because I was too preoccupied with the future. I had plenty of moments, but I know that I missed some because of my focus.

Learning to be present has and will be one of the hardest things for me to learn. I had to learn to still my mind and my thinking and take in my surroundings. I had to learn to appreciate what was in front of me, and not long for what was not. I had to learn peace. You know what I found along the way? Joy. Happiness. Rest.

I am not saying my life is rosy, you know that is a lie if you have read just a bit of my blog or my statuses on facebook. I have problems. I have LOADS of problems. But I have many, many things to be thankful for. I am living a slow life. I have longed to live like this for years and now I am doing it. I don't have a timecard anymore. I am my own boss. It is wonderful. I am married to my best friend who gets me even when I don't. He has been so patient with me all these years of "looking ahead and over the fence". He has taught me to breathe. I have a son whose smile literally takes my breath away. His eyes shine with kindness and generosity. He is almost a man and he has taught me how to play. I have a daughter whose inner strength brings me to my knees. I am in awe of her spirit and being. She is a young lady and she has taught me how to love.

So why do I still watch these shows if I am not looking over the fence? I think now it is just curiosity. I like seeing how others live their lives. How they run their homes. It is kind of like when I used to go and visit classrooms as a teacher. You never know when you might pick up a tip. But I think I also watch because, sometimes it is nice to remind yourself you really have it pretty good! (I mean, have you see some of those Wife Swaps???? and NINETEEN kids, come on???)

Menu Planning

2010-05-05T12:55:00.000-07:00

Well, it is Wednesday and I am just now getting this done. But better late than never!

Monday - Crispy Rosemary Chicken and Potatoes - finally cooked this. It was okay. I used boneless thighs and cooked it too long.

Tuesday - Hamburgers w/Sweet Potato Fries - these fries are delish!!!! You must try them if you haven't yet!

Wednesday - Roast - will probably make fajitas because we have a game and it is Cinco de Mayo

Thursday - Easy Tilapia with Tomatoes and Wine

Friday - will go out - My son's Senior Night in Baseball. Important memories will be made!!!

Saturday - Spaghetti

What are you having for dinner this week?

Menu Plan April 26 - 30

2010-04-26T06:18:00.000-07:00

Here is what we are having this week:

Monday - Mom's Night out with the girls - leftovers for everyone else

Tuesday - Hamburgers with Sweet Potato Fries

Wedneday - Contessa's Stir Fry Chicken (this is a prepared, I know, I know, frozen dinner that you stir fry yourself)

Thursday - Get your own dinner

Friday - Out to eat - too much going on, everyone in different directions!!

Saturday - Crispy Rosemary Chicken and Fries - this is a repeat from last week, didn't get to it!

This is a crazy week. If we eat any of these dinners I will be surprised!! It seems every night we are all going in different directions. Weird week for us now a days. Now, when Jack was still at Pullen, this was the norm! Ha! But now, we usually are all here for dinner except game days of course! Anyway, we will see how this works! Better to have a plan!

What are you having for dinner this week?

A Teacher's Memories

2010-04-24T13:49:00.000-07:00

I had something unusual happen this week which I didn't mention in Love Thursday. I think because it warranted a post all its own. I was contacted on facebook by a mother of a boy I had in my last class in Maryland. That was the last class I taught full-time. I think of those kids often. It was such a fun class. I had 4th and 5th graders in what they called a combination class. This was the hated assignment, but I asked for it. I loved mixing ages in a classroom. Was it more work? Yes, but the challenge kept me energized everyday. This class in particular had some really great personalities. They all got along well, and adapted well to my unusual methods of teaching. The parents were also great.

This school was located in the suburbs of D.C., in Silver Spring, MD. I did not live in the community and had to drive 30 minutes one way every day. It was a quiet, mixed neighborhood. My first year at this school was quite a culture shock. From not being able to always understand the students' and other teachers' accents, to them not understanding mine. From the level of professionalism of the teachers to the omni presence in the classroom of the principal. From the intensity of the parents to the loneliness that filled me. It was a hard year. On top of all of that, I was sick. I had been in the hospital just one week prior to being interviewed and hired to teach. I was hired later so I started from behind, and of all things was hired to teach math! I hated teaching math, but knew I had to take the job. I knew many people who had been trying to get hired for years, and it only took me 1 interview. Luckily the principal assigned a teacher's aide to me, Meg Flanders. Had she not been there, I would not have made it through that first year, truly. She translated for me and the kids, she graded the mounds and mounds of paper that was generated by the Montgomery county math program, she helped me fit in and make friends with the teachers and aides. She was my lifesaver that year.

The next year I set out on my own and taught a 3rd and 4th grade class. Many of the students I already knew from teaching them math, so the transition was much easier. And then the next year, most of those students stayed with me as I went to 4th and 5th. It was magical. I loved being in that classroom watching those faces light up and waiting to hear what new connection they would make. What a year to end on. Unfortunately, I had to leave before the end of the year. It was one of the hardest things I had ever done. But my husband had a job in North Carolina, and I had a 2nd grader and a 4 yr. old. I didn't have enough money, nor did I want to hire a nanny to finish out the year in Maryland, so I quit.

On my last day, the kids and parents threw me a party. We had all become so close, there were many tears. They had brought different gifts, all of them from the heart and many of which I still have. The last gift was handed to me by my 5th grade boys. They had all chipped in and bought me a diamond necklace. I was touched beyond words. I have a photo a mom snapped, with tears streaming down my face and shock on my features. I had teased the boys that the way to a woman's heart was diamonds, and did they listen. Those boys' faces are all etched on my heart. I will never forget them.

And now, one of them is in touch with me. Well, his mom is. He is getting married and has 2 small children. Wow. Time keeps marching by...they are no longer boys. They are men. I know they are kind, good men, because that day, ten years ago, I saw a glimpse of each of their hearts and all I saw was gold.

Love Thursday

2010-04-22T18:59:00.000-07:00

This Thursday I am loving:

1. Hitting golf balls with my husband at the driving range! (doesn't matter which club I use, I hit it the same distance!)

2. Having some quality time with my dear daughter.

3. Discussing the future with my son and hearing his thoughts and dreams.

4. Friends who come over and help me finish the things I cannot do in my kitchen.

5. My mom who always tries to help me out, even when she lives hundreds of miles away!! I love you Mom!

What are you loving today?

Menu Plan April 19 - 23

2010-04-19T18:30:00.000-07:00

Monday - Chicken Spaghetti (my mom's recipe) This was in the freezer! :-)

Tuesday - Honey Hoisin Chicken
Rice
Broccoli

Wednesday - Taco Salad

Thursday - Baked Salmon with Tomato, Spinach and Mushrooms

Friday - Crispy Rosemary Chicken and potatoes

As we near May, our lives begin to get busier and busier. All of the regular end of school activities along with the special senior activities, will keep us hoping. I think I need to get some things in the freezer. What are your favorite freezer meals?

A Mix of Thoughts and Love Thursday

2010-04-15T06:38:00.000-07:00

I am a rule follower. Many of my high school friends and even college friends are snickering about now. I know, I have been a rule follower for all of my life. I don't like getting in trouble. I don't know if I have a huge conscience, or I just want people to like me so much, I don't want to disappoint. Now, this doesn't mean that I have never broken the rules. In high school, while my parents were out of town, I drank, drove me, Steph, Aaron and Brit to a basketball game in Conway. Then we went back to my house and drank more. I got up the next morning and took the ACT, and upon returning home found I had locked myself out of the house. Someone had to break in to let me in. I sat at the kitchen table facing the driveway for hours until my parents' car drove up. I then RAN to the car and pulled my mom out to confess and ask forgiveness. It was too much for me. I am the person now who will put money in the meter just in case, even when the sign says free on weekends. I get nervous when the stadium and/or theater is empty, and Jack wants to move closer...what, not sit in our assigned seats? The two times I have gotten pulled over by the police, I have gotten warnings, because I think they saw the complete panic attack I was having and felt sorry for me.

Now that I have teenagers, I find myself worried about them getting in trouble. I finally paid for a stupid parking pass for my son at high school, because everyday I was scared to death he was going to be towed. (for my TX and AR friends, I don't know if things have changed there, but in the East, there is so little parking, they charge hs kids to park at their hs!!! OUTRAGEOUS!! I didn't want to buy a pass in protest....) When I find that my kids have done something wrong, I worry about what kind of trouble they could have gotten into. The police could have gotten involved, they could get suspended from school, they could get kicked out of choir/baseball. Now, to be clear, I am not worried about the trouble they get into with ME!!! I am not the kind of parent that worries about angering my child by upholding our family rules...no, I'm not talking about that. I am talking about outside forces. I don't want my kids to get in trouble with consequences that could change the direction of their lives. Jail, death to name a couple. You know, pretty common worries, don't all moms have these? and dads? Unfortunately for me, it seems my kids did not inherit my conscious or my fear of getting in trouble......

Interestingly, although I want people to like me, and don't want to get in trouble, I have no problem standing up for what I believe. And what I believe, is very different from what I was raised to believe, theologically, at least. So I am going against the rules of my childhood. But I don't feel angst over this. I am okay with it. In fact, I feel that I am following in Jesus' footsteps even more now than ever. For I believe he called us to stand up for and support all people, regardless of their race, gender, socioeconomic status, or their sexual orientation. Jesus was a rule breaker.

Today is Thursday, which means I am to look back over my week to see what I love. This week has been a hard week, as you may have noticed from a lack of posts....so bear with me.

This week I am loving....
1. That I live in an area that is open to gays and lesbians. That there are safe places for them to work, worship and live their lives.

2. That my kitchen is in the final stages. The floor goes in tomorrow.

3. That I have a partner in life who loves me, challenges me, and stands by me in the dark and light times of life. Who also does not let my "fears" of breaking rules, overtake my life. Yes, I move closer with him at the ballpark and the theater, and leave our assigned seats!!!! He is such a renegade!

4. That my college freshman roommate found me on facebook this week. I have thought of her so often through the years. She and I had sooo much fun!! She even talked me into skipping my first class ever!!! Yep! We stayed at the dorm and drank hot chocolate and watched a Christmas movie. AND my dad showed up at my class and caught me skipping!!!!!!!

5. That a dear friend from high school found me this week on facebook. I had a great group of friends who were all older that were such a great source of support during my high school years. We were missing just one and she showed up this week!

6. That you, my readers, have read this far.

What are loving this week? Or what rules are you breaking?

Menu Plan April 12 - 18 (a day late)

2010-04-13T14:02:00.000-07:00

Monday - Spaghetti, salad, French Bread

Tuesday - Southwest Salad with grilled chicken

Wednesday - Hamburgers w/Sweet Potato Fries

Thursday - Sausage and Pesto Pasta (maybe FINALLY this week I'll actually make this)

Friday - Pizza

What are you cooking this week?

Love Thursday - April 8

2010-04-08T06:08:00.000-07:00

This week I am loving:

1. Spending Easter with my family and not stressing over church. Although I will admit I sort of, kind of missed being in church.

2. Watching my son play some amazing baseball and his team winning two games!

3. Celebrating my husband's birthday!

4. Of course watching even more flowers bloom in my yard.....although the pollen is KILLING me!!!

5. Knitting with dear friends. I met with Jackie and Betsy on Tuesday and today...Amy!! Can't wait. we are going to try a new yarn store. I try to take lots of pics!!

That is what I am loving this week, what about you? Leave me a comment telling me something you are loving!

Wordless Wednesday - POLLEN

2010-04-07T11:14:00.000-07:00

This:

Brings us this:

Earth Day - April 6

2010-04-06T05:42:00.000-07:00

I am going to be bluntly honest in this post. I am not sure I am a very good "earth" person. As I read some blogs on what they are doing, I realize I fall WAAY short! I am vain. There, I said it. Erin on The Conscious Shopper has a challenge for the month of April, and that is to go without shampoo. WHAT? She has it very neatly outlined on how to go about this. I read several people talk about the "adjustment" period. But seriously, I cannot go without shampooing my hair everyday! I just can't! I like to look good. Now sure there are days I don't shower, when I am going to be home, working in the yard, or working in my kitchen or when I am too depressed to get to it. But intentionally? I just don't think so. Go over and read her article and then come back here and tell me your thoughts. I do think I could move to the shampoo bar. In fact, when this bottle of shampoo is out, I will try it. But no 'poo? I don't think so. Not yet!

There are other things I don't do well. I get take out in plastic/styrofoam containers. I have plastic storage containers in my home. I can't really see myself taking my own containers for take-out. Again, my vanity is too strong for that.

But there is one thing I did do this week. I made my own dishwashing detergent! Oh yes I did! And so far, it is working quite well, thank you!

So, tell me about your thoughts on "No 'Poo" and what are ways your vanity get in the way of doing good for the earth. Then brag on yourself. Tell us something good you have done!

Menu Plan April 5 - 11

2010-04-04T15:48:00.000-07:00

Hope you had a great Easter! We had a very nice celebration with just our family here at our home. I bought beef brisket from a barbecue place, made a potato casserole, salad, and warmed some rolls. It was tasty!

This next week we have two baseball games and a birthday to celebrate! Here is what we are having:

Monday: Shrimp Packs

Tuesday: Hubby's 45th Birthday Dinner! In our house, the birthday person gets to select where we eat...usually we go out!

Wednesday: Crockpot Chicken Thighs

Thursday: Grilled Sausage and Pesto Pasta

Friday: Hamburgers with Roasted Potatoes - I bought some meat from a local rancher. We'll see how this tastes!

What are you having for dinner this week?

Crafty Friday - Produce Bags

2010-04-02T07:20:00.000-07:00

Well, because of my deep cleaning and continued work on my kitchen, I didn't get to make many produce bags. I got one completed to show you today. I am excited to make more! This one is about 8 1/2 x 11 inches. It is good for small items. I hope you enjoy!

Happy Easter, everybody!

Love Thursday - April 1

2010-04-01T06:43:00.000-07:00

Today, I am loving:

1. My kitchen nearing completion!!! I started this renovation process back in October. I worked really hard and I love how it is turning out.

2. Friends who can and will do the work in the kitchen I can't do myself!

3. Spring Break! Both my kids have the same spring break this year! Of course, Allie went to Virginia with her friend, and Stephen has been off with his friends, but they are off together, and the pace is slower!

4. Having coffee with my neighbor. I love you, Anna!

5. My fabulous friend who was yardless and knew I wanted a pretty yard but couldn't make it happen! For two years she has worked on my yard and this is the year it pays off! Wow! So many pretty things blooming! And the good news is? All perennials!

6. The sun! My moods, energy, outlook are all tied to the sun. Welcome back!!!

These are just a few of the things I am loving this week, what about you? Leave me a comment about what you are loving!

Wordless Wednesday

2010-03-31T17:48:00.000-07:00

Before:

After, so far:

Earth Day

2010-03-30T07:01:00.000-07:00

I am hoping on Tuesdays to challenge myself to do something for our earth. I love Erin's blog, The Conscious Shopper. She mixes being good to the earth with being good to our wallets. Since I have a very limited amount of money to "play" with each month, this is important to me. I want to do so many things, but they just aren't all feasible on my income. Erin helps me choose by doing the research for me. I like that! Plus, on Mondays she gives challenges to her readers. Therefore, I may simply write here about her challenge and how I am going implement it, and sometimes I may have my own ideas!

Several weeks ago I won some produce bags from Erin. She had a giveaway from EcoBags - right now she has a giveaway for some glass straws!! Go look! Anyway, I really like the bags. I never realized how many of those plastic things I get at the store! Plus, I like to buy in bulk when I can, not just for the packaging, but to reduce waste. So these bags help out greatly! After my first shop using the bags, I realized I needed more. Instead of ordering more, I went to JoAnne's and bought some muslin to make my own. I got some fabric paint and I am going to make some cool ones. This is the week. I am working on my kitchen some, but with the kids on spring break and my daughter gone, I don't have any driving responsibilities, so I am going to tackle the bags.

Do you use reusable bags at the grocery store? Always? Where do you store your bags so you won't forget? Are you still using the plastic produce bags? Think about ways you can reduce your use of plastic bags this week.

Check in on Crafty Friday to see some bags! (good, give myself a deadline and I'll get it done!!!) I'm such a smart girl!!! :-)

Menu Plan March 29 to April 2

2010-03-29T05:50:00.000-07:00

I have been a fan of Orgjunkie.com for a long time. I have participated in her Menu Plan Monday on and off for a while. I find I spend less, and cook more when I plan my meals for the week. Plus, if I get sick, Jack and the kids know what to fix. It doesn't always work, but for the most part it does. So in the spirit of getting more organized and adding more structure to my week, I am adding Menu Planning Mondays again. I hope you may be inspired to cook at home, and make a plan. Maybe you will even find a new recipe to use!

Monday: Sloppy Joes w/ Sweet Potato Fries

Tuesday: Terriyaki Chicken w/Roasted Broccolini
   I'll make extra chicken for tomorrow night's dinner

Wednesday: Oriental Chicken Wraps w/Roasted Red Potatoes
   I'll use leftover chicken and boccolini, if there is any left

Thursday: Sausage and Pesto Pasta

Friday: Shrimp Packets

This week at Food Lion, Hillshire sausage is 2/$4 and Shrimp is BOGO! So I worked my menu around that and the fact that I have one package of hamburger meat and one package of chicken breasts in the freezer. Almost all of these recipes are new for me. I don't usually do this, but with it being spring break, it will mostly be just the hubby and me eating and we don't mind trying new things.

I am struggling with buying meat at the regular grocery store. I have seen the movie Food, Inc and was incredibly moved. So, I am trying to find a way to eat less meat, and when I do buy meat to buy it either at Whole Foods or Trader Joe's. Ultimately I would love to buy my meat from a local rancher! It is a struggle though because this week at Harris Teeter, they have chuck roast BOGO!!! That is a BIG savings! But I don't know how that cow was treated and what that cow ate. I would love to hear your own stories of how you are changing how you look at food, or are you?

What are you cooking this week? Share your ideas in the comments, please. This could be a great resource for us all. If you are stuck, go visit OrgJunkie!!!

Structure

2010-03-27T07:33:00.000-07:00

When I was an elementary teacher, I was able to fly by the seat of my pants and be extremely flexible. I have been wondering where that trait has gone. But I have realized that I was able to be flexible because I was in an incredibly structured environment. My days were mapped out one to two weeks in advance(depending on the principal). Within that structure, I could be flexible. Now that I am home, I no longer have that structure. Therefore, I find being flexible extremely hard! I NEED STRUCTURE. I need a plan. I like to know what my days are going to look like. If there are no anchors, such as a game, carpool, meeting a friend, I feel lost. I end up not getting anything done at all, and some days not even showering. So, I am going to find some ways to structure my days. I am starting with structuring my blog. This will give me a purpose to write everyday, and I am hoping that after I write for the blog, I can move straight into my other writing. I will let you know how that goes.

Here is the structure I am proposing for my blog:
Monday: Menu Planning
Tuesday: Earth Day
Wednesday: Wordless Wednesday
Thursday: Love Thursday
Friday: Creative Crafts

I am excited to have something to look forward to each day. I hope you will join me to see how it goes and if I can come up with something funny, insightful or inspiring each day.

This sense of structure is weighing heavy on me as I look forward. My son is leaving home soon. My daughter is entering the teen years of pulling away from her family and being a little more independent. Gone are the days of sitting down together after school and watching a tv show together, or going to the mall together, or doing much of anything together. Her days are filled with studying, babysitting, going to choir, and hanging with her friends. So when the boy leaves and takes his baseball games with him, I will lose a lot of my structure, a lot of what I look forward to every day. So what to do with this time when I do feel well? I have many thoughts and interests which I need to begin to pursue. Because a person who needs structure tends to become depressed when she doesn't have structure. I'm just saying.

Love Thursday (it's back!)

2010-03-25T07:21:00.000-07:00

I think I will begin something I "borrowed" from a blogger called "Love Thursday". On my first blog I did this and it caught on with many of my friends. So on Thursdays, tune in to see what I have loved about my week.

This week I am loving:

1. Getting to watch my boy pitch a whole game, hit a homerun, and win his first game of the season!

2. Getting to watch my boy in another game, hit another homerun! and win their 2nd game of the season!

3. Watching my daughter's excitement....oh to be young again!

4. Working in the yard with my husband....because of his work, we had NEVER done that before.

5. Spending the warm, sunshiney weekend with my husband watching baseball games and eating out!

6. All the beautiful bird returning and feeding on my birdfeeder!

7. Seeing the beautiful flowers emerging in my yard.

8. Getting word that my beautiful cousin, Stephanie delivered a precious baby boy this morning, welcome to our family, Jacob!

What are you loving this week? (leave a comment sharing what you love)

Writer's Block

2010-03-10T07:03:00.000-08:00

I can't write. Every time I sit down and begin a thought, my brain freezes and I can't develop my ideas. It is frustrating. UGH!!!! Maybe I shouldn't have declared myself a writer.

Fear

2010-03-05T13:16:00.000-08:00

What are you afraid of? Spiders, bugs, heights, rollercoasters, water? It seems we all have fears, some seem sillier than others. I realized lately that I am dealing with fear in my life. The fear of losing my son.

My son is a senior in high school this year. He is going to play baseball in college and has the desire to play pro if possible. So we are trying to discern with him what is the best option for him as far as schools go. In so doing, I am quickly coming to the realization that he is leaving my home. I am not so delusional that I think by living at home he has been out of harm's way. But I guess I have felt some control, albeit a false sense of control. So what are my fears you ask?

Fear #1 - He will die. He will be in a car wreck and die. He will get sick and die. He will live in a house with someone who has guns and he will die. I don't know....just that he will die.

Fear #2 - He will not have the opportunity to realize his dream of playing pro ball. There are two factors in this. One, he will be stupid and do something stupid and get kicked out of school. Two, he will get hurt and not be able to play anymore. (and of course, he will die and not be able to play)

Fear #3 - He will change and not want to come home anymore. He will get out in the world and find a different way to live and have no interest in coming home.

Fear #4 - He will find a girl and become so consumed with her that he never comes home again. And she will not like us and therefore, not want to encourage him to come home.

You see, this boy is the child I longed for. He is the baby I dreamed of having. I spent 2 years, 6 months trying to conceive him. He is my dream come true. I then spent the next year trying to keep him alive. I held him on two different occasions not knowing if he would live or die. He captured my heart on September 29, 1992, and has never let go.

I realize I was given this child to raise, not keep forever. I realize that my ultimate job is to raise him to be a fantastic adult. I realize that in doing that, I must let him go. And I will. I will.

But right now I must give voice to these fears. For the one thing I have learned about fear, is that it grows in the dark and in silence. So, Fear, you are released.

And Stephen, you are too. Well, not right now, but you will be, really, I promise.....

A New Day

2010-02-25T07:21:00.000-08:00

I have a choice every day. I can choose positive or negative. There are days I feel too overwhelmed to make a choice and let the choice be made for me. The last three days have been like that for me. The pain and depression of being chronically ill cannot always be silenced. Most days I try to get dressed, put on makeup, do my hair, and just go on. I look for the positive all day long, and get through my day. Some days it doesn't even feel like work. I start to feel more positive with each little positive encounter. Then those days start stacking up and it gets easier and easier. But eventually there are little negatives here and there, and then those seem to get closer and closer together. Soon I can no longer even see the positives. So I give in and just wallow. The next day I start again and that leads us to today.

There is a beautiful snow falling outside. It is the kind that doesn't leave us stuck inside. The sun even seems to be trying to come out. It isn't such a dark day. I love snow. I am a bit tired of it by now, but it is still beautiful.

I have a warm cozy house. It is just the right size for us. I am ready for it to be "finished". Several projects going on right now. I am blessed to be able to have those projects going on right now. And it will be beautiful when it is done.

My family supports me whatever kind of day I am having. Okay, honestly, I am not sure the kids are even aware of what kind of day I am having, but they are here. I have them all under one roof still......we won't go there....

I have terrific friends who are patient and kind with me. I bail on them so many times. I shut myself up and don't let them in or near and yet, they don't give up on me. They cry with me and laugh with me and send me words of encouragement even when their own lives are in the toilet.

I have a terrific husband. He listens. He holds me when I cry. He doesn't make light of whatever has gotten me down that day. He is just there. That says a lot. Many people would have tired of this by now.

I have a talent that allows me to make beautiful things. Jack's scarf is really pretty and the sweater I am finishing right now is gorgeous. My hands have knit those things. They bring me such joy.

I am a lucky girl. I have a lot to be thankful for. And I am grateful for the grace that my family and friends allow me to have my bad days. I am thankful that I have also learned to allow myself that same grace. Those days are inevitable, no matter who you are. Do you give yourself the grace to just feel?

What are you dealing with today? Are you giving yourself grace to wallow today, or are you trying to look up?

Shitty Day

2010-02-24T09:18:00.000-08:00

I will warn you, this is not a feel good post. I am not editing myself at all. So, be forewarned.

I am so tired. I am so tired of being stuck with needles. Tired of swallowing pills. Tired of drinking yucky stuff. Tired of feeling so tired I can't do anything.

All I want to do is sit and watch tv or sleep in my bed. But, kids need to be carted around. Laundry needs to be washed. Groceries need to be bought. Kitchen needs to be cleaned. Baths need to be taken. Doctors need to be gone to. Meetings attended.

Oh, but the energy it takes to do all this. It is impossible some days. Shoot, I am so tired right now, I can't even muster the energy to express how truly awful I feel.

Oh well, off to the doctor, cart the girl around, and think about dinner.

On I go.....

A Plethora of Thoughts

2010-02-18T06:54:00.000-08:00

My brain is so filled with things I want to write about today. It is interesting. Some days I sit here in front of this blank screen and can think of absolutely nothing to say. Other days I wake up in the morning and begin crafting my post in my head, I am focused on the one idea. And then other days I sit down and my mind is just so full I can't even focus on one thing. Most days, when this happens I don't post because I fear it will be too messy. To unfocused. But shoot. This is my blog and it can be what I want. Follow if you dare....

Yesterday there was absolutely nothing in my closet clean. Seriously. All that hung there was a skirt. I looked in my sweats drawer....NOTHING. I looked in the dirty clothes basket and all my bottoms were in the washer....wet!!!! So I wore a skirt. There was a time in my life where all I wore was skirts. I was a teacher and one year, I am not sure why, I wore skirts most every day. I really like wearing skirts, they make me feel so feminine. I don't have many anymore....I think I must change that. I have the one short/mid knee length basic black skirt, a long basic black straight skirt, I have a skort for the summer. But that is it. Yesterday I wore the shorter skirt with my boots and oh my felt so sexy!! I even put on jewelry and full makeup!!! You know, I got a lot done yesterday and felt pretty good all day. Maybe there is something to getting up and getting dressed to make you more productive. Of course today I am still in my pjs. But it is only 9 in the morning....I still have time. Maybe I'll go to Goodwill today and look at skirts.......

I finally finished my gift I was knitting for Jack. Now I can tell the story. You will remember that when we were at the beach, I went to the Salty Sheep and bought some "Dream in Color" yarn in the color scheme of "Nightwatch". It is blues, the color of the ocean at night....dark blues, purples...very nice. I googled men's scarves and found a pattern. Not any pattern. Okay let me back up. The first project I ever knitted was for Jack on Valentine's day and it was a scarf knitted out of some god-awful acrylic yarn. It challenged me then. I frogged and started over several times. You see, it was much like my relationship with Jack. Our relationship brings be such joy, but it challenges me at times. I have grown as a person being with him. He encourages me and challenges me to be the best me I can be. So, this new scarf needed to be really special to replace the old one. My husband is an active activist for the LGBT community. This is his passion. So the pattern I found was written in memory of Matthew Shephard. Here is what the website says,

"In 1998, Matthew Shepard, a gay student at the University of Wyoming, was beaten, tied to a fence, and left for dead. He was unconscious when his limp body was discovered by a passing cyclist the day after this vicious crime. Five days later Matthew died, never regaining consciousness. At Matthew's funeral his cousin, the Rev. Anne Kitch, asked the world to find in Matthew's life a lesson that transcends the evil of his death.
Following the directive of Rev. Kitch, Myrna Stahman designed two Seamen's scarves in memory of Matthew. Permission is granted to copy these patterns for non-commercial purposes and give them to your knitting friends. Each time you use these patterns please take some action to foster the understanding of people who are different from yourself.

Knit an extra scarf and donate it to a worthy cause.

Enjoy the "Matthew" and "Matt" patterns and the scarves you knit from them, remembering Matthew who, in the words of his father, would have been overwhelmed by what his murder has done to the hearts and souls of people around the world. Matthew was the type of person who,
if this had happened to another, would have been the first on the scene to offer his help, his hope, and his heart. Please offer your help, your hope, and your heart to make the world a better place for all."

Well, it was a big hit. He really like the scarf and appreciated the story behind it. Which leads me to Valentine's Day. We had a nice Valentine's Day breakfast where I made heart shaped pancakes and the kids got their little gift bags. Then that afternoon Jack and I went shopping for a new top for me to wear to dinner that night. I wanted him to pick something out that he liked, it was fun to do that together. Then we shared a snack before going to see "Crazy Heart". Excellent movie!!! We really loved it. Then we went home to change for dinner and went to dinner at Lucky 32. It was a lovely day. Oh! Jack wrote me a poem that just sent me over the edge. I cried and cried. He even took the time to print it on some valentine stationary that he found in my closet!! It was priceless. I am the luckiest woman in the world.

Well, I think I have poured out enough from my brain to be able to go on with my day. Hope I didn't bore you too much...

What is on your mind today? Share a comment!!! I love knowing people are reading!!!!

The Conscious Shopper

2010-02-16T14:06:00.000-08:00

I have found a new blog to read The Conscious Shopper. I can't remember how I found Erin, I think in a search for local food or something like that. ANYWAY, I have been reading her blog for a few weeks now. I was drawn to her blog because she has hit my main problem. How do I make good decisions for the environment without bankrupting my bank account? I love that she is constantly looking for ways to live within her budget while being a good citizen.

She categorizes her challenges with "Baby Steps" "Jogging Steps" and "Marathon Runner". I am almost always on the "baby step" level. But she really challenges me to rethink the status quo. I am considering changes in our home that I never even thought about before.

I wrote about her before because she was having a cool give away. I get the feeling I will be blogging about her a lot because of her give aways. I won the last one and received in the mail some great produce bags. I then went to Joanne's and bought muslin to make more. See...instead of going and buying some...I am going to make my own. I am telling you, Erin is IN MY HEAD.

Today's post has really gotten to me. I thought I was using a pretty good makeup. BUT, as it turns out, it is not rated very highly at Skin Deep Guide. So now I have a problem. I need to start over. I want to use makeup that is good for me and for the earth. Oh good grief. Any of you wear good make up???? What I like about today's post was that she shared her list of personal care products. That is soooo helpful. Okay, have you ever heard of a shampoo bar???? A conditioner bar????? I feel really out of it. I have a lot of research ahead of me.

I am very grateful to Erin for her challenges and her encouragement. I am dedicating this post to her. Go read her blog. See what changes you can make in your life. How green are you?

My Day as a Chauffer

2010-02-12T04:39:00.000-08:00

Today I am off to drive for Raleigh Charter High School's Flex Days. The kids spend all morning in one activity and the afternoon in a different one. The activities have something to do with what they are studying. They are assigned these groups and are not given choices, I believe. I really don't know a lot about it being a freshman parent. There was too much information to take in at Orientation. Any way, they need drivers and I signed up. I will not have my daughter, they make sure of that. That is nice....but not. I would like to see her, but I know she appreciates not seeing me. In fact, my outfit must be approved by her and I am not to speak to anyone in my car. Won't I come across as mean and rude? Oh well. I think I will use my OWN judgement, a novel idea!!!

This is the second time I have done something for her school. On one hand it makes me miss teaching terribly, but on the other hand I feel grateful to be home and be able to do this. I like being a part of my daughter's school. I never got involved in Stephen's. So, off I go. Hope I don't make too many mistakes!!! ~smile~

What are you doing today?

Living Consciously

2010-02-07T06:38:00.000-08:00

I WON! I WON! I just found out that I won some eco-friendly produce bags from The Conscious Shopper. I am very excited, not just because I won, but because I have been concerned about not having cloth bags for produce. I hate using the plastic bags at the store...so now I don't have too.

I found the Conscious Shopper blog in my search for help in "eating local". I feel the need to switch to this way of eating and living. I have read several books lately that have confirmed this for me. The problem always comes down to how to do it on one salary. Especially now that that one salary is, well, shall we say "up in the air". So how do you follow your heart when your pocketbook can't support it? I am comforted in finding Erin. She sounds much like myself, well, much younger, but in the same situation. She is living in my area, another bonus, and is eager to live more consciously but on a budget. She has challenges each month for you to take baby steps up to Marathon runner actions. I like the real approach she has. We cannot all just give up our ways and change all at once. We must take steps to this new way of life. She even admits that in some areas she is still taking baby steps.

Besides money, the biggest obstacle for me is my health. There are just days when going out to eat or getting take out is the only way I can feed my family. Eating local and trying to do away with processed foods is a challenge. I am going to continue to look for answers, and not beat myself up as I work toward my goal.

What steps are you taking in your life to live more consciously? What ways are you helping the environment? Let me hear from you!

Snow

2010-02-02T05:29:00.000-08:00

I love snow. It is so gorgeous. I especially love the morning after a significant snow. The world is so quiet and peaceful. I love watching the big fluffy flakes fall to the ground. But I have to say I liked the snow more when we lived in Maryland. Why? Because, you might have to stay home one day, but then it was business as usual. Here in the South, snow stops everything for days. Which mind you is nice, but with teens in the house...not so much. I have had to endure the entire viewing of the second, third, and fourth seasons of "The Office". Now I love the show. It is hilarious. But hours of it? Not so much. Luckily, Allie, the teen daughter, got to get out of the house yesterday and spent the night with someone last night. We both needed a break from each other. She was getting bored and had cabin fever pretty bad. I am just ready for everyone to go back to school and work, and let me get on with MY schedule!!!! You know, that busy schedule I have!!! :-)

Just heard, more snow predicted for Friday.........

What Makes a Writer?

2010-02-01T05:01:00.000-08:00

I have been writing for some time. Oh, it takes different forms, sometimes a poem, a journal entry, a short story or just ramblings. I have never thought of myself as a writer though. I have never been published, therefore, I am not a writer. Or so I thought.

Yesterday in the midst of a huge snow storm (well, for the south) our heat stopped working. When the technician arrived, because I am a preferred customer, which I think has nothing to do with the fact that I pay a premium every month but because of how friendly I am, yeah, right. Anyway, as I was paying him we were chatting. He asked what I did for a living. I usually just say that I am a stay at home mom. But yesterday, before I even thought about it, out popped, "I'm a writer." I quickly looked around to see if one of my family members would "out" me, but luckily no one was around! I thought about that moment all day. "I am a writer."

This did not occur just yesterday. I did not wake up and decide I am going to be a writer. This has been a long process. I don't really remember writing much as a youth. Yes, I tried to keep a diary when I was young, but I grew tired myself of reading my daily "doings". It wasn't until I became a Whole Language teacher that I really began to give myself permission to write. I believed strongly in modeling what I wanted my students to do. So, during silent reading, I read my current novel. I would laugh out loud when appropriate, and I would cry when appropriate. Modeling what reading looked and felt like for my students. This was natural and easy for me. So, during Writer's Workshop, I would write. I told my kids they just needed to write. If they couldn't think of a story, just write anything. Many of my journals were filled with nonsense. But occasionally, a story would appear. I never felt shame in sharing my "writing" with my students, again I was modeling that a writer simply means to write. But I must admit and apologize to all my students. I never learned that lesson. I did not hear myself until much later in life.

My husband is a writer. He is an excellent writer. He does not really like commercial greeting cards. He prefers to make his own. Now by this, I do not mean the current fad of "Stamping", or ribbons. He would write his feelings. Instead of looking for a card that said what he wanted to say, he would simply write it himself. (I strongly sense that his frugality had a part in this as well....) Of course, he wanted such cards in return. This was never said out loud. I just sensed this, and the joy and exuberance he showed when he received one confirmed this. So I began writing for my husband. He loved my writing and was always very complimentary. But you know, he was my husband. He is supposed to be complimentary.

Later on I started getting into scrapbooking and even became a consultant with Creative Memories. Again writing came up. A huge part of keeping a scrap book is not just the photos, but the stories to go along with the photos. So I taught this to all my customers. I was in essence holding Writing Workshops again. And as before, I must model this behavior if I expected my "students" to follow.

When we moved to North Carolina, my eyes were opened to many social issues that I hadn't truly "seen" before. The biggest one were the issues facing the LGBT community (lesbian/gay/bisexual/transgender). Most of my close friends in our church were homosexuals. I became educated on the discriminations that occured on a daily basis for them. And it stirred great emotion in me. I started writing about these injustices in the form of poetry.

One day I decided I wanted to learn to knit. So I bought a book, some yarn and needles, and started knitting. I was having trouble understanding the book, so I googled knitting and found a video tutorial by Heather. I followed a link on the video and found Heather's blog. I had never heard of blogs at that time. I started reading her blog and linking to other blogs she had listed and soon I was hooked. I decided I could do this and it would be a great record of my growth as a knitter. What happened was that I was writing every day, and was beginning to write of life and knitting. I began to get a following on my blog and received many compliments. These were people who didn't even know me. They had no reason to comment, much less compliment.

For my husband's fortieth birthday, he asked for a compilation of all my writings. I was embarrassed by this. I still did not see myself as a writer and this seemed too much like a "book". I was not worthy of that!! But I did it for him.

I went to a local book store and listened to several authors talk about their craft. Inevitably the question is asked about how they write. This is by far the most interesting question to me. I was blown away by the different answers. But the common thread was they just write. They did not have big offices they went to, many of them wrote in the pjs at the kitchen table. Much like me.

At times over the last three years, stories would start in my head and I couldn't think of much else until I wrote them down. Sometimes they were complete stories, but mostly they were just beginnings. I even started a novel. It consumed me. I could actually hear the main character's voice. But then it died away.

I started this blog because I felt such a pressure to write and no outlet. Plus I will admit, I like the feedback. My friend Joy taught me it is okay to just come out and admit it, I like praise! Thanks, Joy! So I have been writing here my thoughts, my stories and I have gotten amazing feedback. My younger brother, Kade wrote, "I had no idea of your writing skills. VERY impressed!!!" He is a man of few words, which makes these words priceless to me. The other day as we were passing kids off at carpool, my friend Debbie called out, "I didn't know you were an author." Those words resounded with me for days. An author.

Jack gave me the book, What the Dog Saw by Malcolm Gladwell. It is a book of essays. Jack and I love to read books out loud together. But it is hard to do with our schedules. So Jack had been looking for a book for us and found this and the book Outliers by Gladwell as well. They are perfect in that they are essays and we can let several days or weeks pass between readings and it doesn't matter. Plus these articles give us so much to discuss beside the regular mundane issues. I highly recommend this for couples! Okay, back to me! :-)

So the other night Jack read the essay, "Late Bloomers" "Why do we equate genius with precocity?" This essay is fascinating on many levels, but I want to talk about what struck me. The essay begins by telling the story of Ben Fountain. After only three years as a lawyer, he decides to quit his job and write full time. In the first year he published two stories. But then it would be eighteen years until he published his best seller. Eighteen years he worked at his craft. For every story he published, he had thirty rejections. Wow, that is a lot of writing. So, it dawned on me. I have not submitted even one story yet. I have not even written thirty stories yet. Yet.

You have just read my journey. This is what has brought me to this day. It is time to live into my calling. Or dare I say destiny? Gosh this sounds serious. I have made a decision which I wish to make public.

I am a writer.

A Defining Moment

2010-01-30T04:23:00.000-08:00

Based on a true story
As her parents' car pulled into her driveway, she was filled with equal parts fear and joy. When her husband burst out the front door the joy filled her. She was home. It was an incredible feeling to be back in his arms. But as he reached in the car to pull out the carseat with their son, the fear returned.

Amy had just spent a week at her parents' house convalescing after getting out of the hospital with an uterine infection. The last month had been a whirlwind. She had a very hard and scary delivery. Although there was some fear if the baby would live, he pulled through with only jaundice to remain a concern. Then a week later Amy got sick and had to go back in the hospital. All this time, John was trying to attend seminars for his Ph.D. By the time Amy got home from the hospital, they were both exhausted and spent. Amy's mom came for a visit and immediately saw that John needed some time to catch up in his studies and Amy needed rest and help with caring for the baby. She promptly packed them all up and drove Amy and the baby home with her. It had been a wonderful week of pampering for Amy. Her father worked next door so he was able to be around and check on her regularly. Sam, the baby, slept in her parents' room and her mom attended his needs in the night. Amy quickly regained her strength.

Now, as they stood in the driveway, Amy knew her mom had to leave and couldn't stay. She was scared. What if she couldn't do this on her own? As if sensing the terror within Amy, John slipped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her to him. He whispered in her ear, "We are going to be fine. You are not alone." In that moment she was able to let go of the fear and say goodbye to her mom.

That evening after dinner, John had to return to the library to finish studying for a huge seminar the next morning. Sam became fussy and seemed uncomfortable. Amy tried to feed him but he wouldn't nurse. He seemed to have a stuffy nose and trouble breathing. She called her girlfriend and asked what to do. The girlfriend talked Amy through how to take a baby's temperature. Sam had a fever of 100. Her girlfriend reassured her that that was okay, but to check with the doctor in the morning. Amy rocked and held Sam until he fell asleep.

The next morning after a fitful night for Sam and Amy, she called the doctor's office and was informed she couldn't be seen until 10:30 that morning. In some ways that reassured her that everything was okay. Babies get colds and there was no reason to worry. John didn't want Amy to go alone to the doctor's office, but he couldn't miss another seminar. She reassured him that it was okay, probably just a cold and drove away.

She entered the brightly decorated pediatrician's office loaded down with the diaper bag of a new mother. As they sat waiting, she noticed a long window looking into the office area. She saw Dr. Brown and they smiled at each other. Then Dr. Brown seemed to get upset and became very busy behind the glass. People started rushing around as if an emergency had occured. Amy wondered what that was about as they called Sam's name.

The nurse was chatty as she ushered Amy and Sam into the exam room and took his vitals. She asked the normal questions of why they were here and what concerns did Amy have. Shortly the doctor came through the door all smiles. She asked several questions as she looked over Sam. She took off his diaper and asked if Amy had noticed a discharge before. Amy said no. Then timidly, Amy asked, "I feel stupid asking this, but I feel like Sam is more lethargic today. Is that possible?" "Yes," the doctor said, "he has a fever and just like adults he becomes lethargic when he is ill." Dr. Brown then excused herself to go check something and left leaving the door cracked open.

Amy redressed Sam, swaddled him, and held him close. As she walked around the tiny exam room, she could faintly hear the doctor. "Yes, you need to meet your wife at the hospital. She will go straight up and I need you to go check them in." Amy murmured to Sam, "Oh, poor mom and child, they are having to go the hospital. How awful! I hope it is not serious." And Amy continued walking and swaying to soothe Sam.

Dr. Brown returned with a lady she introduced as Maggie, her office manager. She informed Amy that Maggie was going to walk her and Sam underground to the hospital. "Amy, Sam is very sick. He is going into shock and we need to get him attended to right away." Amy seemed to take this information in stride. She loaded up her diaper bag, handed it to Maggie and off they went.

On the way, Maggie chatted and cooed at Sam. Amy got no sense of urgency and still did not realize what was ahead. They entered the elevator and went to the sixth floor, the pediatric floor. When the elevator opened, Amy's life changed forever. There awaiting their arrival were four nurses and a doctor. They immediately took Sam out of Amy's arms and rushed him into a room. Amy crumbled. It was in that instant that she knew. She had felt it in the pit of her stomach, in the bottom of her heart. Her baby was ill. Until that moment, she hadn't been able to give voice to that truth. Amy suddenly realized there were arms wrapped around her as she sat on the floor. Maggie and another lady were holding her. The hospital had arranged for a chaplain to be there for Amy. The fear became even more extreme. Eventually they got her to a chair and she began mumbling that she needed to call John. Maggie said the doctor had already called him and he was downstairs. It then dawned on Amy that the conversation she overheard was about her and Sam. The tears began streaming down her cheeks.

Suddenly behind the doors she heard the shrieks of her baby boy. It felt as if someone had ripped her heart out. She started for the door but Maggie and the chaplain restrained her saying she had to let them do their jobs. Amy began wailing that she needed to see her son. The elevator opened and John rushed out. Amy ran to him and they clung to each other as they watched the door. John demanded more information. And finally the chaplain went into the treatment room to get a nurse. The nurse came and explained what they were doing. She went over the list of tests and treatments they were doing on Sam. But Amy's mind couldn't comprehend a word she said. Because her heart was inside that room. All she knew was that she needed her baby in her arms immediately. She needed to protect her baby from whatever was wrong. But she couldn't. She had to sit outside the door and wait.

It seemed like days before the door opened and the nurse came out holding Sam. He was swaddled again with tubes coming out all over his body. She gently laid him in Amy's outstretched arms. Amy brought him to her heart and kissed the tears away from his cheeks. Amy began to realize that they had been ushered into a room with a crib and rocker. She continued to grasp her son not wanting to let go. Within the hour Dr. Brown came into the room to tell Amy and John what was going on.

"Sam has an infection. In babies, we often don't know where the infection begins only where it is at the time we find it. Infections travel quickly through babies' systems and are very dangerous. We did several tests and discovered Sam has an urinary tract infection. This is very uncommon in babies, and what makes it more uncommon is Sam being male. We are giving him IV antibiotics and fluids. He was dehydrated when you came in. He was in the beginning stages of shock. His system was getting ready to shut down. Amy, I know your milk has been drying up since you were in the hospital, but I need you to try to get it back. The nurses will be bringing you tubs of juice, water, whatever fluids you can drink. I need you to drink a lot. Your milk has what this little guy needs right now. Okay?"

Amy numbly nodded her head. She struggled to grasp all that the doctor was saying. Sam almost died today. This mantra played over and over in her head.

"Because Sam is so small and young, he will have to stay in the hospital for a ten day treatment with antibiotics," Dr. Brown continued. "You need to take care of each other. You must get sleep. We can't have either of you getting sick now."

John asked several more questions as the mantra got louder in Amy's head. Then they shook Dr. Brown's hand and she left. The rest of that day and the next were a blur for Amy. She drank, slept, nursed, held, rocked and cried. She and John tried to take turns at the hospital, but with her needing to nurse, Amy needed to be there most of the time. Sam's fever seemed to rise instead of fall. There was quite a bit of concern over this. On the second or third night, Amy was in the room alone with Sam. She had nursed him but he still seemed to be hungry, so she buzzed the nurse and got a bottle of formula. Sam sucked it down with intensity. Afterwards he was still fussy and still making the mewling sounds and motions of a hungry baby. Amy tried the pacifier but to no avail. Finally she called the nurse back and they decided to try a bottle of water. Immediately Sam sucked that down, and was still fussy. Amy tried to change positions in her arms when Sam's little hand fell out of the blanket with the IV line. When she looked down she noticed that his hand was swollen to two times the size. She quickly called out to the nurse who came running. The IV needle had slipped and fluid was filling Sam's hand. He was not hungry, he was in pain. The nurse quickly called for help and they went about fixing it. But Amy couldn't handle it. She left the room and found a corner to sit and sob. A different nurse found her there and sat down on the floor with her and held her as she cried out her sorrow and fear.

Slowly she made her way back into Sam's room. There in the lamplight sat the little Canadian nurse holding Sam tightly to her chest while tears slipped down her cheeks. She looked up as Amy came in the room and said, "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." Amy rushed to her side and hugged her while they both cried.

It would take years for Amy to return to this time in her life. Sam had several other "episodes" with illness, and so did Amy. But the defining moment for Amy was the day the nurses and doctor took Sam out of her arms and away from her. In that moment she realized she could no longer protect her son from everything in this world. Now Sam is going out into the world on his own. And just like that long ago day, he takes Amy's heart with him.

Frustration

2010-01-26T06:01:00.000-08:00

I am frustrated in many areas of my life today. The first and foremost is with my health. I seemed to be going along really well. I was feeling great, even feeling pretty strong. Then *BLAM* I was knocked on my back and I am still there. I have a great dr. and I know he will help me get this figured out but still....it takes a toll on me emotionally as well as physically. I quickly go back to the place of "I can't" instead of "I can". Dwelling on my limitations doesn't help anyone or anything, yet that is what I start to do. I see the many ways I let my family down.

I am frustrated with my knitting. I have two projects going right now that need to be done soon. Both projects are causing me great frustration. I have had to frog both numerous times. My sweater has just baffled me. I cannot seem to get it right. I am ready to just drop it, yet the yarn is so beautiful, the pattern is so neat. I have to go on, I must conquer this. The other project has such meaning, that I can't let it go either.

Frustation is a part of all of our lives. We encounter it in large and small ways. How do we deal with it? Do we let it get us down and let it cause us to question ourselves? Or do we name it and move through it?

I hope today I can begin to move through these frustrations and others. What frustrates you today? How will you deal with it?

Equality for ALL

2010-01-23T05:50:00.000-08:00

I was born white. I was born female. I was born American. I was born heterosexual. According to society today, I have hit the jackpot....well, except for the female part...but I'll leave that for another post. I am not sure I can even put into words how arbitrary that feels. I didn't ask to be born any of these things. I had no power in them...it was how the genes mixed and grew and yes, I believe that God had a hand in the process as well. But I did not. Neither did you. So, how can I get mad or judge others who were born different?

I don't believe that people whose skin color is different than mine are any less valuable, less important, or less worthy of equality. Do you? They are people, made the same way you and I were.

I don't believe that people who were born male are any less valuable, less important, or less worthy of equality. Do you? They are people, made the same way you and I were.

I don't believe that people who were born in other countries are any less valuable, less important, or less worthy of equality. Do you? They are people, made the same way you and I were.

I don't believe that people who were born homosexual are any less valuable, less important, or less worthy of equality. Do you? They are people, made the same way you and I were.

Of all the things we judge others for; their clothes, their shoes, their hair, their class status, their politics, their religion, I don't understand how we can judge someone for the way they were born.

How can we judge someone on something that they had no choice in? And I guess this is where my argument fails for many. We as a society, have not accepted the fact that homosexuality is not a behavior but a sexuality you are born with. First of all, why in the world would someone choose to be persecuted and hated? Why would they choose to be ostracized from society and their families? This is not rational. Why? BECAUSE THEY DO NOT CHOOSE. THEY CANNOT HELP WHO THEY LOVE ANY MORE THAN YOU CAN.

Because much of society believes that homosexuality is a choice, the church has searched scripture to find the ultimate yardstick by which to judge others. Not unlike in the the 50's and 60's when the church argued against the equal rights of blacks. So now we have not only the idea of choice, but GOD. There is nothing that will get people stirred up like God and the Bible.

I am not a religious scholar and have never claimed to be one. I am however married to one. He is a well educated man. He was once very, very conservative and has since opened his mind to see all that God is. And so, I am going to direct you to his words on the subject of the Bible and homosexuality, for all those who are interested.

My argument for the equality of gays and lesbians and for gay marriage is not a religious one. But I knew that for many reading this post it is, so I wanted to address that side of the issue. For me it really has nothing to do with religion, but with people. How can we deny anyone in our country of their basic rights? I just don't understand this. I just don't see how all these Christian friends of mine cannot see the eyes, faces, hearts of these special people and deny them their rights.

My friends Allison and Lou are so good to me and my family. They come over and help me fix plumbing problems. They help me fix up my kitchen, they help me move old freezers into my shed, they make me laugh. They are very good people. They are lesbians. Lou came to America from England. Now, because Allison and Lou cannot get married legally, Lou may not be able to stay in this country. Allison has worked all her adult life and has paid her taxes like every other citizen. She attends church and pays her pledge and even serves on boards there. She volunteers in the community. She is not unlike many of you reading this post. But she loves women, in particular, Lou. She loves Lou and Lou loves her and they have been in a committed relationship for over 5 years now. They live every day knowing that when this student visa runs out, Lou may have to leave. All because of the way Allison and Lou were born. How would you like it if because you were born a brunette you could not marry a blond? How would you feel if the government told you who could marry, who you could love?

These are real people's lives we are talking about. Not perverts, not murderers, but law-abiding, loving, caring people. We must make a stand. We must not continue to allow our society to discriminate against homosexuals. We must fight for the equality of ALL people.

Teens

2010-01-20T06:35:00.000-08:00

What a fascinating, exciting, fun, and scary time in life. You begin to feel the first waves of independence. Getting to go to the mall alone. Driving a car by yourself. Going out with friends without parents. Having a relationship with someone. And the first waves of responsibilities. Your first job. Figuring out what college to attend. Making the grades to get into said college. Having a boy/girlfriend that you must spend time with and think of. Buying a car.

All of these things are exciting. I still remember feeling the emotions of that time. Every emotion was exagerated tenfold. Sometimes I felt so out of control. One minute extreme joy and the next extreme sadness. Such a roller-coaster.

As a mom of teens, I am experiencing this age a bit differently. I am now on the receiving end of these roller-coaster emotions. That is not as much fun and not nearly as exciting. There are times I just shake my head at their forgetfulness, their lack of hearing, their mood swings.

I think the scary part of parenting teens is that you get to start watching them trying on adult size opportunities/problems. They goof up, they make poor choices, and then we panic and think we didn't do a good job raising them. So then most parents start pulling the teens in and restricting their access to these opportunities/problems. I think this is where the tension lies for parents and teens. What we must remember as parents, is that this is EXACTLY what they are supposed to be doing. "Trying on" these situations and it is in the messing up that they actually learn how to be an adult. Come on, do you get it perfect all the time now? Of course not! It is through our mistakes that we learn. Our teens deserve the same grace we give ourselves.

They have heard you. They have learned all the things you have taught them. But they have also heard some other voices, teachers, peers, coaches. So they want to try out different solutions, different thoughts, different ways of doing things, to find what works for them. It doesn't mean you need to hit them over the head even harder and louder with your views and beliefs, you've had the last 13 years for that. Trust them.

I was recently taught this very lesson by my son. In true teenage boy fashion, he has given us some "opportunities". He has tried out many different views and tried out lots of solutions, and we have not always liked his choices, and have had to intervene a couple of times. (you cannot let them hurt themselves or break the law) But last week, my son wrote a story for his Creative Writing class. This story blew me away. It held within its lines all the lessons we have tried to impart to our children. He has been listening! There was even evidence that he listened to his dad's sermons! He has not only been listening, he has adopted some of those core beliefs for his own. It was such a rewarding moment reading that story.

So, parents of teens, know that you have been heard, and it is okay if your kid messes up. I know you fear the worst, dying, being arrested, getting pregnant, getting someone else pregnant, getting AIDS, etc. But you have to make a choice, are you going to parent out of fear? Because not only are our kids listening, they are watching.

The War Within

2010-01-19T04:34:00.000-08:00

"Stop! Please just stop!" The screams tear through your throat. "I can't take anymore!"

The screams meet deaf ears because the offender is inside you. Your own body is attacking itself. It is as if your body is reaching inside and squeezing and slashing your gut. The pain is insufferable. You grasp for breath and twist and turn trying to find a position where the pain will ease. But there is no place, there is no respite. Finally you find the bottle of pills and take one. Still your body keeps up its internal war against itself. The cries of help bring your family running to your side. They try to help, yet it is impossible. There is nothing they can do, they are as helpless as you are. Finally it is time for another pill, the pain killer. Slowly you feel your body begin to fall under the pill's spell. It releases its hold and you can breathe again. You slip into unconsciousness and blissful sleep. It feels as if you have just closed your eyes when the war begins once more. This time your body is fighting so hard it is forcing everything to evacuate. You vomit over and over trying to expell whatever is angering your body. But there is no relief. You try another pain killer and the big gun - Xanax. And slowly your body submits to the drugs. You once more slip into unconsciousness.

You wake after many hours of sleep, yet you don't really wake. That won't come for several days. You will be weak, sleepy and woozy for at least three to four days afterwards.

This is a Crohn's attack. Different people experience different pain, different drugs, etc. But the common thing is how much Crohn's affects your life. It is a nasty disease which can be devastating for some. Many people lose their families or partners because of the inability to stand by and watch such pain. Many people lose their jobs because of the amount of time missed from work. But others have partners who stand by them and bosses who work around them.

We all go on living. It is our choice how we let this affect who we are. What challenges do you face each day? What choices do you make?

Growing Up

2010-01-10T08:11:00.000-08:00

Since life has served up many curve balls as of late, I have been forced to ponder my life and my state of mind. When each curve ball reached "home plate" I realized that I was dealing with the change with calm and peace which is not my norm. I finally came to the conclusion that this must be from maturity. As I looked over the past decade, I realized again that growing up was a theme. At this point in my life, I finally have enough experiences to help support the fact that (1) God is not going anywhere; (2) Jack is not going anywhere; (3) panicking really doesn't help at all; (4) we can get through tough times; (5) change is not all bad.

I am beginning to see that we really don't enter adulthood until our 30's. At 21 we haven't yet experienced much of anything on our own. I got married at 21. I thought I was pretty adult, and I was technically. But it was the beginning. That was when I started accumulating experiences that helped to shape the adult I am today. Figuring out how to make our small paycheck stretch over a month, having to negotiate a relationship with a man, having a child, having a child almost die, having another child, moving, having all my decisions come back to me and me alone. All of these and many, many more are the experiences that show me that God has been with me all along. She has never left my side. Jack has stayed for the long haul. It hasn't always been easy, but he is not going anywhere. Panic is a barrier to thinking, it does not help me make good decisions. Jack and I have gotten through some really tough times together and we have always come out stronger in the end. Many of the experiences I would have labeled as "bad" have really helped me to grow the most....change is okay.

I know I am not done yet. I still have many more phases in life to go. But it is nice to now know that whatever is out there, I will not be alone and I will be okay.

Girlfriends

2010-01-09T07:45:00.000-08:00

Last night my daughter and I went to our annual Mother/Daughter Christmas Party. Due to everyone's busy schedules, it didn't happen before Christmas! This is a group of girls who have gotten together through church. They have all known each other since they were little, but didn't really become close until 6th or 7th grade. Now they are like sisters. What is nice is that the mothers all get along, and the girls don't mind if we are around some of the time. So the girls give each other homemade gifts every year, and the moms coordinate dinner and whose house. The girls sit in the middle of the floor with the moms all around watching. I think the moms spend more time watching the girls' faces and reactions than the actual gift opening. It is priceless to see these almost 15 year olds giggle and squeal with delight over their gifts. It is amazing to see the talent these girls posess. The thought each one puts into individual gifts is astounding. One girl chose a photo of her and the girl, then painted a wooden frame to match the girl's personality. Then she wrote phrases that reminded her of good times with that girl. Then, she wrapped the present in a theme. Like my daughter's was all pink, and then the wrapping had shoes, purses, fashion stuff on it. Another girl's was wrapped in music, and another in a bandana. Such creativity in this group.

I was struck with the ease and the confidence with which they offered these gifts of the heart. They didn't apologize, they didn't seem scared the gifts wouldn't be appreciated. The confidence of knowing their gifts would be loved by these girls was mind blowing.....I mean they are 15!!! The moms talked after the girls went down to the basement to watch a movie (in the "estrogen cave" a name they gave their newly remodeled theater room). We all felt the same....how lucky we were to be witness to that night. A couple of us have older children and we realize that our days are numbered. Maybe....who knows with this group. It will be interesting to see. All I know is that I am truly grateful my daughter has those girls in her life. What a blessing they are to her. I pray she will always have girlfriends like that near her.

Making Friends

2010-01-06T06:52:00.000-08:00

Last night I was transported back in time about 18 years. This was the time in our lives when Jack was studying for his Ph.D. at Baylor University and I was teaching full-time and praying for a baby. We had just moved to Waco and were making friends. This was the first time we were making friends other than our college friends. We followed many of our friends to the same seminary. Don't get me wrong, we made other friends while in seminary, but we weren't "on our own". So here we are in Waco, and we begin making friends with the Ward's, the Moore's, the Parsley's and the Russo's. I remember my nerves as we made friends together as a couple and the inevitable, "Did you like her?" "Did you like him?" "He was funny." "She was very interesting." "I'm not sure about him....but she is really neat."

Last night we returned to that era. It was the first time we had gone to dinner as a couple and not as the minister and his wife in a long time. The couple we were meeting have only been married 2 years, and have just recently left the world of grad school. So it was quite a trip back in time for us as we recounted those days with them. It was nice.

I wonder how nervous they were having us in their home. For the last year they had known us as the minister and his wife. We were intrigued by them and wanted to get to know them better, but we have a rule not to become friends with congregants, so we never followed up. When we left the church, they emailed and asked us if we would like to have dinner. Thus last night's dinner.

I don't know how nervous they were, but I know how nervous I was. I hadn't put myself out there like that in a long time. I have always had the minister's wife facade to hide behind, to protect my heart. Last night I laid it all out there. It was me, KaKi, they were seeing, and judging whether they wanted to befriend or not. It was scary, but they made it so easy. My nerves quickly calmed down as the conversation flowed. As we left, Jack and I agreed that we liked them. They both are well-educated and quite easy to talk to. They are interesting and have great stories. So then we start talking about how long do we wait to ask them out again? Don't want to seem too needy......too pesky.......then we burst into laughter. We sounded like teenagers asking someone out on a date! But it was fun, being Jack and KaKi in a social setting, making plans together to have fun with others.

This year holds lots of unknowns for us, but it also holds lots of promise and possibilities.....and hopefully new friends.

Frogging

2010-01-05T05:44:00.000-08:00

I taught myself to knit almost 6 years ago now. I began with scarves, shawls, and then moved to hats, mittens and eventually to socks. I love knitting socks. They are small projects that you can tote around easily and they are functional. Everyone I have given a pair to has just loved them. There is something about a hand-knitted pair of socks. I hope they feel the love I put into them, I hope that is the secret ingredient.

I did try a sweater 3 or 4 years ago with disastrous results. The sweater came out wide and short. Not a great fit. But it found a home with a short waisted friend who can use it to keep warm at home....not exactly a public wearing sweater. And for all I know she eventually gave it to goodwill, which would be fine with me. I didn't think I would ever knit another sweater. But then this pattern came along, February Lady Sweater, and I knew I had to make it. I printed the pattern and let it sit. It kept coming back up in my mind, so I used a gift-card and bought the yarn. I started it over the holidays. It knits up pretty easy, there are some tricky parts, but overall it is a nice thing to knit while talking, or watching tv.

I have a confession. I am a perfectionist, OCD, anal-type personality, whatever you want to call it. If I am going to do something, I want it to look right. This trait trips me up in life quite a bit. But in knitting and renovating my house, it has served a purpose.

Well, after spending many hours on this new sweater, I got to a point to where I could really look at it. I loved the yoke the increases were nicely done with no holes. The garter stitch looked even and cozy. But the buttonhole placement was all wrong. I had fussed and calculated and agonized over the buttonholes, but they were still not right. So I did what every knitter has done at some point in her knitting career. I frogged it and started over.

Frogging. My husband asked me what frogging meant and why that term. I really didn't know, so I looked it up. The term frog is used because you have to "rip it" out. Ha ha! I had no idea it had a funny connotation. I like that. Because frogging is painful, it hurts any knitter's being to have to undo hours of work.

In life we often have to frog and start over. Relationships, careers, etc. Sometimes we use the same yarn and pattern and just try again. Sometimes we use the same yarn and find a new pattern. Sometimes we have to abandon the yarn altogether because it is just too painful.

Well, this sweater is getting a second chance today. I will try once more to make it work. I have found in life that anything worthwhile, takes work and second chances.

Teacher

2010-01-04T04:02:00.000-08:00

This morning many students and teachers are getting up and returning to school for one more semester. I am no longer in those ranks. I no longer get up and go to work, or write lesson plans, or grade papers. I was an elementary school teacher for almost 20 years.

From the very beginning, I was sick more than the usual teacher. I took all the precautions I could, but when you work with kids, there are germs. I learned when to go on to school and tough it out and when it was quicker to stay home and let my body heal. My illnesses never got in the way of my teaching. I loved my job. I loved creating new ways to teach old ideas. It was exhilarating to see the light go on in the eye of the child who finally "got it". Or to watch the child who entered your classroom as an unruly, unable to read first grader, leave your room a well-mannered, and well-read third grader. (I taught multi-age classes) The feeling of the classroom as it settles into the day's work. The emotion as you read aloud a story and it comes to the climax. I miss these things.

Coming to the realization that my 150% was no longer even a typical person's 100% was a tough process. When we moved to NC, I began teaching part-time. My illnesses were no longer strep throats, sinus infections or the flu. I had been diagnosed with Crohn's Disease and I was spending several weeks a year in the hospital. So we decided that maybe part-time, would be better for my body. But my body began to hurt in other ways and I was diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondilytis, a debilitating arthritis. This was too much for me. I needed so much rest to be able to work just 4 hours a day and be mom to 2 small kids.

I remember some of the young teachers who didn't have kids yet, making comments about how nice it must be to leave at lunch. I wanted to tell them I would trade bodies with them in a heartbeat. They had no idea. They had no idea, that I went straight home and went to bed. Got up in time to pick up my kids from the bus stop, did the "mom" thing, made dinner, and put them to bed. I then climbed back into bed so I could get up and teach 4 hours the next day. I doubt this is what those young teachers had in mind when they made those comments. Of course, they were seeing what I couldn't yet. I was slipping. I was still giving everything I had, but it was no longer cutting it.

To go from being a teacher that mentored others, had college students in your classroom, had visiting teachers,and excellent reviews to one that could no longer perform, was devastating. It was a crushing blow to my ego. It has taken several years to get to the place where I am now. To see that I am not a failure, my body simply could not keep up. I had to make a choice. Go on being a mediocre teacher, and not being really present with my own kids, or do what was best for the students and my own family. So I quit. I retired.

For the first time I can write these words and not cry. I am no longer ashamed that I cannot work. I worked hard for many years past when most would have quit. But my body is my body. It can't help itself. So my life has changed. I am no longer an elementary teacher. I am now a stay-at-home mom. And you know, I love it. I am glad I have been here for my kids. Even now that they are in high school, I get glimpses of how my being at home helps them. I can carpool. I can have kids over to my house. I can enjoy them and my own kids more.

I have had to let go of my ego defining career. But in so doing, I have found me. I am no longer defined by what I do. I am defined by who I am.

What are you letting define you today? Is it something that could be gone in an instant? Who are you? As you go about your work today, I hope these thoughts will challenge you.

Packing boxes

2010-01-03T05:59:00.000-08:00

I am sitting amid the inevitable. The empty boxes are staring at me in anticipation of being filled and the decorations are staring at me in disappointment that it is time to go. Oh the agony of being the one in the middle. I so enjoy the decorated house, the decorated tree, the lights. So much festivity emanates from these rooms. I love living in the exciting times. The purposeful times where the expectations are known. The traditions are set, everyone knows what to do. I like that. It feels ordered.

But the majority of life is not lived that way. It is lived in the "in between" moments, in the stripped down moments.

My husband announced in September that he no longer wanted to be a minister. That he wanted to "step down". This announcement really came as no surprise to me. I knew he was unhappy and I knew he wanted to do more. He struggled for a couple of years trying to discern what part of the job was causing the unrest, thinking a new job would cure it. But I knew in my heart that the answer was not in a new church, a new place, but a new career. He became ultimately clear about that in the fall, and left right before Thanksgiving.

Up to that time his life must have somewhat felt like Christmas all the time. Responsibilities, known expectations, and unknown, traditions to keep, places to go, people excited/upset, order of a sort. Then he sat amid the boxes. What next? You see, my brave husband resigned with no plan. Some say this is insane. Many in the church couldn't understand how he could leave with no idea of the future. This is not like my husband, he is our sole breadwinner, and he takes that job very seriously. But you see, it was the right thing to do. The church was at a crossroads, and he saw that. He saw that he couldn't really take a year to figure out what he was going to do while they suffered huge staff cuts. So he did the right thing and left now. Of course, this is like my husband. He acts. Once he has figured something out in his mind, he goes for it. There is no second guessing. There are no regrets. I admire that about him.

But back to the boxes. So he packs up his "old life", and along the way catches glimpses of what the "new life" could look like. Then Christmas came and our life was decorated and busy. It was easy to not think about the future as we went about the many plans and activities of the season. It was exhilarating to have him present for so many things that he had not been available for in the past. We planned the holidays together, and we executed them together. It was exciting. But now it is time to pack up the boxes. Now it is time to go back to the "real world".

The questions now start to sound louder. "When will you know if this will work out?" "When will you actually start bringing in money?" "What will we do if this doesn't work out?" Our money running out deadline seems so much closer now than it did back in November. "Will we be okay?"

Instead of panic running underneath these questions, there is still peace. I feel confident that he will find something. I feel confident we will make it. I know this why? Because one of the advantages of being an adult is the lifetime of experiences to look back over. We have made it through many events that others would not and have not made it through. God has been there with us in the dark days. God has been there with us in the light days. And God will be with us in the future. Plus, we have each other.

So, as I pack the boxes here in a bit, these are the thoughts going through my mind. What faces you when you finish packing up the holiday boxes? What "real life" events are coming your way? How will you face them?

I pray it is with the confidence that you are not alone. May it be so.

Traditions or Memories

2010-01-02T07:52:00.000-08:00

I start most mornings with a cup of coffee. When I reach into the cabinet to get a mug, I look to see if THE mug is clean and available. What is this mug? It is not fancy, it is not from some cool place that reminds me of a fancy vacation, it doesn't match any other mug. So what makes it THE mug? It was my Grandmother Eads' mug. Well, I made the mug for her. It is a plain white mug on which I used a paint pen and wrote "Grandmother". You remember that time in our lives when we used paint pens to write on mugs, plastic boxes and we used the dots on each letter? Well, now you get the picture. Although, through the years of use and washings, the words are washed off and the mug is back to being just plain white. But, my grandmother loved the mug and used it quite often. So, each morning begins with thoughts of my grandmother. Just like that I am transported back in time to her little kitchen. The smell of coffee and biscuits fills my nostrils and the sound of the wind through the screen door fills my ears. And for that second, she is here. My grandmother is the one to blame for my coffee addiction. She started me young....3 years old. Of course back then it was more cream and sugar than coffee. But my grandmother was a huge influence in my life. She gardened, crocheted, cooked, and loved her God and family. I named my daughter after her, that is how important she is to me. Unfortunately my children never got to know her, although my son met her when he was 3 months old. But there are no memories of her for them. Yet, they each feel they know her. Why? Because Grandmother Allie as she is now known in my home is kept alive with memories. I share memories constantly with my children. They roll their eyes when I mention THE mug. They cringe as I knit with embarrassment. But they know that this hobby takes me back to sitting next to my grandmother as she patiently taught me to crochet. I have kept her spirit alive in my life through returning to some of her favorite past-times. I taught myself to knit several years ago in an attempt to keep her memory alive. I try to garden, although I am AWFUL at it. I have purple irises in my yard because they were her favorite flower. And on it goes.

For the last 4 days, I have been keeping alive another memory. The memory of my other grandmother, Grandmother Riley. I am teaching my daughter how to sew. She is having a "homemade" Christmas with her best church friends. So, she decided to make them all pajama pants. She had "helped" her adult friend, M, sew pj's for me several years ago. She thought this would be a great and easy idea. Of course, as she is finding out, M actually did most of the work back then. But I am proud of her, she is working hard at this new skill. We are still in the cutting out phase. She must do all of this herself as my thumbs can no longer cut with scissors. It is back breaking work, as we are doing it on our dining room table and dd is now over 5'9" tall. As I sit at the table and pin the pattern to the fabric, I am transported to my grandmother's bedroom/sewing room. My grandmother was a professional seamstress. She made wardrobes for the most prestigious women in Amarillo, TX, back in the 50's, 60's, and 70's. She made everything from winter coats, to ballgowns encrusted with sequins, to pantsuits, to nightgowns. She was truly amazing. I never had store-bought clothes until I was 9 years old and we had moved to another state. I have negative memories of standing while grandmother pinned clothes on me. "Be still" "Stop wriggling" "Stand tall" "Stop slouching" My grandmother wasn't very patient with me. I was a "pistol" back then. This is one of many adjectives they used to describe me. I was also very strong-willed butting heads with a very strong woman! This resulted in many knock-down drag outs where she usually won, being that she was the adult. But as I sit with my daughter and tell her the stories, I am bringing her spirit to life. Although there are more negative feelings in these stories than with my other grandmother, there are still many significant lessons I learned from her. And I think of her often.

I wonder as I write this, what memories or traditions will be passed down to revive my spirit? Will a grandchild one day learn how to knit or crochet and think of me every time they pick up the needles? Or will they scrapbook and think of all the scrapbooks I have left them? Or maybe on their way to the library they will think of my love of books? Or watching a movie will remind them of curling up with me to watch a movie? I don't know. I do know that my grandchildren will not have to rely solely on my children's memories of me. They will have this blog. They will have all my scrapbooks. They will have all my writings that Jack saves. So I live my life, which has been influenced by many others before me, in such a way that I hope will influence those to come in a positive fashion. There will be negative feelings, I am human, but hopefully there will be many more positive.

What memories/traditions are you making as you live your life? Whose spirit are you bringing back to life? As I go about my day today, I will ponder these ideas. Will you?

A New Year, A New Decade

2010-01-01T15:35:00.000-08:00

2010 is upon us. This number has many people speculating about the future and what we as baby boomers thought life would be like in the 2000's. I have noticed on facebook several friends talking about what they once believed the year 2010 would look like. Many thought we would be living the life of the Jetson's. (if you don't know who they are....what are you doing on my blog????) Some wondered if we would even still be here. But everyone seems to agree that it is here, and time to go forward.

I have thought a lot about the previous decade. We moved here, my children went from preschoolers, to elementary schoolers, to middle schoolers, to high schoolers. My husband went from a full-time minister to an ...well, unemployed seeker. I went from a full-time teacher to a part-time teacher to a full-time mom. I almost lost both my mom and my dad in this last decade. My mom's mind was forever changed. And I grew up in this decade. I found myself and the ability to live with and even love myself. So the decade was packed with joy and tears.

I look back and realize a lot has changed. As I sat contemplating 2000, I knew that Jack and I were in talks with the church here. I knew that big change was coming. I knew that my health was not going to last much longer for me to continue working. I knew that my children were growing up. I knew that my parents were aging. But I had no concept of exactly how much change was coming.

Now, as I contemplate 2010, I am completely aware of the changes coming. In this decade, my children will become adults. My husband will begin a new career path. My parents' health will continue to deterirate and they may possibly die. And me? I will change too. I will no longer be a full-time mom. I will have more time on my hands. What will I do? How will I change?

If you had hinted at the amount of change coming to me back in 2000, I would have panicked. I would have been sick with worry and discontent. But I am no longer that girl. I now look forward with apprehension, sure, I am human, but with anticipation at what lays ahead. I know I can do this "looking ahead" because of who is by my side. The love of my life is with me and together, we will forge ahead.

So, as you look ahead to 2010, what adventures lay ahead? Are you ready? Are you having feelings of anticipation or apprehension? I pray for you a year/decade of change and growth. May it be so.

Home

2009-12-31T06:44:00.000-08:00

This word is loaded with so many meanings and emotions. Home. It begins as the place where your parents live, the place where you grew up. Home often gets mixed up with house, a concept we figure out as young adults. Then we grow up and get a place of our own or a place with our significant other and this becomes home. It is at this point that some figure out that the home of their childhood was far from being a home and some figure out that it was indeed an oasis, a home and always will be. We get busy living life and possibly adding children to our home and suddenly home has another new dimension for us. We travel to our parents' and still find that safe anchor, that peace, that protection that we are loved no matter what in that space. We hope that we create that feeling for our own children. But life keeps moving on. We lose our parents or they lose their minds, and we lose that physical home. Our children move off to start their own lives and our homes change in appearance, energy and sound.

So what is this word "home" and why is it so important to us? As I have hinted at before, it is our oasis, our shelter, our safe haven, our place to be who we are and still be loved and accepted. As this decade ends and a new one begins, my home will be changing. I will most likely (hopefully) see both of my children strike out on their own and form their own homes. I could lose a parent or both of my parents in this decade, and that home would be forever changed. So does this rock my world, am I scared? No, because I have finally found another home. It is within myself. I am happy. I am content. I am at peace with who I am. I love myself. So no matter what happens in my other homes, I am home with me. But I would be sorely amiss if I didn't mention another huge factor in my contentment. I am at home with my husband. He is my rock, he is my safe haven, he is my place of refuge, as I am his. And together, we can weather the changes ahead.

As you think of this decade to come, where is your safe haven? your home?

The Salty Sheep

2009-12-29T19:44:00.000-08:00

If you ever find yourself on the Crystal Coast in North Carolina, and you are in need/want of some yarn, head over to Swansboro. There on Church street you will find The Salty Sheep tucked in the corner of a little shopping area. This store is small, but exudes charm. I found what I needed in an old iron crib. It was Dream in Color yarn. I had never heard of this yarn but the name intrigued me, but it was the colors that drew me. Such vivid colors I hadn't seen in such soft yarn. This yarn is perfect for the project I have in mind. It was well worth the trip over the bridge and the time away from the beach!

Tomorrow vacation is over. We go back to the land and we were blessed with a wonderful going away present this evening. The most beautiful sunset ever seen. Thanks be.

What's up with the title?

2009-12-28T07:31:00.000-08:00

So, the title? Where did it come from? Well, I am taking it from the name of the house in which I sit at this very moment. Our friends had a nice little beach house on Emerald Isle. They tore it down (it really was getting old) and built this masterpiece. They named it "Just Because". I don't know the story behind the name for them, but is resonated with me. This house is luxurious. It has three floors, two master bedrooms, three other bedrooms, a heated pool, and top-notch everything. You feel like a princess as you walk through the home. They didn't have to build this, but they did, just because. Because they could. Isn't that reason enough for some things. I read their guest book and they have already in the first six months of being open, brought so much joy to others' lives. People write beautiful words of thanks in the book, the happiness of their experience jumps off the page. And so my friends, by building this house- just because, have brought more joy and hope into this world. Okay, I know a bit much, but how often do we choose to do something just because we can, that will bring others joy?

The name I chose, seems apropos. I am writing just because I can and hopefully will bring some joy into this world in the process. I know it will bring joy into my life, just as this house has brought joy into my friends' lives. Plus, the beach is my happy place. I love coming here and hearing the ocean and seeing the seagulls and pelicans. So each time I log into this blog, I will be returning in my mind to a happy place and what a place to write from.

What can you do today, just because, that will bring joy into this world?