Recently, Jack made a comment that has stuck in my head. He said, "Isn't that what parenting is? A series of letting go and loss?" The comment had the effect of stopping me in my tracks. Suddenly I felt my mind expand as the concept grew. First, we let go by bringing them into this world. No longer is it just you and the baby, but the whole world gets to be part of your baby's life. Next they start crawling and walking and no longer stay snuggled in your arms. When school starts, they begin to have friends and experience things during their day that you are not part of. Sure, we are kept informed in the early years, but in reality, they are experiencing things without us. This is the first huge step in separating from us.
Each year in school they continue to grow closer to friends, and less close to us. I think our voices slowly start to fade in their ears as their friends' get louder. Finally comes that day when they drive off in the car, and it hits you smack in the face...the illusion of being in control is no longer in your grasp.
Don't get me wrong. We celebrate each of these steps toward independence, afterall, that is a parent's job. It is amazing to watch this little bundle grow and become a person. As frustrating as it is when their opposition is aimed at you, there is also pride. Pride that you raised a child that is not afraid to voice their opinion.
Then comes the day when you drop them off at the dorm or airport and they fly off. They are now entering a world that will only be available to you when they decide to let you in. No longer is anyone calling you with reports, no longer do you know all their friends, and their doings. All you know is what you glean from facebook, if they friend you, and from what they say when they call or text. It is startling the first time your child's girl/boyfriend says, "Oh, (your child) LOVES okra!" WHAT???? You could never get okra past that child's lips for 19 years!! And now, this person knows your child better than you.
This is just the beginning you realize as you look at your own life. How involved is your mom in your day to day life? How many of your friends does your dad know? If they don't live near you, they know only what they glean from your facebook, if they are on and you friended them, or from your infrequent phone calls.
Like everything in life, there are two sides. Yes, losing my children is hard. Not being the main person in their lives anymore is tough. Not knowing who they are becoming except in glimpses from facebook and phone calls, is depressing. The other side though is glorious. You get to see that kind man that shone out of your son's eyes at 5 years of age. You get to see the brave woman that emanated from your 6 year old daughter's being. You get to give up the role of disciplinarian and become a friend/confidant/encourager/sounding board.
You also get your life back. After spending 20 years sacrificing your own needs for those of your children, you finally get to be selfish once more. You get to take care of yourself. You get to find who you are 20 years older. Hopefully, if your parents are still alive and well, you get to show your appreciation for all they did for you.
Yes, parenting is a long serious of letting go and loss. But the journey is so full of surprises, adventures, and love that I would do it all over again. Plus, I hear grandbabies are the great reward at the end!!!
Friday, April 12, 2013
Friday, March 22, 2013
Depression
I hope that anyone who knows me will say that I am pretty honest about my life. I don't usually hide the bad that is going on in my life. I am transparent. People who only knew me through church, might not feel this way. I tended to put up a wall there because of past betrayals. But I try with all my friends to be honest. I have never been the mom that only told the good of my children. I was quite open about the hard times too. It is a difficult topic. You don't want people to think ill of your children or you as a parent, yet you long to connect with someone else who has the same pain. Today, that is not what I want to talk about though. There is one area of my life that I have not always been as open about.
Depression.
Depression settles around me often. I have good reasons for it. I am chronically ill, often in pain, and there is no cure in sight. I have dealt with that depression for years. In the last couple of years, new factors have presented themselves: children leaving home, parents aging, and finding myself in a new role of motherhood.
My son leaving home left a huge gap in my life. His baseball gave a certain order to our lives. He played year round so we only had November, December and part of January "off". When he left, I struggled to order my life. Luckily, my daughter was still at home and needed me to drive her carpool to and from school. She was member of a choir that needed parent help, so that gave me something to do. But this year, my daughter drives, is no longer a member of the choir, and is quite independent. My son left to study abroad. My mom almost died. My job changed. My daughter learned she will be going abroad next year.
Now, there are days I don't want to shower or get out of bed. There are days I get several "things to do" marked off my list. There are many days, that I shower, go into the den, sit in my chair, and knit and watch TV. I survive. My creativity seems to have dried up. The bubbling passions have waned. I just get through my days.
The sun helps, it seems to penetrate the gloom somewhat. But it doesn't seem to quite make it to my soul. Exercise helps, walking Sunshine gives me a boost, but it doesn't seem to last quite long enough. I take medications and that helps too. I have friends to talk to, but there are days there just isn't enough energy to make that call. The most help comes from my husband who gets it and doesn't judge. If I don't seem to get the laundry done and he needs clothes, he just puts a load in. If the dishes haven't been done for two days, he just loads the dishwasher. Most importantly for me, though, has been the connection we have every night as he reads aloud to me. We began this long, long ago, but were very sporadic about it. Since he has changed careers, we have started back and have read several books together. I look forward to that everyday.
What I dislike most about depression is how insecure it makes me feel. I have feelings of being a loser, a nothing, or insignificant. I feel like I am always in the wrong. I can do nothing right. I beat myself up. I feel guilty for not "doing" more around the house. I project these feelings on Jack which causes friction. I feel like a bad mom. I feel like a bad friend. I know none of these statements are true...but I feel them. When I am depressed, I don't always have the energy to fight them off. It is much easier to succumb to the feelings of doubt. I dislike how my focus turns inward instead of outward. I don't like being a "woe is me" kind of person.
I know this too, shall pass. I know that I am not alone. So why am I writing this downer? Because maybe you do feel alone. Or maybe your spouse is depressed or your friend and you think they are the only one. Mainly I am writing because writing helps me. It helps me sort out the words and feelings. So this is me. This is what you don't always see behind the smile.
Depression.
Depression settles around me often. I have good reasons for it. I am chronically ill, often in pain, and there is no cure in sight. I have dealt with that depression for years. In the last couple of years, new factors have presented themselves: children leaving home, parents aging, and finding myself in a new role of motherhood.
My son leaving home left a huge gap in my life. His baseball gave a certain order to our lives. He played year round so we only had November, December and part of January "off". When he left, I struggled to order my life. Luckily, my daughter was still at home and needed me to drive her carpool to and from school. She was member of a choir that needed parent help, so that gave me something to do. But this year, my daughter drives, is no longer a member of the choir, and is quite independent. My son left to study abroad. My mom almost died. My job changed. My daughter learned she will be going abroad next year.
Now, there are days I don't want to shower or get out of bed. There are days I get several "things to do" marked off my list. There are many days, that I shower, go into the den, sit in my chair, and knit and watch TV. I survive. My creativity seems to have dried up. The bubbling passions have waned. I just get through my days.
The sun helps, it seems to penetrate the gloom somewhat. But it doesn't seem to quite make it to my soul. Exercise helps, walking Sunshine gives me a boost, but it doesn't seem to last quite long enough. I take medications and that helps too. I have friends to talk to, but there are days there just isn't enough energy to make that call. The most help comes from my husband who gets it and doesn't judge. If I don't seem to get the laundry done and he needs clothes, he just puts a load in. If the dishes haven't been done for two days, he just loads the dishwasher. Most importantly for me, though, has been the connection we have every night as he reads aloud to me. We began this long, long ago, but were very sporadic about it. Since he has changed careers, we have started back and have read several books together. I look forward to that everyday.
What I dislike most about depression is how insecure it makes me feel. I have feelings of being a loser, a nothing, or insignificant. I feel like I am always in the wrong. I can do nothing right. I beat myself up. I feel guilty for not "doing" more around the house. I project these feelings on Jack which causes friction. I feel like a bad mom. I feel like a bad friend. I know none of these statements are true...but I feel them. When I am depressed, I don't always have the energy to fight them off. It is much easier to succumb to the feelings of doubt. I dislike how my focus turns inward instead of outward. I don't like being a "woe is me" kind of person.
I know this too, shall pass. I know that I am not alone. So why am I writing this downer? Because maybe you do feel alone. Or maybe your spouse is depressed or your friend and you think they are the only one. Mainly I am writing because writing helps me. It helps me sort out the words and feelings. So this is me. This is what you don't always see behind the smile.
Friday, March 8, 2013
Cousins
My first week in Texas, my mom was in ICU and everything was hour to hour. You felt on constant alert except when you got home and just dropped into bed. Then up early to start over the next day. That week my cousin, Donna, was here. She was with my mom through the first surgery, and I was supposed to be there for the home recoup time. Donna was exhausted from the first week of caring for my mom. Regardless, she was adamant about staying until Mom got out of ICU. At times it was hard having constant company, but mostly it was comforting to not be alone. She is older than me, so I did not really know her from my childhood. It was interesting sharing the stories of our grandmother and aunts and uncles. We each had such different experiences. When we talk about looking for the positives in any situation, this was it for me. Getting to know her better made that time in ICU so much better.
Donna had a surprise for me. She had made a quilt for me. It was made of 1930's replica fabric and just the right size. It has daisies and she didn't even know that was my favorite flower! I spent a lot of time under that quilt napping, or watching movies as I sat by mom's bed. It was a constant reminder that I was not alone. My family was behind me. They were all a call away. Donna may never realize what that gift meant to me.
Now I am home, and as I write this post, my quilt is on my lap. Here so far from my family is a constant reminder that I am loved and part of a great big loving family.
Thank you, Donna, for sacrificing your time to be with me and mom. You continue to look after her and I want you to know I appreciate that so much!
Donna had a surprise for me. She had made a quilt for me. It was made of 1930's replica fabric and just the right size. It has daisies and she didn't even know that was my favorite flower! I spent a lot of time under that quilt napping, or watching movies as I sat by mom's bed. It was a constant reminder that I was not alone. My family was behind me. They were all a call away. Donna may never realize what that gift meant to me.
Now I am home, and as I write this post, my quilt is on my lap. Here so far from my family is a constant reminder that I am loved and part of a great big loving family.
Thank you, Donna, for sacrificing your time to be with me and mom. You continue to look after her and I want you to know I appreciate that so much!
Sunday, January 20, 2013
A Friend in A Time of Grief
In the last six months, I have opened myself up to the possibility of new friends. I have made several new friends through this meetup book club I started attending last September. What I didn't know at the time, was that opening myself to this possibility would save me later on.
My family in Texas often talk about Shirley. Shirley loves my folks, and does a lot for them. She and her family live here in Temple where my parents live. Her husband, Kenny, and my brother, Kade, are good friends. I have met Shirley a couple of times, but I never felt a connection with her. But this last week, I think because I have opened myself to the possibility of new friends, she has worked her way into my heart. She has sat with us in the waiting room. She brought me a new hoodie with more color than my borrowed one! She cleaned Mom's kitchen and cleaned out the freezer, bought me coffee and stevia, and is open to anything at all. She even likes to shop at Goodwill!!!! More importantly, I have found someone with a similar belief system as myself. When I come home to Texas, I am coming into a totally different culture than what I live in NC. So I usually feel quite alone here. Not anymore. It has been such a relief to find someone who has similar feelings about the things that mean a lot to me. Don't get me wrong, my family is tolerant of me and my liberal beliefs...but just tolerant! I think they mostly think it is funny. So, here I am in the midst of this horrific time with my mom, and I make a friend. A friend I can talk to, a friend I can call, a friend who can just sit with me. What a gift. Thank you, Shirley, for the gift of your friendship. It is the greatest gift I could receive at this time!
My family in Texas often talk about Shirley. Shirley loves my folks, and does a lot for them. She and her family live here in Temple where my parents live. Her husband, Kenny, and my brother, Kade, are good friends. I have met Shirley a couple of times, but I never felt a connection with her. But this last week, I think because I have opened myself to the possibility of new friends, she has worked her way into my heart. She has sat with us in the waiting room. She brought me a new hoodie with more color than my borrowed one! She cleaned Mom's kitchen and cleaned out the freezer, bought me coffee and stevia, and is open to anything at all. She even likes to shop at Goodwill!!!! More importantly, I have found someone with a similar belief system as myself. When I come home to Texas, I am coming into a totally different culture than what I live in NC. So I usually feel quite alone here. Not anymore. It has been such a relief to find someone who has similar feelings about the things that mean a lot to me. Don't get me wrong, my family is tolerant of me and my liberal beliefs...but just tolerant! I think they mostly think it is funny. So, here I am in the midst of this horrific time with my mom, and I make a friend. A friend I can talk to, a friend I can call, a friend who can just sit with me. What a gift. Thank you, Shirley, for the gift of your friendship. It is the greatest gift I could receive at this time!
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Siblings as Grown Ups
Saturday, after getting the call my mom was being rushed back to the hospital after a surgery the week before, I started packing. It was a rush as tickets were changed to an earlier date, packing commenced, and calendars checked for important activities to hand off to Jack. When the call came announcing Mom was being rushed to surgery, the urgency increased tenfold. After getting to the airport and taking a breath, an inner calm settled over me. Worry? Yes. Scared? Yes. But a strength welled up inside me as I prepared to help my mom fight for her life.
Stepping inside that hospital and back into a family I only see periodically, was jolting. The person I speak with the most, text the most, and skype with the most, was laying unconscious in a hospital bed with a breathing tube down her throat. Luckily, I have family members who it feels like I just saw them yesterday. We fall right back into our relationship seamlessly. Others it is more difficult.
But I am stepping into their lives. They know my parents' friends. They have routines when they come here. They have jobs to go to. They have friends to come to the hospital. I am getting to meet these people that my family spend their time with. I am seeing sides of my brothers I have not seen. We are not at home being the silly kids we used to be. We are our grown up selves at the hospital dealing with grown up situations. But we don't really know these grown up people. We are all very different and lead very different lives. Hopefully we will all be open to seeing each other as grown ups and getting to know each other in that role. Because the situation we find ourselves in is not for kids.
Stepping inside that hospital and back into a family I only see periodically, was jolting. The person I speak with the most, text the most, and skype with the most, was laying unconscious in a hospital bed with a breathing tube down her throat. Luckily, I have family members who it feels like I just saw them yesterday. We fall right back into our relationship seamlessly. Others it is more difficult.
But I am stepping into their lives. They know my parents' friends. They have routines when they come here. They have jobs to go to. They have friends to come to the hospital. I am getting to meet these people that my family spend their time with. I am seeing sides of my brothers I have not seen. We are not at home being the silly kids we used to be. We are our grown up selves at the hospital dealing with grown up situations. But we don't really know these grown up people. We are all very different and lead very different lives. Hopefully we will all be open to seeing each other as grown ups and getting to know each other in that role. Because the situation we find ourselves in is not for kids.
Friday, December 14, 2012
Peace, Hope, Love and Joy
The natural tendency when you are sick is to be home. You don't want to be at work. You don't want to be out with friends. You just want to be home in your own bed. Now, think about the chronically ill. Someone who everyday battles feelings from "not up to par" to "god just kill me now". What is their natural instinct? To stay home, be alone, isolate themselves. And honestly that is what I have done for several years now. I have only gone "out" when I needed to. My children's activities forced a certain level of interaction with other people. My husband's job as minister forced me into interaction with others. But then my children grew up and left those activities, and my husband left his job. I woke up one day and realized that my interactions with other people were severely limited. And as much as I loved my husband, I needed girlfriends.
So I hit the computer looking for a book club. I came upon Meetup. I looked through several different groups. Researched the books they had read in the past, and looked through their members and pictures. I wanted to find women who were in similar situations as myself. I hit upon one with an unlikely name, "The Southern Ladies Book Club". The pictures showed women who were goofy and quirky but nice looking. So, I joined. In September I drove to a parking lot to meet 2 new women and drive to Durham to meet 8 more. I was terrified.
This summer my best friend, Allison, and I started crafting together once a week. We enjoy doing many crafty/artsy things and found doing them together was even more fun. As the weeks went by, we began to talk about selling our goods. (She makes amazing handcrafted jewelry and is already out there in that business.) So we did it. For the past two weekends, we have gone to craft fairs and had a booth. Yes, I put out there in the public things that I had created. On top of that I came face to face with strangers. The word stressful doesn't even begin to cover my feelings.
I have a great part time job that I get to do from home on my computer. It is fairly easy and honestly a bit tedious. Jack and I both do it, and that makes it a bit more fun. It is with an educational company so it keeps me feeling somewhat in the loop. Recently Jack was looking for other jobs because our screening was not as profilic as in the past. He came upon a job that sounded right up my alley! It is reviewing video tapes that teachers submit and giving specific feedback to help them improve. So, I applied. Part of the application process was to view a video and give feedback without any training on the specifics they were looking for. This was a nerve-wracking ordeal. I really want this job.
Now I find myself bare and vulnerable. At times I am scared out of my mind, but there is also an excitement. I am starting to develop friends in the book club. I am even going to do something with some of them outside of the club! I have found friends, on my own, who like me! ME! Not the preacher's wife, not Stephen's mom, not Allie's mom, but KAKI!!!
At those craft fairs, people actually bought my creations. They actually thought they were cute. I made money!! The door is now wide open. I started small, but I have BIG ideas. Allison and I are starting a new venture in 2013. It is exciting to see where this leads us.
As for the job, I don't know yet. It is highly likely I won't get it. I know the lady who created this and the program doesn't have time to train people, so they are looking for people who naturally norm like they want. But the possibility is exciting. This means I might find something one day that is a bit closer to the classroom!
The advent season is about joy, hope, love and peace. In stepping outside my comfortable space, I have found joy and love in being accepted. I have found hope that there are more things I can do to contribute to this world as my children need me less. Peace settles around me as I decide to not settle for a limited life, but to go after much, much more.
Where are you today? Are you allowing your fear to hold you back? Or are you out there making the most of this precious life you have?
So I hit the computer looking for a book club. I came upon Meetup. I looked through several different groups. Researched the books they had read in the past, and looked through their members and pictures. I wanted to find women who were in similar situations as myself. I hit upon one with an unlikely name, "The Southern Ladies Book Club". The pictures showed women who were goofy and quirky but nice looking. So, I joined. In September I drove to a parking lot to meet 2 new women and drive to Durham to meet 8 more. I was terrified.
This summer my best friend, Allison, and I started crafting together once a week. We enjoy doing many crafty/artsy things and found doing them together was even more fun. As the weeks went by, we began to talk about selling our goods. (She makes amazing handcrafted jewelry and is already out there in that business.) So we did it. For the past two weekends, we have gone to craft fairs and had a booth. Yes, I put out there in the public things that I had created. On top of that I came face to face with strangers. The word stressful doesn't even begin to cover my feelings.
I have a great part time job that I get to do from home on my computer. It is fairly easy and honestly a bit tedious. Jack and I both do it, and that makes it a bit more fun. It is with an educational company so it keeps me feeling somewhat in the loop. Recently Jack was looking for other jobs because our screening was not as profilic as in the past. He came upon a job that sounded right up my alley! It is reviewing video tapes that teachers submit and giving specific feedback to help them improve. So, I applied. Part of the application process was to view a video and give feedback without any training on the specifics they were looking for. This was a nerve-wracking ordeal. I really want this job.
Now I find myself bare and vulnerable. At times I am scared out of my mind, but there is also an excitement. I am starting to develop friends in the book club. I am even going to do something with some of them outside of the club! I have found friends, on my own, who like me! ME! Not the preacher's wife, not Stephen's mom, not Allie's mom, but KAKI!!!
At those craft fairs, people actually bought my creations. They actually thought they were cute. I made money!! The door is now wide open. I started small, but I have BIG ideas. Allison and I are starting a new venture in 2013. It is exciting to see where this leads us.
As for the job, I don't know yet. It is highly likely I won't get it. I know the lady who created this and the program doesn't have time to train people, so they are looking for people who naturally norm like they want. But the possibility is exciting. This means I might find something one day that is a bit closer to the classroom!
The advent season is about joy, hope, love and peace. In stepping outside my comfortable space, I have found joy and love in being accepted. I have found hope that there are more things I can do to contribute to this world as my children need me less. Peace settles around me as I decide to not settle for a limited life, but to go after much, much more.
Where are you today? Are you allowing your fear to hold you back? Or are you out there making the most of this precious life you have?
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Menu Plan Monday on Tuesday
Uh oh! Monday kind of slipped by me! Sorry! I know many of you are off having family dinners and may not need a plan, but I am not. Since we have moved east, we are always home for the holidays. It has taken some getting used to for me. I was used to lots of family and a lot of hub bub around the holidays. But over the years, I have come to really cherish our quiet time with just the four of us or maybe my mil or my parents. It is calm and peaceful. Well, especially now that the kids are older it is calm and peaceful! So I started preparing the entire Thanksgiving feast on my own fifteen years ago. My mom is always near the phone on Wed. through Thursday morning, just in case! And it never fails, that I have to call for just one thing. Maybe it is more to feel her there with me in the kitchen, for that is where I feel the loneliest. Our kitchen was always filled with people and lots of bustling. I am not saying it was all good bustling, but it was NOT lonely!
This year has a bit more "special-ness" to it. This time next year, our table may be missing one person. Allie is applying to a gap year with Global Initiative. If accepted, she will be gone a whole year. It just struck me recently that means no Thanksgiving, no Christmas, no Birthday!!!! So I plan on enjoying the peace and calm and soaking it all in.
Monday - Cheeseburger Cupcakes
Tuesday - Chicken Tortilla Soup
Wednesday - Going out with Jack's mom and his brother
Thursday - Turkey
Dressing
Sweet Potato Casserole
Potato Casserole
Green Bean Casserole
Sister Schubert's Rolls
Pumpkin Pie
Chocolate Pie
Friday - Leftovers!
Saturday - Crispy Southwest Chicken Wraps
You will notice I went pretty easy with the calories on Monday and Tuesday. I figure we will eat too many calories on Thursday, and I am hoping off set that with lower calorie meals the rest of the week!
This week I heard from Jill Lawson again! Her family loved the chicken tortilla soup! I also heard from Lea Slaton who tried the Chicken Bake. She was skeptical at first like I was, but said it was delicious! So, what are you trying this week? Or better yet, what is on your menu?
This year has a bit more "special-ness" to it. This time next year, our table may be missing one person. Allie is applying to a gap year with Global Initiative. If accepted, she will be gone a whole year. It just struck me recently that means no Thanksgiving, no Christmas, no Birthday!!!! So I plan on enjoying the peace and calm and soaking it all in.
Monday - Cheeseburger Cupcakes
Tuesday - Chicken Tortilla Soup
Wednesday - Going out with Jack's mom and his brother
Thursday - Turkey
Dressing
Sweet Potato Casserole
Potato Casserole
Green Bean Casserole
Sister Schubert's Rolls
Pumpkin Pie
Chocolate Pie
Friday - Leftovers!
Saturday - Crispy Southwest Chicken Wraps
You will notice I went pretty easy with the calories on Monday and Tuesday. I figure we will eat too many calories on Thursday, and I am hoping off set that with lower calorie meals the rest of the week!
This week I heard from Jill Lawson again! Her family loved the chicken tortilla soup! I also heard from Lea Slaton who tried the Chicken Bake. She was skeptical at first like I was, but said it was delicious! So, what are you trying this week? Or better yet, what is on your menu?
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